Like it always been since I was little, will always be alone. I’ve accepted that and will no longer trust anyone online or off again.

Im on my own. I will suffer alone. I will cry alone. I will ultimately die alone. And I will burn in Hell.

My fate is sealed.

Can’t even stomach being online right now. Just gonna proof until tomorrow

Operation “Erase your online and real life existence” will take some time to complete. But once my plurk account is deleted, that means “mission accomplished” Everyone can celebrate cause the evil monster that is me had been vanquished and all of Dreamwidth and Plurk will be safe and no longer afraid anymore

Honestly I wished I had never been born or that I had died when born 2 months or so premature. I could’ve died then, but Life enjoyed seeing me miserable, so...

Not existing at all is more preferable than this.

Do not say such things ;__;

Please.

You are not an evil monster

I have yet to be proven otherwise. I know those involved and random lurkers can see this. None this far had commented on this plurk to talk things out. But that’s okay; im not trying anymore

Please don't give up. It's fine to distance yourself from RP but don't do this

Give me a good reason why

There is more to life than just RP. If people want to be rude and treat you this way then hell with them. find something else. anything at all to get yourself into and devote your life to that.

don't let them make you out to be a monster

someone still cares about you

Though it’s mostly rp, it’s the same with real life. No one cares about me unless I offer them something or is beneficial ro them

then why am i still here

desperately trying to stop you from doing this?

Im no good to you. What does staying here accomplish? For more folks to ignore me? For more games to ban me? I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Why don’t you understand that?

i want to show you that i am your friend and i am not leaving

you need someone to show you that you are worth living

someone wants you on this earth

Those people should not be having you pre-banned and need to let things go.. but this isn't going to prove them wrong.

Doesn’t matter. You can’t undo a ban anyway. That and people don’t forgive so easily. Im a prime example of that

that's not true.

you need to give them time and work on getting better. having a breakdown like this is not going to help matters other than continue to send you on a spiral.

i want to see you healthy

i want to see you eventually be able to get into games again

everything's too fresh.

Okay then... who do you know that’s been unbanned from a game?

All those “wankers” mentioned on Wankgate and RPanons have friends, rp partners, and haven’t been on revamped from games like I have. And said “wankers” have friends who had blocked and ignored me

I once had a friend named Celes. She was in a similar position as you. She had people getting her pre-banned from games. She got shunned from the whole of DW like you are but i still see her around.

I'm sure if she came back now that she'd be able to. If you work on yourself and prove that you're doing better in the future, it isn't impossible.

*prebanned

i believe in that

I already did that. I left Dreamwidth around 2016 or so because I was talked about on Wankgate concerning my behavior and the characters I play. I came back in November with hopes of getting it right, but I messed up and now I’m the worst thing there is despite trying to make amends. Im not going for a third attempt just to fall flat on my face again

Had I not gotten interested in YGO on the first place or at least not participate in the 4th wall event like I was going to previously, then all of this would’ve been avoided

you can't help that ;;

I could’ve stopped myself from using plurk, cause similar stuff happened in the past and I should’ve used that knowledge to not allow myself to get close to people

Well, RPA mod responded and is thankful for that. Least they were willing to tell me what needs fixing and wished me luck as well. I think I broke the camel’s back when I publicly posted on Plurk my credit card info and announced that I emptied my savings and whatever. Someone must’ve saw it and told the mod hence the ban.

They also mentioned therapy and that it’s not DWRP’s responsibility to fix me, which I understand completely. Im just glad that SOMEONE was willing to call me out on this, since no one else was willing to.

Anyway, I thank them and told them that for what it’s worth I won’t participate in any social hobby(online and off. Don’t really do anything irl anyway)-

And wished them a good 2025. Will delete Noble Heart journal later today, cause I’m not coming back to anything online and nothing’s there for me irl, so will just exist in my room.

I understand the need for therapy. Least therapist understands how I feel when I talked to her last year. Guess I’ll talk to her for the final time in a few hours rather than ignore her and pay the $135 no show fee. Hoping I get a reminder email soon with the zoom link, which I might... if not, oh well. I mean -

Regardless of what therapist says, im still erasing myself both online and off since there’s really no reason for me to hope and whatever anymore.

...Im just so touched at RPA mod. They did what no one else was willing to do and it made me feel validated or whatever. Even though it’s too late, im still thankful for them. Wish others would do the same though

Anyway, will set my alarm clock cause therapy starts a little over 2 hours. Guess I’ll update afterward, assuming I get the reminder email

Oh, need to clarify something: RPA mod said that I was using the community to financially harm myself(maybe they got that impression from me offering points and paid account time to random anons?) That’s not true I think, cause I still have a reasonable amount of savings in my account. What all of DW didn’t realize is that -

I had a Bluesky account at the time. The people who I know over there had no relations to DW and are simply furries with financial hardships. Majority of my savings were sent on their ko-fi or PayPal accounts cause they had it linked there. Wven though I was at the point of not caring at the time when it came to my money -

It was for a good cause, that they would make better use of said money than me, hence the emptying of my savings. Still though, the fact that I posted my credit card info on plurk was what gave RPA mod that assumption. Regardless, they have the right to feel that way so no fault on them

I could be wrong, but that’s in the past. I have no regrets with what I did with my money. I have no attachment to such things despite it being needed for everyday life. I don’t really want it except to buy comfort food. Have no use for it otherwise

Just... feeling really terrible right now. Mainly cause I had to seek out RPA mod for detailed review/critique of my behavior. No one who had a problem with me told me what’s wrong or what I did wrong ro fix it. Rather they would lurk about on my plurk when it was public, ignore my DMs when I apologized and offered an olive branch of sorts-

(If they didn’t want it, that’s fine. Just tell me so rather than leave me in the dark by ignoring and blocking me), tell their friends that I’m harassing them when I clearly wasn’t, “accidentally “ liked one of my plurks, mods claimed to private plurk them to talk to them, but since I don’t know how to do that at the time, responded to the mod contact-

Page only for that to be ignored. Even now, my plurk is public and is waiting for those who have a problem with me to speak up, but with no response.

Im at fault too. I had constantly deleted my plurk and rp journals, email accounts, and Discord ro make contact nearly impossible. But at the same time, when I did reached out, it was ignored.

Guess there’s no point for a truce of sorts. All the more reason to not believe that folks care about me. Yes, my behavior is immature at best, but at least I’m being adult enough to want to straighten things out. Don’t any of y’all involved are willing to undo the misunderstandings so we can officially part ways?

I'm sorry nobody is speaking up at such a critical time as this ;;

Meh... it’s alright. Far too gone for it to matter anyway

Whelp, didn’t get the reminder email/text and I think the therapy appointment in now, so...

Oh well, $135 dollars down the drain

Therapist called and is sending me the zoom link via email, so is safe from the fee for now

Never mind. Don’t feel like talking to her, so gonna pay the fee and delete my account there afterwards

Come on. Don't do all of this...

You should have talked to your therapist.

She can’t change the past. She can’t give me hope for the future. In the end, it’s up to me and this is the path I’m going to follow

It's not healthy.

Doesn’t matter. I don’t care. No one online or off does, so... /shrug

What about me??

How many times do I have to say that I do care? ;;

Which is why I told you to let me go and be with your friends and loved ones cause I’m hurting you. Also asked all of plurk other than you to prove me wrong, that I’m the opposite of what you say I am. No one responded still.

Please, this is me on my knees begging, just let me be. I don’t want to ‘argue’ with you anymore

;___; why don't you understand that I care??

I refuse to abandon a friend

I guess cause I want others to care about me too... or at the very least be civil with me

I mean, what good am I to you? I can’t join any games with you cause I will just get banned for concerns and whatever. I can’t reply to your plurk cause you’re mostly talking about the game the current mod isn’t comfortable with me joining with Noble Heart(it’s their game and right, so I accepted that. Just I can’t really contribute to your plurks at all-

Even though you have the right to plurk whatever you want)

I’m basically looking out of the window and watching you and your friends play in the playground but can’t join in cause of reasons

I feel like a third wheel and I don’t want to continue feeling like this

I'm not trying to hurt you. You know I'm not ;;

Not saying you are, just wanting you to understand where I’m coming from