They say you are what you eat. So I'm going to start eating skinny people

Old people at weddings always poke me n say "You're Next". So I started doing the same to them at funerals...

Why do people use the phrase "work like a dog" ? I wish I worked like my dog so i could sleep 18 hours a day

I'd bet that the first caveman that decided to become a vegetarian died from malnourishment & was eaten by other cavemen

My therapist thinks I have a God complex. Thou dareth speaketh thus unto me?!

I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look

There should be a "sleep in the car" option if you land on someone's hotel in Monopoly

I'm sorry, Siri, but if I wanted my phone to talk to me I would answer my calls

Dear College Kids, I've been doing all your papers since freshmen year... please give me some money. Love, Wikipedia

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result but I still get up every morning