I discovered that if I make fierce faces, wave my hands around and make kung fu movie sound effects it really captures people's attention.

People keep bugging me to exercise. I get enough workout just by pushing my luck.

"unthinkable"... the Titanic as seen by someone with a lisp.

I want to give that idiot a piece of my mind but I'm afraid I won't have enough left.

All my life I've wondered what Hostess Twinkies taste like and what the big deal about it is. Today I got my chance. So... that's it?

Money can't buy me happiness. But it can get me a nice slab of steak!

I really don't mind the job interviews... it's the @*%!# tests that irritate me!

I never lost my great physique after all these years. In fact I've added significantly to it!

I keep reading about the evils of an excessive lifestyle. That's why I'm giving up reading.

It's one of those days I feel like I'm dragging 3 dead horses up a steep slope through 3 feet of mud.