I don't really "wrap" presents. I just kind of smother them with paper and tape until they stop resisting

Talk about other people & you're gossiping. Talk about yourself & you're boring.

I'm not stealing my neighbor's WiFi, their WiFi is trespassing into my house

If I didn't have to pee, I'd probably never get out of bed

Gold, frankincense and myrrh are Christmas gifts from men who clearly have no idea how to shop for a young boy

Somebody told me to "put my money where my mouth is". That sounds like a great way to catch a virus

Dear facewash commercials, People don't actually splash their face like that. Sincerely, my bathroom floor is now soaking wet

how many inmates have tried to use Morgan Freeman's Shawshank speech in front of a parole board

¡ʇɥbıɹןɐ buıʞɹoʍ sı buıɥʇnɹǝʌǝ 'ʎɹɹoʍ ʇ,uop ˙ɹooןɟ ǝɥʇ uo doʇdɐן ʎɯ pǝddoɹp ı

10 Century-old prophesies that came true bbc.in/wfmkXv