all signs point to pursuing a relationship being a good idea for practical purposes but it's tough to go from "this isn't for me so there's no reason for me to change X Y or Z and I can be content" to "I have a lot of work to do". it's not the conclusion I want!
it may very well not do much for me but I'm deluding myself if I think it's not a good idea to at least try. everything I read and hear from other people suggests that the dynamic will encourage way better life/prosperity and self actualization outcomes than the mediocrity I'm currently spiraling towards on my own
I'm not normal but I don't really understand exactly how or why either. like- I haven't used that as an excuse to myself or anything, but there's risk of it becoming a convenient story for myself if I'm really complacent in this area long term. I have no experience, I don't know my own range, there's no sense in holding off on this bc of an unknown unknown
I do worry about if I'm right and I don't really feel romantic love, that nothing develops in me, that it would lead to a weird dynamic where I'm pursuing someone else's companionship just for my own (selfish?) ends? "Don't go into a relationship expecting it to fix you" feels like something people would say, but, from the most uncharitable angle, that is
kind of what I'm describing that I feel like I need to do lol? like I'm not expecting anything in particular I just feel like it is likely to be good for me and that's why I've decided I should probably pursue one. but I can still care about someone and tend to their needs even if there's no special spark on my end right? there's nothing saying I couldn't
Maybe the mysterious forces that made monogamy the winning cultural institution of all the most successful societies of the past several hundred years would cease to work if there wasn't a mutual spark but, again, that's not a reason not to try
And what the hell is love anyway. we don't know how the brain works, what's going on in there. maybe the way we think of it isn't a good model! so what if I can't describe what does or might go on in my head in your language!
I don't really have any plans to act on this in the short term because I feel like I have nothing to offer until I'm at least on track toward something resembling a career but I'm aware the biological clock is ticking. if nothing else I can at least use this as a long term goal as motivation to work on myself maybe?