There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. Henny Youngman ping.fm/qkSWs

The problem is not that people are taxed too little, the problem is that government spends too much. Ronald Reagan ping.fm/iJtn4

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman ping.fm/RH3yH

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would steal them away. Ronald Reagan ping.fm/8Pfmt

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. Henny Youngman ping.fm/pS4KW

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. Henny Youngman ping.fm/7LwnE

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Henny Youngman ping.fm/NPpXw

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. Henny Youngman ping.fm/grLgD

One way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it. Ronald Reagan ping.fm/AJPyZ

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' Henny Youngman ping.fm/KZmgf