The more upset Fox News gets over the weather, the less it rains. Maybe if one of them throws a chair, the tornado will go away.

During blizzards/tornadoes, I'm always tempted to order a pizza and then go "Naw, I'm just kiddin'." I'm kinda a jerk that way.

Fox Chicago has just informed me that I'm having severe weather. As if the collection of lawn furniture in my yard was not a clue.

Would it be really terrible to make some popcorn? I know, I know, impending death, but I'd rather die with a full stomach.

32,000 homes without power. NIPSCO is pissing themselves with fear at all those irate phone calls.

Have distracted husband from impending death via offending him by referring to him as Dudley Do-Right.

This 'waiting for tornado' is really interfering with my dinner-making and not-dying plans for tonight.

NO, Dudley Do-Right, you don't get to leave to go check on everyone else! My husband = idealistic ass.

If the wind blows patio furniture in my yard, and it's better than mine, I can keep it, right?

If I die from tornado, remember me as I lived: smug, antisocial, vulgar and non-deceased.