I guess -45 could be considered cold, but only if you ascribe to traditional definitions of warmth and comfort.

I wouldn't swear to it, but it looks like this hobo is only spending a portion of his money on that robot costume.

If this lump on my eyelid gets any larger I'm afraid it's going to pull a "How to Get Ahead in Advertising" on me.

In retrospect, I never should have started anything with an Irishman named "O'Fighty".

I won't relate the details, but it appears last night's statement of "You can't have too much eggnog" was a gross, smelly, flatulent error.

Covered in drool and cookie crumbs and watching Matlock reruns, trying to get an extra $20 out of grandma since we have so much in common.

Having my dog poop all over my basement while I was getting drunk at the neighbours has finally shown me the true meaning of Christmas.

I sure wish Twitteriffic made fart noises instead of bird sounds so the cute girl in the next stall would stop getting so suspicious of me.

You don't instill me with confidence, Mr. Fast-Talking Banker. Shouldn't you be serving me at a Bennigan's?

Man, if I were a centaur I'd spend all day shitting everywhere and shooting guys with a crossbow. So pretty much nothing would change.