If I could fart colourful balloons at parties instead of invisible, nauseating gas, then I bet I could make some serious coin.

Kate Gosselin's got a new TV show. Can't we just skip to the part in her career where she releases a sex tape and get it over with?

Today I'm "keeping it real". Except for the 45 minutes after lunch when I'm dressing like a surgeon and giving free breast exams.

I use "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" solely due to Fabio's early '90s endorsement and not at all because of my continued disbelief.

Thought I would broadcast my barbecuing, since I'm not doing much else. ping.fm/VlL1f

The lead singer of Boney M is secretly hoping for another cold war, so he can once again use his famous catch phrase "Oh, those Russians".

I bet they sometimes ask Ricardo Montalbán and Hervé Villechaize to put on white suits and stand outside Heaven just to mess with people.

I walked in shouting "Where all the bitches at?" and was welcomed with smiles and high-fives. I think I'm going to like this "Kennel Club".

I love it when my foot falls asleep, because then I can finally steal all the money I have in my shoe.

#newandveryinterestingwaystoseverelyannoypeoplewithextralengthyhashtagsinordertotakeuptheentireallotmentofcharactersallowableforatwitterpost