[gender/sister/rage] since my mom isn't going to call until she gets off work later tonight and I feel like I'm going crazy... might as well vent the abscess that was the talk with my sister.
sits and prepares my massive salt reserves
cracks knuckles
lol I can't believe how hungover i feel from yesterday actually
brain body and soul run over by a heavay truck or something
Im keeping that typo
that spirit-truck was heavay
I think I'm going to just kind of stream-of-thought type about what I remember from yesterday, so it's going to be all the fuck over the place
so PLEASE just jump in with commentary or whatever
or thoughts or whatever
heavay: an order of magnitude above heavy
don't wait for me to stop gfdhkj
emphasis on the second syllable
heavay
so... to recap, I'd sent her a message explaining that I was having both a problem with the whole dress/etc. thing, as well as the fact that she showed absolutely no sign of caring or empathizing, which would make a hugely stressful event for both of us
and so it was probably better that I just show up to support her as a guest and all that, and she have her day with her girls without having to worry about me freaking out
I also said that I would love to still contribute and help out with things if I could, and say something at her wedding because she's my sister and I love her.
so, when she finally calls me.... pretty much the first thing she says is "so, you're cutting out on the wedding??"
and I told her no of course not. I was just trying to save us both a lot of stress and frustration, and opt for something where we had a hope of both being happy and all that.
I told her that this whole dress-and-makeup thing would be a huge anxiety pit for me and I would be fighting that the whole time, etc.
and she's like "...and the other option wouldn't?? you would actually show up as a guest, after bailing on the wedding party, and be okay??"
her incredulity was surprising me, so i tried to explain that... yeah? I would be fine? that's why I suggested it?? like... I was confused as to why she thought that I was actually saying that I was skipping out on the wedding altogether and wouldn't be able to bring myself to go at all.
I kind of thought that clearing that up would help, and maybe we could settle on this as an uncomfortable but reasonable compromise.
BUT APPARENTLY THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END
oh boy went right to an extreme
yeah... it was just a tiny sign of allllllllllll the stuff that had been building up in her head, I guess
because this was instead a mindblowingly-disappointing sign to her of my selfishness and immaturity
her words
I guess she couldn't understand how I could be okay showing up like everything was fine, after everything I'd done
and boy, the laundry list of my transgressions was staggering
she started with, in the most seethingly rage-filled and betrayed voice I've ever hear, demanding to know why the hell I would "inject so much obsession and emotion" into how I look and what I wear
I could ask the same of her
that I would be so vain and concerned with how I looked that I would even consider not wearing a stupid dress to her wedding, let alone put up a fight about it
gkjdfhgkl
she went on to say about how she knows plenty of lesbians, butch ones even, who never wear dresses, who said they would wear garbage bags to the wedding if she'd asked them
how even my "gay-phobic brother" who would have freaked out at the thought, would have put on a dress if she'd asked
and how not one person she knows would have had a problem with it
and I.... agreed with her? because yeah, none of them have a problem with it. but I do.
and I tried to explained that being a lesbian has nothing to do with it.
oh my god...
I tried to explain it to her. I dared to mention anything about gender. I tried to explain how I am now, and have been for years.
and... lordy
in response to me wanting some understanding from her, she said that she does get the fact that it's hard for me. so, I said that I was glad, and that it was some step in a direction that wasn't there before.
and she very coldly said no. it wasn't. she got the fact that it was difficult, but not why, and that she cared exactly the same amount that she did before. case closed.
her words, again.
she said that's where her understanding stops.
she said she can't believe how much focus I'm putting on my own presentation, and how unstable, selfish, and unhealthy it was.
and that this proves what she's been thinking for a long time
ugh
SHE... uh
we have had a very long history of her keeping these thoughts and opinions that I have no idea about until they EXPLODE out of her in a tide of venom
that's why I've been so hopeful the last few years because we'd been getting along so well (I'd thought), even since I came out to her first, she supported me, we patched over a lot of holes from the past
and spending time apart
ooh rancid's a good word
yeah, I.... ugh
this started back when she blamed the fact that I was a very mean little girl back when we were tiny kids, on all of her emotional problems and everything wrong in her life
and no amount of apologizing or trying to make up for it since then has ever stuck for long, I think
I realized I was being a horrible person somewhere between when I was 7 and 9, and made a very conscious effort to grow up and be better
wow i... pity her future spouse creature
but... I guess that excuses the fact that the roles have been reversed between us ever since?? idk
anyway, this "thing" that she said she's had confirmed about me was
that she was "100% sure" that I haven't actually found myself out here and found healthy happiness for myself.
...even though in the next breath she said that there really was no way for her to know for sure since she doesn't spend any time around me to see how I am day-to-day
??????
yep. yeeeeep.
because she is such a great judge of what's healthy or happy
clearly
yeah.
lol... last night, while stick was having her own ranting session
she very aptly said that you don't really have a right to make such a hugely strong judgement about another person's mental health, when you yourself refuse to go to counseling or do anything for your own mental health.
but that wasn't going to stop my sister from going on a tirade about how obvious it was that I was doing some seriously unhealthy shit... and that she could go on with evidence about it
SO I WAS LIKE PLEASE YES TELL ME HOW YOU HAVE COME TO THIS CONCLUSION
PLEASE TELL ME HOW EVERY PERSON I HAVE HUNG OUT WITH IN PERSON HAS THE OPPOSITE OPINION OF ME BUT YOU KNOW THE REAL TRUTH
LMFA
and she said it started even back with............ my first halloween here
........?
that was the beginning of "all the red flags" she's been keeping track of
um
yeah
yep
yes.
she's colorblind
obvs
lmfao
I was so flabbergasted
I just
begged her to explain
and she said how disappointing and warning it was to her that I didn't even do anything for my costume, and what a bad sign that was
and
I was like
....... you mean the Edward Scissorhands costume that I built from the ground up?
...... or do you mean the Winter Soldier costume that I spent weeks building the arm for?
because those were my first two halloweens here
and she goes
".... oh."
"..."
"....well, whichever one where it was just a mask. you just covered your face."
it maybe was a little hilarious how absolutely fucking offended I got gfdhkjgfhdkj
because she was talking about my big bad wolf costume, that matched stick's badass red riding hood costume
LMFAO HI STICK
HELLO DEAR
I wish you could have seen how pissed off I got over this
I went on a rant about how much work I put into that stupid costume, how proud of it I was, how long I spent making the fang details for your half of the costume
"IT WAS A MASK" she said in the most patronizingfdghfkjdhjk AAAUGH
I AM STILL SO FUCKING ANGRY
I'm angry about a lot but there is something so personally insulting about this
I liked that costume for a lot of reasons, but yeah, I did like the fact that my face was covered, so I could keep my identity and gender ambiguous. i thought that was a cool element of the costume???
but my sister is over there shaking her head
Okay I will admit, up until now, I still held out a shred of hope that all this bile was about her being stressed by her future MIL trying to dictate her wedding and/or worries that the family was going to use her wedding as the stage for commentary on your gender/sexuality choices. Which wouldn't make it right, but would make it more... understandable?
Noooooooooot so much now. Nope. Sorry. Your sister is a raging bitch. Fin.
.........you are not even close to vain about your appearance. where is she even getting this?!
she's getting it from the fact that I'm "making the decision" to choose how I look over her feelings and wishes
and anytime that I tried to explain that me fighting off panic attacks wasn't exactly a CHOICE, it was further evidence that I was seriously unstable and not dealing with my problems
....which leads me to how I am repressing important parts of myself instead of dealing with them
and how me "ditching the whole female thing" is "a joke"
bECAUSE DOING YOUR LEVEL BEST TO AVOID SHITTY SITUATIONS FOR YOUR PROBLEMS IS, OF COURSE, ~NOT DEALING WITH THEM~
I've been reading your plurks about this wedding b.s., and I kept thinking that she would realize where you're coming from. That the stress of the wedding day, all the shit that goes into the event, was just clouding her judgment or whatever. Now, nope. No. She's being fucking horrible about this, and I am so sorry you're being put this shit.
yeah I
couldn't believe that her stance on this went so deep and ws apparently something that she's been thinking about and judging me on for so long
she went on to explain that she has noticed a trend about me that I've apparently done my entire life, even as a kid
"ditching the female thing is a joke" Okay. That right there. She can go to hell for all I care. Wow, I'm seething over here. I would have lost my fucking shit had I heard that in person
and that is to "lose a piece of myself" to every group of friends I attach myself to, for even a short period of time
and how i keep changing myself to fit in with them
and how "sad" that is
FuturePetDetective: oh I fucking lost my shit. that's when I really started to yell
i didn't have real words for a few breaths for that punch
destroy
destroy
I remember yelling "IT IS NOT A FUCKING JOKE"
and then my brain just spinning
"lose a piece of yourself to every group," holy fucking shit. She can go right to hell! Oh my God, that is the most infuriating fucking shit.
tbh if she's the type of "female" she's referring too damn straight anyone would "ditch it"
knghjgkj
yeah I just
I was in shock through so much of this
Red, I am so so sorry. Christ, what a shitty conversation with such a shitty sister. Wow...
at some point I went on a rant about how this was not because of whatever group of friends I have over here. and how hey sometimes people GROW and change and how this was all part of me finally figuring myself out
and she kept straight up telling me I was wrong
go to the wedding
Like she fucking knows you better than you know yourself. Fuck her.
destroy the cake
and never see her again
juuuuust because she remained a bitch doesn't mean everyone does
I went off about how I'm constantly trying to prove myself to her, with every decision I've made or thing I've tried to do for myself, and I brought up the antidepressant example
and she said that of course she's going to have judgments and opinions, that's what humans do, but it shouldn't matter to me. it shouldn't have an effect on me.
and I told her that she must seriously underestimate how much I care about what she thinks of me, then.
....and that's when she screamed WELL APPARENTLY NOT IF YOU WONT EVEN WEAR A DRESS FOR ONE GODDAMNED DAY
because apparently she's the fucking exception to the rule that opinion's don't matter.
yeah. yep. i just.
and speaking of how opinions dont matter and how that shit shouldnt affect anything...
many times through this whole thing, she would go on about how completely dumbfounded she was over how selfish and immature i was being, how she couldn't believe I wasnt thinking about how I was affecting other people
"you've made a scene in the family, you've made a scene among the bridal party, you're HURTING mom"
"you know... mom has been having a really hard time with you leaving, and how you're adding THIS on top of it"
which, I first need to say, it's hard to imagine the scene I personally must have caused when all I've literally done is had a few texts with my sister in which she refused to say much of anything
but no, I've caused a huge uproa
how could I not see the huge damaging mess I've caused everyone.
again, the mind-boggling hypocrisy
the scene you are causing
you throwing fits over a wedding
you being personally offended over your sister trying to express herself or be comfortable in her own bod--oh wait
l-lmfao.
yeah.
this is why I really need to talk to my mom, though.
I can't have all these accusations thrown at me about how I'm hurting my mom and NOT have that affect me a hell of a lot
it still feels like I just got her back???
I don't want to have to go through another year of separation and pain again ha ha
it seems to me like your sister picked the exact things that she knew would hurt you the most and just threw them at you to hurt you
which is just awful and cruel honestly and i'm so sorry that you have to deal with it
^^^^
yeah gfdhkj
things that she has been storing up for a long time apparently
and lmfao this isn't even everything
she also made damn sure that I was "literally the least supportive person, especially in the family. THE LEAST."
and that I was just "literally just as bad" as her fiance's mother who has been bitching and complaining and trying to control every element of the wedding
all of which are her words
I am trying to get my way
unwilling to do one little thing
I am "MAKING THE DECISION" to do this
she couldnt believe "how I could do this to her"
I didn't realize your unwillingness to wear a dress also meant you hated the flowers, the choice of food for cocktail hour and dinner, and the cake flavors and design
grinds teeth
did I mention how she kept telling me how "sad" it was that I couldnt see any of this
ALSO did I mention how I'm repressing important parts of myself with this whole gender thing
by trying to ignore my feminine parts and dress like a boy and whatever else Im doing, Im just pushing parts of myself down instead of trying to address and accept them
that's why this whole thing is "a joke"
which.... lord i wish I could just brush all of that off as mean words
but they are seriously sticking
Okay but let's say you were in a wheelchair, would she seriously expect you to stand up in the wedding party? Because that's what she's doing with this. (and yes feel free to use that) This is a part of who you are, whether she likes it or not. Whether she understands it or not. It is what it is.
And she's missing a very important key thing about weddings. the only thing that matters? is that at the end of the day you are married. With good hope, to someone wonderful who will be your partner for life. But married is the goal. Cake, flowers, pictures, dresses? NONE OF THAT SHIT ACTUALLY MATTERS
Things that do matter? Are things like not being able to watch the video of your wedding because there sits your MIL with her arms folded over her chest scowling the entire time. Not being able to stomach your mother for years because she's "humilitated" that you're having a public wedding while pregnant and why can't you just go to the courthouse.
That shit? That matters. Throwing a tantrum over a dress and making it be about gender issues when clearly the problem is your sister is a fight you feel you can win and your future-MIL is not? NOT OKAY AND NO. Seriously you do not attack your allies. It's foolish. Your sister is a ripe fool.
And in 20 years, no one will remember jack shit about her wedding or who wore what unless she makes a production over it. Which clearly she's doing. But they will not be the kind of memories she wants people taking from it.
She wants examples of shitty relatives ruining a wedding? I can give her plenty of them.
Like my half of my extended family boycotting my cousin's wedding because it was being held in a church that permitted homosexual members. Included in the boycott? His mother and both his sisters. :|
^this
At the end of the day, I've been married almost 22 years to my best friend. I didn't have the location I wanted or the dress or the support of family. But I'm married to the most amazing guy and that really is the only thing that matters.
this all means a lot to hear, you guys
because at the end, she said that I really should have been a part of this day, and I agreed
and she made sure to let me know that it was MY DECISION to not be
i was crying a lot last night because I'd already picked out what I was going to read at her wedding, ha ha
I've been trying for years to have a real relationship with my sister again, and I'd thought we were doing good. apparently I was wrong
/hugs
one of the other things she'd talked about was how we "have no real relationship" and apparently haven't for years
because I havent been around
and she included back when we lived 45 mins apart in this. so I just... watched everything I'd thought fall apart.
she said we had no relation ship and she blamed me for it.
she also said, at the end, that the only reason she agreed to have me in the wedding party and do the whole maid of honor thing was because apparently my mom said it would be weird if I wasn't
so that was... great to hear
the whole reason I agreed to it at all was because she said it was the maid of honor's job to contribute and say something at the reception, which I wanted to do because I love her
and this was the ONLY WAY to do that
and now that I have apparently betrayed her, there is absolutely no way I'm doing any of that.
she made damn sure on multiple occasions to let me know that.
"You're either in or you're out." "there is NO way you're going to say anything at the reception if you're not standing in the wedding party"
are among the things she yelled at me
YEAH and ugh
that is such a rage trigger for me
if i'm ever obsessive about people being honest and upfront to me, it's because of this
she's done this off and on our whole lives
and i think she also expects me to think like her???
like, among the last things she said to me
in just the coldest, meanest, no-nonsense tones possible
→ kneecap
is
that if I was going to "bail on the wedding party and still show up", I was going to "have to keep it QUIET."
and I.... didn't even know what she could possibly mean at first???
like what did she expect I was going to do?
start badmouthing her at the wedding? look for a soapbox to preach my heathen gender-breaking ways? try to steal a microphone and give a speech anyway??
idek
yeah I guess
she was like "PEOPLE ARE GOING TO ASK"
That'd be my guess.
"PEOPLE ARE GOING TO WANT TO KNOW WHY YOIURE NOT IN THE PARTY."
"KEEP IT SHORT."
gdfkjhgkj yeah
and like
Ive never done that shit
ever
"Because I'd wreck my sister's perfect pictures if I wore a tux."
unless it's online to people who will never meet her, i don't badmouth her or try to start shit
lmfao.
Which frankly, I'd be tempted to do. Shrug and walk away. You kept it short.
"idk ask her"
nah because she'll spin it "it was her choice to bail on me"
which will just keep people running back and forth from you two all night
yeah
ugh
Tell the truth. "I'd wreck her pictures if I wore a tux."
I wish I could just talk to my mom right now and get this over with
I hate feeling sick over this
she's the only one I am concerned about with this
my dad and brother... whatever
I cant imagine them "taking sides" or whatever, and my extended family can think whatever they want
you aren't suppressing anything with gender decisions. I don't like purses and I hate shopping, which are stereotypically feminine
I'm still me and as feminine as I want to be.
Tech stuff and gaming is seen as being for guys. should I give up my gamer identity? absolutely not
we all have different ways we express our gender...whatever it is. sometimes it matches what is expected and sometimes it doesn't
you doing what makes you feel right and comfortable as a person is being self aware...not suppressing
normally I can hang onto that thought easily
Im just soooo glad I have a queer-supportive counseling session right around the corner-- even if it's just the intake session and then I have to wait a week or two for a counselor
it's a lot harder with that poison spinning around in your brain
like I told stick...unless she ends up not sending me an invite, I think she was planning on inviting me to the wedding
so I'll be there too
I hope so
that would be so great :<
also, I'm doing my damndest not to white Knight because she'd probably take me reaching out to her right now as you "making a scene" and I don't want to make things worse
but you say the word and I'm there
hey, I could always crash. what's she gonna do? tell me to leave?
omfg if you tried to contact her in any capacity, she would freak out
exactly. that's the only reason I haven't
but just know i would in a heartbeat if you want
lol she's always had a problem with you, I think
so I can only imagine the explosion that would happen
lol. well, she's like my mom. she likes me a lot when you and I were ever fighting
but otherwise, I was competition for your attention
she's jealous and insecure. so....basically my usual foray with family. I'm used to it. lol
God the whole thing sounds like she's projecting so might she might as well be a classroom projector
lkfjhdgjlkhdfkjl
jgkfhdkj
too bad gift certificates to a therapist is not considered an acceptable wedding present good lord
your mom likes me though (I think) so use me if that's helpful. lol
randomtology: ikr
maybe just a list of local ones. no use giving her a certificate until she has one. lol
I'm just going to put this out here, and by no means do I mean anything that you have to do anything for her Red, or it's your fault- at the end of the day she's responsbile for her own actions
and everyone has baggage, so it should never be considered an excuse
and it's basically she sounds fucking miserable with her life. She's trying to play it safe- stay local, marry a guy that seems like a safe option, go the wedding plan that is "acceptable"
being like if I play it safe, I'll be happy. And surprise surprise, something about it is not working out for her at all
meanwhile she looks at Red who did take a serious gamble by breaking up with Steve, by moving out to Seattle, by getting together with Stick, by getting into the gender thing, by getting into art
gamble after gamble. Each one of these were a risk and had a chance of failing or blowing up in your face.
And I'm not saying it's been easy or there hasn't been things or some bad consequences to what you've done- but I definitely say you are more happy than you are unhappy in your life
despite the fact you did not play it by the Midwestern Safe Rule Book
/\ this tbh
your sister sounds bitter as fuck
and I feel there's part of her, that is envious and bitter about it
yup
so she's been trying to find any sort of sign that you are secretly super unhappy to justify her own failings in finding her own happiness
and when you're looking for something, you're going to find it- even if it doesn't exist
that way if she finds it, she can be content with the idea of "well that's just how life is but at least I played it safe by following the rules!!"
couple that with the fact she is the type that seems hellbent on finding someone else to blame for her own problems, and you get....this shit.
oh yeah she's absolutely not looking inward for her own issues
oh yeah
because then she doesn't have the responsibility to FIX them
She can just blame the evil witch for her curse of unhappiness
yuuuuuuuuuuup. my little sis is exactly like this and honestly sometimes you have to just step back and be "okay, I'm leaving you to fix your own shit or not, it's up to you"
oh yeah this is totally not on you to fix her
she's not your responsbility and honestly she's an adult
and the thing about adulthood is that if you are unhappy about your life situation, it's on you to find a way to fix it
whether it be find something that does bring you happiness, or change something about your life, or try a new mindset, etc etc
yuuup
yeah... Im really trying hard to believe and hang onto this very thought
my counselor said something along these lines back in the day, when my sister was doing... whatever it was at the time
I think at some point she was saying that I was running away from my problems instead of standing my ground and facing them, by running off to seattle
which... I think my family's idea of that boils down to "stay in an abusive situation until it threatens to kill you"
figuratively or literally, depending on who we're talking about
yeah screw that
OH MY GOD I WANT TO USE SO MANY BAD WORDS.
ugh screw that SO much
use em
there is no censoring here ghfkjd
i am screaming in my head right now. i was hoping maybe she wasn't a complete fucking sack of shit but no. she is.
She is rotten to the fucking core
She is projecting so hard
Everything she yelled at you is stuff she refuses to acknowledge about herself
I'm glad you got out of there. Never go back.
She can go straight to hell.
You're telling me that even though you tried to mend bridges for the past few years, she bottled everything up and pretended to like you
This fucking
OOOH GOD
LOL you know it migght sound like Im joking when I say that it's nice to hear someone be angry for me
but I really mean it
it really means a lot, especially when I can't... really do it myself
nah i get it, ive been so depressed where its like i cant feel anything and it's.. nice to feel like you matter
IT MAKES ME FEEL VALIDATED at the very least
yeah
it's a nice reassurance
and yeah...
like
christmas was so nice
they put me on speakerphone while they opened the presents I sent them
I felt like it was there, and I was sooo glad that my sister liked what I got her
she sounded happy. she sounded like we were okay.
but she'd been sitting on all of this (like she has for years I guess) and it just... idk... gives me false hope
That's not your fault at all
rancid is a very good word
She can take all this fucking hatred to hell with her, while you have your happy life far away from her toxic, unnecessary passive aggressive bullshit
rancid is a perfect word
I'm so pissed
yeah I
honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she holds this kind of hate for everyone in her life
that she just sits on until approriate
as far as she's concerned, I am done. this is definitely the last straw of me trying.
and yeah seriously, not a single damn thing is your fault. this is all her being unable to deal with her own damn problems
that's probably for the best
she kind of does? but I guess I hadn't realized to exactly what extent. or thought maybe she'd grown out of it at some point.
you can only try so much for so long until you're beating your head against a brick wall
I feel so stabbed in the back
right in a blind side
because honestly the dress vs suit thing at the end of the day sounds like an excuse than anything else. If it hadn't been this, it would've been something else.
and if it hadn't been you, it would've been someone else
and I was pretty much literally begging her for some sort of feeling or care or connection at all. that's all I wanted.
and she said no.
so... fine. that's all I could do.
yeah, that's just awful
and then threw in all of these mindfuckery things on top of it
yeah it's ridiculous and over such a tiny thing, what the hell difference would you wearing a suit make? god :|
and they're all things that are really hard for me to shrug off.
lol Im as just bad as the wicked mother in law.
I still cant believe
aaaugh
I fudged the truth a little and made it seem like I need tomorrow off work for doctor-appointment reasons, but my appt is on the phone
I just really
need a day to decompress after all of tihs
...I also didn't get the work done at home that I needed to do because of all this
so I can try to calm down today over that, and just leave it for tomorrow
god yeah you need a You Day
ugh and I just
tbh i feel bad for the mother-in-law, like shit wedding hasn't even happened yet and she's already demonizing her
haha gfdkj welp
I don't know anything abut the mother-in-law, maybe she is an awful person
but it's like that's...not a promizing sign to this marriage at all
that's what I've heard, but it was all through my sister's filter so who knows
though
i think that's the mom that turned her soon-to-be-hubby into the doormat he is today
so maybe they're super alike gdfhkjgf
sjlfkadsfd I COULD SEE THAT
he's sticking with what he knows gdfjkg
yeah i've known a number of doormat men that basically just
married their moms
also lmfao autumnleaving I got your like six friend requests dkjfhg
yep.
one even looked just like his mom but 20 years younger it was so creepy
LMFAOgfdhkj
the thing that sucks most I guess
aside from worrying about how my mom is dealing
→ kneecap
is
the thing that i'd picked out to read at the wedding
→ kneecap
was
smething that my sister wrote me years ago.
I'd recently found it with the stuff I'd brought here from home, and I'd forgotten how nice it was. acknowledging how we'd always had our huge differences and ugly moments, how we both kept changing and growing as people but always meeting up at some point and reconnecting
now am I not only going to not read it at her wedding, but I'm going to have to pack that fucking thing away where I can't see it.
because it hurts too much to look at.
/holds you so tight
For what it's worth (and I don't mean this as an excuse for her behavior)...I see a lot of my mom's behaviors in her
so I don't know that she was actually bullshitting that things were happy or good when they seemed that way. I don't think she's that good of an actor
I think she's got a bad habit of storing old hurts away that comes from a lifetime of family practice of repressing rather than dealing
and when she's upset, she does what my mom does...which is completely forget that any good actually exists and rewrites the current situation into a new reality
where everyone is against her
I think she's hypocritical, cruel, self-centered, and completely unable to see how she's projecting her own emotional uncertainty onto the people around her
but I don't think all that effort and time you spent was wasted...and I don't think the positive stuff was all a lie. I think she's too insecure to let it be what either of you wishes it was....but you, at least, did everything you could. And, in some way, I do think it mattered.
;;;;;;
And I do think she loves you and part of that is there under this mess. I do NOT think that means you need to pursue anything, or that you have some obligation to seek that out again
^^^^
But keep those good memories. Maybe not for now. It's probably too painful atm. But I think they're as real as the crappy ones
in the end, it's her decision to make minutiae more important than having important people be part of her wedding
you had literally one criterion and she tried to push past it to control you
and that's on her 100%.
those are all good points
jfnfjfbfb I'm just. gonna continue to be absolutely livid on tour behalf URGH.
/hugs you protectively
;;;;;;;;; thanks
okay I have been trying to words but just kept screaming "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK" at your sister's nonsense so let me try again three hours later. (Sorry about the million friend requests, my computer wasn't showing me I'd sent it laskdj)
First, and most importantly, your sister is the one who is wrong and zero % of any of this is on you.
It is literally Red: "I am not comfortable in a dress and would rather wear pants. If you need all of your bridesmaids etc in dresses I won't hold a grudge, I'll just come to support you as part of the audience."
Sister: "screech YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE AND YOU'RE RUINING MY WEDDING AND YOU'RE REPRESSING YOUR SECRET DESIRES TO BE A GIRL AND MOM IS CRUSHED"
Sister: "screech YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE AND YOU'RE RUINING MY WEDDING AND YOU'RE REPRESSING YOUR SECRET DESIRES TO BE A GIRL AND MOM IS CRUSHED"
There is no way in hell that any part of her reaction has been at all reaasonable, and furthermore she's gone out of her way to target things that you are uncomfortable about and honestly at this point it just sounds like she's being a fucking sadist and trying to force you because you're uncomfortable
(yes it does, doesn't it?)
And so, I conclude with: fuck this bitch. I know it hurts when family pulls a 180 like that, but fuck her nonetheless. You are an amazing person who has done amazing and amazingly brave things with their life and I would be proud AF to have you in my wedding whether you're wearing a tux or a fucking tiara. okay?
both obvi
the tuxiara is a precious and important tradition
that too. I would also accept a hula skirt, a mecha suit, whatever the fuck you felt comfortable wearing because I want my family and friends to be happy with me not fucking miserable because I'm not a goddamn psychopath
please show up to the wedding in a mecha suit.
if that happens i want pictures >D