My youngest uncle died suddenly without warning two weeks before my birthday. It wasn't covid.

(And to all those who don't know, I've had three different close family members die within a week of my birthday. It may not seem like a huge thing to some people, but really. Just try to empathize and imagine how it would feel to internally associate your birthday with death)

Fun side note: My father couldn't even go to the funeral for his younger brother because he is in the UK which has locked down any international travel.

Another great uncle died shortly after him

My brother had a severe allergic reaction to Moderna. Couldn't swallow. had an awful rash. Couldn't sleep for three days straight because it aggravated an underlying syndrome he has.

Because he had that allergic reaction to the first shot, it has been advised that he should not get the second shot and he shouldn't even try pfizer. And the state he lives in hasn't allowed J&J to be distributed.

My step father entered heart failure. He is, at least, now recovering and reacting well to the medication that the doctors prescribed to him.

And Lastly

Please do not read on if you are triggered by animal/pet death or are not in the place to read about it

I understand completely. I don't want anyone to feel a quarter of the way I am feeling

Horatio was hit and killed by a car. I didn't see it happen. I just know he didn't come back that night, even after I went out to look for him. I have to assume that it happened shortly after I let him out.

I was only able to find out because I posted on next door the next day and someone gave the info that there was a dead cat on the side of the road that matched his description.

I found his body. I was alone. I had to pick up his body and bring it back to my house. One of my neighbors came home at that point and helped me take him to the shelter to check his chip to make sure.

I'm sure it's obvious now that it was a match to him.

I took his body and held it in my apartment for a few hours until my other neighbor who is a vet tech came home and was able to take him to get his paw's pressed into some clay and creamate his body.

If all that seemed typed fast its because I typed all of the previous info up first because I Knew I was gonna just break out into tears and cry and not be sure how to put the words together

especially about horatio

It's been about two months since that happened.

The moderna thing and heart failure thing happened right around the middle of april, lmao one right after the other

I mean and on top of all this I'm still unemployed so you know

Good S H I T

I have been struggling through this pandemic. I'm sure y'all know that and I'm sure y'all are struggling as well

But I'm just-- alone. utterly and completely

I miss you and am sorry all this happened. 2021 better start looking up for you or I'll punch it.

I had horatio and athena and I still have athena you know but with out horatio around it's just become more painfully obvious about how isolated I am

and last year with Col, because bruh I am fucking 33 and I don't care about this fucking high school ass passive aggressive "Let's not talk about people directly otherwise people on an anonymous community are gonna take a dump on me" shit

Last year with col that was like a final string of fucking sanity breaking

I didn't know her that long, she's not a blip on the radar of what I guess you could consider "super close besties"

But she was someone whom I spoke with every day and we talked about a LOT of things and I felt we vibed

Only to find out she literally fucking talked about me behind my back ANONYMOUSLY, twisted my actions and words to make her look like the victim because she couldn't fucking handle that I had other friends and called her out when she was being a petty fucking child because someone else was nice and ""popular""

and then did a slow ghost instead of just

Literally

JUST TALKING TO ME

This is on top of another long term friendship just kinda disintegrating

ANd on top of a lot of issues i've had with friendships, that i am still working through

AND as a note part of the reason I avoided plurk and such was because i noticed a pattern of friendships imploding .... a Good majority of those friendships which imploded were people whom I met online through DWRP

Big If True

Anyway. it's convenient to blame this on DWRP or plurk, but I know that it isn't just that.

I don't trust myself or my choices. I don't trust that I won't be too much. I don't trust myself because I think I'm subconciously attracted to people I know will burn me. And right now I just

Bruh. I don't know. I just know plurk wouldn't have solved or helped my issues

and believe u me i want to get back into therapy because holy shit 2021 is the year of "let's traumatize Naima's entire family"

But first off: Laughs in I don't have a job so I don't have insurance and trying to find a therapist even when you have insurance is a fucking pain in the neck. gg. rip. better luck next time

Second off: I honestly didn't realize how much grief fucks with your perception of time until horatio died

I often lose track of what day it is. Sometimes I just find myself sitting in one place and suddenly I realize that I've been thinking about him for longer than I thought

And now during the night when I used to just have thoughts of me being an absolute failure and how no one actually cares about me and all those scum bag brain thoughts

Instead I look out the window and think about him and how I won't ever see him again

And, you know, of course, that it was my fault.

so there u have it. Naima's trauma lmao

I'm afraid I'm unconciously choosing toxic relationships because I have terrible boundaries. I'm afraid I am inherently off-putting. I'm afraid I'm easily disposable. Another uncle died. I realized one of my biggest anxietues about my parents dying is going to come true for real one day and possibly sooner than I thought

And then my actual biggest Worst Case Scenario came true which was one of my cats dying young and it being my fault

That's why I haven't been on plurk. Everything is awful. I don't want to just log on to be like "Lmao so guess what happened today!!!! MY DOCTOR FUCKED UP MY PRESCRIPTIoN AND I CANT GET IT FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS!!" and I'm in the purgatory of trying to just trust myself and trust the idea that I can make friends and be close to people --

with out me either tap dancing on toes and pushing them away without knowing that i'm doing that. Or putting myself into the position of everything blowing up.

wooooooooooooooooooooooo

OH and also know while this is definitely my own pity party, which I think is fucking understandable so lmao fuck anyone who judges me, this isn't me trying to call anyone to action to do anything for me

The only actionable things that I want done aren't things that most people i know could offer

literally they are like

1) get a job

2) I want a very specific type of cat because guess what, the reason I actually loved horatio at first sight was because he was like one of the breeds of cats that i loved and adored as a child

(bIRmAnS)

And finding him on the street was basically like god himself planted him there for me which is saying something because i have never even fukkin believed in god

And so when I looked up what type of cat he actually looked like (which I thought was a snowshoe, but lol surprise motherfucker it's a ragdoll) and realized that a lot of the weirdo quirks I liked about it were things common to the breed

I was like

welp. i'm getting another one

I realized if it had been athena, I would get another black cat no questions asked

and then I also realized "Jesus fuck naima. you have saved the lives of probably over 30 cats now. Give yourself a fucking break and don't be an asshole to yourself about wanting a purebred" (This was realized w the help of friends)

So if y'all know a fukkin ragdoll breeder who has a bicolor seal male kitten LMAO LETME KNOW IG???

3) get vaccinated jfc

4) no seriously a job

Oh gosh that is a Lot yeah. I’m sorry about the kitty. There’s no other options for your brother though? That sucks! Here we are only getting Pfizer but at least there you would have options? Good he got one lot of the vaccine for some protection but damn.

caprican: he is coming to CA to visit my mom next month. So mom is going to try and get him to get the J&J vaccine because he's being stubborn about it

lmao i think the only other option rn would be astrazeneca, but he would have to smuggle himself into a country that has approved it (my dad and my stepmom have both had it!), but IDK if that specific one would have the same issue as the other two shot vaccines

Yeah I hope that works out! That he can get another option safely. I have to wait for July earliest on my end to get mine. New Zealand is only doing Pfizer here so. Hoping it’s all good for me.

yeah i managed to get pfizer. the bay area has been pretty good about making stuff available. I think I'm in one of the most highly vaccinated areas of the US

Oh that’s great though that you are in an area where people are helping protect each other

Well New Zealand did a better job than the entirety of the US so LMAO I don't really have much room to talk

SJ actually became a hotspot for a moment there in August last year and I think its just an unfortunate consequence of a few things

Not to mention Disneyland held the entire government of california hostage so that it could open up early and basically took a dump on all of it's employees in the process

So the Bay Area is doing good as a whole rn, but I have a feeling we are going to be seeing shit go don within the next 2 months because of the large homeless population that the government pretends to care about, our proximity to the San Francisco airport, and all that jazz

At the very least a lot of us will be protected. But I just found out one of my neighbors aren't getting vaccinated because they don't trust it

Which is just great because they have two young kids. an infant. and it seems like the one who is the largest influence on the situation is an aspiring police officer and I'm just like

Jesus fucking christ

But we aren't as bad as other places, that's for sure

Yeah even here there’s probably some that refuse. We have had border workers fired because of it with that risk of them then getting sick and spreading it to the community.

yeah. i heard about people in other countries who have never lived or even visited the US get sucked into Q-Anon/Trump bullshit and I am just

speechless, really. I remember when it started imploding in a big way over here during 2016 and into 2017 and I was in denial that people were that fucking easily worked over.... so it's kinda that same feeling again hearing about it happening elsewhere

Er I should add. the cop I'm speaking of is not a trumper and I don't have any reason to believe he's q-anon at all. lord if he was I would be scared for my life and my mom would probably pay for me to move lmao, but all the doubt around the vaccine has been pumped out by those assholes

Yup. I have been so ???? at seeing it here with protests and such. That ease of communicating and ideas from overseas isn’t always a positive I guess.

<3333 i wish there was some way i could help improve 2021, this whole year has been bogus

That's a LOT to go through. It's undderstandable that you've needed time. I really hope things start looking up soon.

yeah... i haven't been on most any social media except to post art p much

the biggest exception I made was when I posted on to facebook only about my uncle's death in January and then I posted to all platforms when horatio died since I had been planning on sending the pins out that weekend

I've been semi-permanently invisible on discord because i just don't really have a lot of energy right now

This is what you call Anxious and avoidant attachment styles Whoops