Guess it was too good to be true. Mods had DMed me and revoked my invite due to concerns and the like..../sigh

Had a feeling it’s going to be like that for other games on Dreamwidth, so is there really a point for me to bother at all?

Don’t really know how to feel to be honest. Maybe it’s just a sign for me to leave dreamwidth or something...

This sucks.

Maybe I am a big time wanker, the worst of the worst, the irredeemable one. I guess people really do hate me and are unwilling to forgive. It’s not fair...

Just to check something... seems like I’m banned from rpanons too, least a while ago.

I don’t understand... if I’m really that bad a person, why won’t anyone come to me so that I can actually do something about it? Throwing ban hammers isn’t helping me at all, but only making me feel even worse than I already am...

Well... I dmed a mod with the (nonexistent) hope that they can tell me in detail about my behavior that’s causing all these bans and folks ignoring me so I can do something about it

You know what? Whether I get a reply from the mod or not, it doesn’t matter anymore. If folks hate me, block me, and ignore me, that’s their choice. It don’t expect me to not hate and not forgive myself if no one else does.

Would’ve canceled my therapy appointment, but it’s less than 48 hours which means I can’t cancel it without paying a $135 fee.

Just gonna deal with it Wednesday and just shut everyone off afterward. No one really cares about me so I’m not going to care about me either

I was able to let out my feelings and everything else to a very kind person, which prevented me from doing any monetary damage for now. Still debating whether the therapy session Tuesday will be mu last one for the umpteeth time. Was able to cancel psychiatrist appointment and not sure to reapply once again.

Have enough meds to last a month though, but it’s pointless cause it doesn’t change anything. I gave this example ro my older sis what I mean when I say that:

You know on my 600lb life, the patients think that surgery will make it right again. Antidepressants are the same to me - it’s a bandaid of sorts, but it doesn’t solve the root problem

Which is why weight loss patients have trouble after surgery cause that doesn’t deal with the emotional stuff that got them overweight in the first place.

Anyways, im going to log off of plurk and dreamwidth, eat some comfort food and hopefully find some good fanfiction to read

Couldn’t find good famfiction to read(usually YGO. Not much interest otherwise) and CC couldn’t eat much comfort food cause I’m sad and hurting inside. Gonna sleep it off and brace myself for the morning. Not looking forward to it at all