Hey crispy kale...you are my new best friend!!

Mark Wahlberg as The Crow... April Fools or SNL skit?

I am at Jo-Ann Fabrics on a Friday night. Where do I surrender my testicles and do I get a receipt?

When the string breaks off my teabag I yell at it and call it a weakling.

FACT: kittehs hate printers. LITTLE KNOWN FACT: they especially hate duplexed printing.

Oh god. Got energy drink in my eye. X-Ray vision?

Just the tip o' the mornin' to you!

Letting my bro flag fly. FOOT! BALL! FOOT! BALL!

Bloody Mary + Twix ice cream bar = Breakfast of Champions

Sipping Courvoisier on a peer in Wisconsin. Fish ain't bitin'.