There's been a chocolate Easter bunny genocide at my house. Somebody call The Hague.

Mother-in-law, referring to a particularly egregious hairdo she saw today: "That is the worst blowjob I've ever seen a man give himself."

Her Karma sunk to the lowest of depths.

a bit bored by Plurk. But you guys are great!

For Lent, I'm giving up all restraint.

Yoko Ono is 76 today. To celebrate, she is going to break up the Jonas Brothers.

President's Day? Just a stab in the dark here, but I'm guessing Barack will be getting laid tonight.

Just returned from an actual, physical manifestation of the world where status updates seem weird and ridiculous. Thank god that's over

here were nine empty wine bottles outside my neighbor's door this morning. I know a challenge when I see one.

Jenna Jameson says she's having twins at an LA hospital in April, but I imagine she'll be at RiteAid one day & they'll just kinda fall out.