I hate it when people are at your house and ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we shit in the yard.

I hate when old people poke me at weddings, point & whisper, "you're next", So I've started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I tried sending you something sexy in the mail, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.

I'm not saying that I hate you. I'm just saying if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.

A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wi-fi

1:00pm Hears noise "Hmm I wonder what that was..." 1:00am Hears noise "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE MURDERED!"

Those late night text messages when you just confess everything.

uan has 40 chocolate bars. He eats 35. What does Juan have now? Diabetes. Juan has diabetes.

On Facebook searching up people with the last name Hontas. I think it would be cool to poke a Hontas

Normal Person Flirting: "Hey, babe, what's going on?" Me Flirting: "Your face. I like that."