I don't care what the Occupational Health and Safety Committee says, I look damn fine in this speedo.

No, I have a crippling fear of the supernatural. THAT'S why I don't want to see any more of your shitty card tricks.

The difference between my Camero and your mother is that one is totally bitchin' and the other is constantly bitchin'.

It's probably a bad sign if your bride chooses to come down the aisle to the Benny Hill theme instead of the Wedding March.

I'm never burning my hands again. I've learned my lesson. From now on, no glove, no ove.

I was fed up when I left the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

Fuck you, I'm Irish.

I hate pulling open the drawers of my filing cabinet and finding files instead of booze.

"One Life to Live" would be way more tolerable if they renamed it "18 Lives to Live" and replaced the lead characters with two cats.

He drove all night to see her. The saxophone crescendos as they embrace. Suddenly, a xylophone. Oh boy, here comes a monkey!