really need 2025 to not be a stressful trash fire on a personal level but boy is it not looking like easy breezy no stress 😑

and I really really need this progression of my mom's back/hip/leg pain and issues to stop constantly reminding me of before she had her neck surgery

it's notably affecting her mobility and keeps getting worse and ughhhhh do not want an anxiety attack for the holidays

I keep randomly thinking of the night when the neck issue was affecting her so bad she had to drag herself to the steps because she couldn't walk. and that is definitely not helping my background stress

as if my high school years had needed anything else and that particular night was just. not a good one. for any of us

just

/screams into the void

sigh

her vision has gotten a little worse too and it's only been a year or two since the cataract surgeries 😑

there is just too damn much uncertainty in my near future and I hate it. especially the shit that is entirely out of my control

which granted has been the story of my life but fuck, hasn't it been enough

and I hate when I can tell when it's bothering her and she's inwardly freaking a bit. which I probably would be too because it's not like surgery can stop degenerative stuff. just attempt to stabilize

I don't see how there's any way to avoid surgery when the hardware has failed and there's literally screws loose, digging into places they shouldn't (hence the hip and leg pain, numbness, fun stuff)

and just. I need to stop this train of thought before I'm stress crying and I can't do that when she'll be back from the store any minute

it just sucks. and I hate it. this is not what I signed up for, not that living a decade+ with an alcoholic was, but I just have to deal with it

nothing like hearing something fall or get dropped and hurrying upstairs in case she fell, and feeling like the last 18+ months are never going to end

she only dropped her pill container and thankfully they all didn't go everywhere, but ughhhhh

I'm just going to curl up in bed and cry and try to sleep because what even is the point

I'm so idek anymore.

/hugs you so, so much