Naming the film "You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown" saved me 30 minutes. Thanks, Charles Shultz!

I placed a $6 call on Garmin yesterday. This morning I received a registered letter informing me I'm the new CEO.

I love election night: I can start drinking early and can decide later whether I'm celebrating or drowning my sorrows.

O, that this too too solid flesh would melt... Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! #Monday

That was not the type of scat I expected to find at this jazz club.

I don't need a new ebook reader, I need a device to help me lie about all the books I've told people I've read.

I didn't kiss you in the shadow of the giant electronic faces in Millennium Park, while they grinned and doused us with water. #regrets

This is so much better than a $6 pie has a right to taste.

"Tranny Tuesday" #BadStripClubPromotions

"Five Beautiful Women! Four Beautiful Teeth!" #BadStripClubPromotions