Listening to most five-year-olds is like listening to an audible MadLib.

Oh boy, math! That's when I'm an accountant!

When your trainer gives you the nickname "Glass Joe", your boxing career is pretty much over.

"'Then here,' said I, with a sudden cry, 'is my aud-i-tor-i-um!'" (Exerpt from "The Oration of Sam McGee")

Feels like the cashews and pistachios are having a war in my belly. I'm sending in some filberts, the peacekeepers of the nut family.

I dreamt that the "Many Worlds" theory of quantum physics was correct and woke up screaming, because we have enough Gary Buseys already.

You know what would be funny? A squid wearing a kilt.

If we're ever going to fully actualize the Star Wars universe, I'm going to have to insist on more parents naming their kids Palpatine.

click prick; bang wang; bong dong; clink dink. Onomatopoenis.

If there is a creature of pure silliness anywhere in the universe, I bet it comes in dog form.