Sometime, just to simply existing is a painful thing to do

While it is easy to cry over something that never be, it is brave to accept things, understand, learn and moving on in life. That is the hopeful masterpiece that I always longing for.

Ya Allah, semoga Ibu bisa lekas sembuh, dan masih bisa melihat Ramadhan di tahun-tahun berikutnya. Amin :')

Log from 2024, smartphone camera has better sensor than high end camera from 2014. Panasonic LX-5 with Leica lens is now getting eaten by Redmi Note 9 Pro main camera from 2019. Modern mid-range phone from 2023 like Xiaomi Mi 13T with its Leica lens definitely kill LX-5 day and night. While high-end Xiaomi Mi 12 Ultra with its 1 inch sensor kill Sony RX100

Time goes on, and I mostly using my phone camera nowadays. I just realized how nice most main camera in the smartphone nowadays for landscape or wide-street photography style shoot.
I guess in the end, the best camera is the one that you have with you.

Even ultra-cheap M42 Takumar 50mm f1.4 produces much better picture than my 50mm f0.95. As for portrait, I ends up using 135mm f2.8 lens, which actually give a proper compression to the subject.

2017 arrived, and I have both camera and lens of 50mm f0.95. It was nice for some moments, but in the end, f0.95 is too wild too shoot. I stopped it down to f1.4 most of the time, and in parallel, my Pentax SMC A 50mm f1.2 is sharp enough and produce much better micro-contrast portrait.

Back in 2014, when I started doing photography, I remember that I really want to have a full-frame sensor camera with hyperbokeh lens with f0.95

Basking in the sun, I feel I see the different side of this city. The long winter has dullen my senses. I feel for the first time again someting warm. Something that has been lost for quite a while

It is 2024, I only have one semester left of funding for my study. Yet, I haven't managed to publish anything significant in the past 2.5 years.

I feel I am such a failure as a PhD student. I don't even know where my future be. Will I ever find a livelihood, will I find another person to share my feelings with?

All I know, I am now alone and lonely.