mental inventory of things i am happy about and why

things i can change or improve onnnn

also rly focusing on the catalysts that started my descent into dis shit. since as it is now my mind stubbornly tells itself 'you've always been like this, you're just like this 'cause its the way you are'

idk there was definitely a tipping point

you've always been a heavy drinker, i was going through some old chat logs the other day to find something and you were aaaaaaaaaaaaalways doing cherry bombs

like every other night

and i don't wanna imply that's not BAD but you were more functional and it died down after a while anyway

i m o it was around last year that it got really bad?

when p much every conversation with you became how much american honey you had drank that night

yeah p much like i remember that i've always liked drinking but while i drank heavily it was in some sense of moderation i guess?? i had bad spells where for a week or so i'd def overdo it

but back then i'd be like whoa i overdid it ok backing off now funs over

then last year after i started my job and had more money for it it became more frequent but slowly descended into problematic but i still backed off it a lot

then this year idk it was def a series of things that lead to me getting worse. like my SWTOR guild turning on me and ditching me put a dent in my self esteem

then two funerals this year with people i was very close to, my grandpa and our friend kevin who was p much an uncle to us. and i deal with funerals bad anyway

which that stems from childhood, the incident with my grandpa dying when i was young just idk fucked me up

then after that i really didn't have anyone close to me die really, i knew people who died but none of them were established in my day to day life if that makes sense

none of their passings affected my daily routine, they shook me a bit and i mourned them in passing sure

it wasn't until my uncle died a couple years ago that i had to cope with it again, then having two in a short span this year when i was already stressed just helped tip me more

with your job, do you think you'd be able to start seeing a therapist?

and while moving out on my own was overall a good thing for me it was also very, very sudden

since you've got spare cash now

maybe grief counseling?

like i got the bright idea to look, saw one i liked, put my best foot forward and applied and bam suddenly i have an apartment!!

yeah maybe

i really should tbh

since it seems like you never got over your grandpa properly and it all just branches off from that...

it's not easy the way you are now, which seems to be just hoping no one else will die and trigger this all over again

i've debated looking into it, i'm t rying rn to get my budget back under control like i still have savings and i haven't spent all my money or anything but the past month my savings p much broke even

tho thats a lot to do with my family

ie them asking for money and while i say no a lot more than i used to, there's still times where i feel hard pressed

like ok i can say no but mason needs school supplies, or mason still needs food

and yeah i think a lot of my stuff stems from my grandpa dying tbh like its something thats idk.

i don't think a lot about when my grandpa died anymore, if that makes sense, but there's a lot of emotional problems that i can trace back to the event

ie coping with loss poorly

i directly avoided getting friends in like middle and high school because of it, like i was 9-10 years old saying to my mom 'i don't wanna get close to anyone, they'll just leave anyway'

so for years i just didn't lmao

YEAH yeah, which is why i suggested grief counseling over like a psychologist idk maybe it'd be cheaper too?

and now that i'm coming out of my shell more and making more friends i take the loss of them harder, i take death p hard, etc. and yeah it might be idk i'll look into it

trying to figure out insurance too but if i look into it i could prob just pay out of pocket idk!! its another stressor really lmao handling all this stuff on my own

my apartment life has come with many pros and cons!! tho the cons are just things that will take time to adjust to really. part of it is i was hard on myself for idk being stressed about it??

like oh no i'm just a weenie i'm 27 i should be ok why am i a bad adult etc!!

so its another thing i have to take a step back and remind myself that its something that P MUCH EVERYONE EVER struggles with balancing and also i jumped into it all very suddenly