Trying to lose weight during the holidays is like trying to stay dry while swimming.

Seeing a relationship status and thinking "I'll give it a week."

I hate it when I say hi to people but they didn't hear you so you feel retarded.

I wish instead of a "poke" option there was a "punch in the face" option on facebook..

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.

"Can I ask you something?" "You're already asking.

That annoying feeling when you're dying to talk someone but you refuse to text them first.

That awkward moment when you trip over nothing in public and look around to see if anyone saw you then keep walking like nothing happened.

Dentist: "How are you?" You: "ARGHAGH ARAFUGHA RAAH." Dentist: "Oh, good.”"

Sorry Facebook....Twitter and I have a better relationship.