The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight. I'm just updating my status whilst I'm waiting for the kettle to boil #joke

oh bugger, why is there water still coming out of the ceiling 4 hours after the kids showered. Not today... please...

Kay Burley backed into a corner and fails to apologies. LMAO bit.ly/ncosTm #kayburley

Where is the sun ??? 17deg but feels freezing out there...

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction. #joke

"The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death" #joke

RT ChrisPirillo: Google+ sucks. Do you want to know why? bit.ly/o5boUS #g+ #google

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And when people try to cheer you up with half-assed clichés, kick em' in the nuts.

I'd like to thank the miserable s**t that roofied my son last night, stole his money, his phone and bundled him into a ditch and left him

RT London_Law_Firm: We are co-ordinating "News of the World Employee Interest Group". Please get in touch. Please RT! #NoTW