the girl in byakkoya in honor (derogatory) of the paprika soundtrack being removed from both spotify and tidal fsr. streaming rights must have gotten fucky

anyway with the extra energy i had from work not totally kicking my ass, i finally trimmed poor misty (my younger venus flytrap)

she was very healthy and had a LOT of traps when i bought her but that means that they all blackened at the same time so she looked pretty horrendous bc there were so many i couldn't even get down into the terrarium to trim them 😭

i had to take her out of the terrarium which was more difficult than expected but i finally got her tidied up. she looks very bare now but much better. i am hoping she is not succumbing

she's got a big stalk in the middle that looks like pretty recent growth so i think she's okay but we shall see

this also makes me realize i need to name my kalanchoe, i didn't name her bc i thought i had killed her not long into having her but she has recovered remarkably so she needs a name LOL

i should check in with my plant-sitter and see how miss check and carmen are doing... hopefully soon we can meet up and i can get them back wjhelfgjdskg

i rly became a plant person through wild circumstance

being given a tomato at the beginning of the pandemic and then being gifted a million plants from the floral department at my old store changed my brain chemistry

man. i want a tomato again. maybe this year i will attempt to keep a porch tomato

tomatoes good

tomatoes good. tangible rewards for successfully taking care of a thing also good

i didn't get nearly as many tomatoes from tomakito as i could have bc he had blossom rot (which was not my fault, it was a bad year for tomatoes where i lived) but the ones i did get were so tasty and so satisfying...

ganba misty i believe in you

it would also be way easier for me to take care of a tomato now bc a) i know better what i'm doing and what to prepare for and b) i wouldn't have to wake up at shit o'clock to water bc i'm already up at shit o'clock due to my work schedule MFKLSDGMKH so i could just water it after work most mornings...

ganba misty

i felt so cursed tho. i finally kept the new flytrap alive long enough to name her and within days of naming her, her old traps started to blacken en masse DFJSLKFMKLH

i was like DID I NAME HER AND THEN KILL HER???

(most likely no, venus flytraps go dormant in the winter,)

tackled some of my (clean) laundry mountain with my manic energy but now i feel very unwell ough

i've been having some on and off chest discomfort since new year's which i am trying not to be anxious about bc i feel like it is probably owed to putting substances (caffeine and alcohol) in my body in significant amounts for the first time since i got covid

plant blogging... cute

yeah I would suspect that's a bit of reflux and will probably go down

oof. sorry to hear you've been having some chest pain tho... I hope it goes away soon!!

yeah, i am hoping that's all it is bc like... the only other time i've had chest pain since i got covid was when i went to work on christmas, and that was the second day of my period LMFAO

and i would think that if it was just exertion etc that i would have had it when i first went back to work, and i didn't

i did feel like absolute shit my first weekend back at work but i was not having chest pains

really i hesitate to call it PAIN, it's not that bad, but i am noticing it

REGARDLESS I AM HOPING IT IS NOTHING SERIOUS i will try to stay off the caffeine for a few days and see if that helps

genuinely if you started drinking coffee again after a while that may very well be it

I looked it up and chest pain is a very common and benign symptom after getting covid!

you and roomie both having it points to that

this seems to be the times when you should seek medical attention for it

yeah i basically had no caffeine at all while i was out of work sick and that was about two weeks, and i haven't had more than like... an occasional tea or soda since i first went back to work BUT i had multiple shots of espresso last night bc i was so tired and i had an alcoholic drink on NYE

and both of those substances mess with bloodflow. which can mess with the lungs in turn bc blood gotta go to the lungs

I AM JUST TRYING TO RATIONALIZE TO MYSELF in short: would not surprise me if substance consumption triggered this

thank you friends... it is easy to fall into the anxiety hole with a symptom like chest discomfort so i appreciate the outside voices of reason LOL

oh yeah that def sounds like a body beingh like "what the hell is this you put in me" LMAO

YEAH and my CON score has absolutely gone down since i've been sick so LMFAO 💀

hopefully it will build back up soon, it's rough recovering from that ;;

yeah, my strength is approaching normal bc I've had to lift so much at work, but my stamina has been a lot slower to improve bc I don't do as much cardio at work and I haven't had energy/motivation to do it outside of that...

I've been considering trying to take morning walks to help with it but. difficult when it's so dark and cold when I get home and I have no one to walk with

its so fucking hard to exercise regularly w no body double/buddy

rests my hand over your hand. let me tell u a secret. when i was diagnosed with gerd it was because i thought i was deadass having a heart attack but it was Just Bad Reflux. what you are describing absolutely sounds like reflux being as anxiety-provoking as possible.

omfg

I AM SORRY THAT HAPPENED but it is reassuring information to have thank u

I settled down to sleep before my shift and then ofc had to pee so while I was up I made myself eat and prep dark lunch and take my fiber and brush my teeth even though I really wanted to do none of these things

hopefully I have made an adequate sacrifice to the flesh vessel to get it to calm down before I have to go to work smdh

you are powerful... be at peace, flesh vessel

Be at peace flesh vessel... be at peace...

work last night was AWFUL

tonight is more chill but I accidentally spent all day at my partner's place after impulsively bringing over breakfast so i am exhausted

i wish i knew what i did to prompt the cold behavior from my team lead at work... i have no desperate need to be liked by all of my coworkers but it's a little more discomforting when the impression of dislike is coming from your direct boss

she's not even MEAN to me really so i might just be reading too much into it but she is much less friendly to me than the other folks in the department and she mostly only talks to me to criticize what i'm doing... sighs

i have been trying not to let it bother me too much but it still feels bad despite my efforts LMFAO

anyway. i had big ambitions to use the residual post-lunch caffeine rush to work on getting the UA7 archfey warlock stuff functioning, or drawing, but now that i've been sitting for a bit all the motivation has drained out of me

the behavior you're describing from your team lead kind of sounds like somebody who is just personality incompatible with you on a basic level and doesn't know how to be professionally courteous despite that. the vast majority of people I have worked with in my life are people I wouldn't ordinarily be buddies with but it is still necessary to treat them well

then again I only have this description to go off of so maybe I'm wrong? idk it sounds extremely annoying and shitty regardless

obvs it's a little hard for me to explain her demeanor/the situation objectively bc i am having this feeling that she doesn't like me specifically LOL but yeah maybe we are just incompatible. it's weird though bc it wasn't like that when i first started working at this store, she was very friendly and welcoming and went out of her way to learn about me

so the change is just like... what did i do to wear that out LMFAO?

idk if this applicable here but. I have kind of had a work experience like that before lol

back when I worked at the nursing home, the other ladies in the kitchen were very Hot and Cold

in that sometimes they adored me and sometimes I was the Bane Of Their Existence and suddenly they all got very chilly

6_6 ugh that's so dumb and frankly immature

i'm sorry silvie IT'S A VERY FRUSTRATING EXPERIENCE

like i said i am trying not to let it bother me too much, esp since i know the other TL really likes me and the department manager (Everyone's Boss) said in my annual review that i've been a great addition to the team

but. annoying when my TL is the only one scheduled and i am subject to her weird hot and cold behavior all night

it genuinely is!! it's like. ok gamer how would you like me to behave tonight. are you gonna pretend to be my friend or act like I don't know what I'm doing

these gals once had an extended four month tantrum about spaghetti LOL

bruh LOL

it was so silly. I won't distract from your plurk with that story but it really was so baffling

that's so long........ who has the energy

anyway like. the best thing I can say is just try to take it in stride, which I know is easier said than done, but I really don't think you are doing anything wrong here

some people just get weird about stuff at work and either aren't familiar with/haven't practiced the skill of being polite to people even when they don't click. or just don't care

*don't click with

sometimes she will be nice if the mood takes her and sometimes she will be sour. it's not your fault this TL is behaving this way. a lot of the time I find it boils down to if you are "new" (airquotes bc if someone is a longterm employee, you can be "new" basically forever, until someone else comes on) you are somehow at the bottom of the social hierarchy.

yeah, i was the new one for a while but we got two new hires a couple months ago and i actually think it wasn't long after that that the TL started to get cold with me, so i'm wondering if it's that she's frustrated that i'm not improving or learning as quickly as the two newer dudes LMFAO

SIGH................. exhausting

it's almost like different people... have different outputs or something...

which. they're both young strong guys so i'm just never going to be as fast as them. so if that's the problem then o well HAHAHA

yeah like (?!?!?!?!)

WHO KNOWS

anyway unrelated to my sighing about my TL, god i wish the dndbeyond builder wasn't such a pain in the ass

today's distraction from fighting with dndbeyond's builder is accidentally learning about a chinese far-right cult

which one

falun dafa*

* i know it's complicated bc it's also a legitimately persecuted dissident group but it is definitely also a cult FMSDLKMKH

ah yes you went down the shen yun hole huh LMAO

yes i finally googled that weird charm that the lady outside the zoo gave me

oh yeah they're a very...everyone sucks here situation

spent the night at my partner's place and we had a very nice dinner but had to have kind of an un-fun conversation about some living habits i can't really deal with if they want me to stay over there a lot, and then i kind of had to rush myself home before the winter storm got too bad... things are okay but i'm still pretty weary and sad

and i miss them

and i really don't want to have to go to work tonight instead of spending time w them

work was a nightmare bc 3/4 of our delivery was late and there was a LOT and i was in an aisle where i literally couldn't do anything bc nothing i needed was on the one single truck that got there on time

and also my TL got after me again for stupid bullshit

she was trying to use the power jack to move a pallet full of stuff to the space where an empty pallet was, but i was standing on the empty pallet, and so she was trying to tell me to get out of the way

but. i was standing on the empty pallet. because i was holding up a LEANING TOWER OF BOXES UP on an adjacent pallet to keep it from falling over completely while the rest of the team unloaded the loose boxes

even our manager was like "[cee] was holding up the boxes, they were falling" and my TL was just kind of like "oh"

begging for one night where this woman does not assume i am just the stupidest person on the planet

work wasn't too bad tonight and my TL didn't needlessly give me a hard time about anything but I've also had a headache on and off for about 3 hours ough

I need to put gas in my car but there's a cold wind rn so I think I will wait until it is not dark as fuck and hopefully it will be less biting

i feel this so much

too often in the winter have i had to make the decision. how cold do I want it to be when I put gas in the car. yuck

IT SUCKS LOL

unfortunately now it's raining and we have flood warnings and I heard a boom of thunder so loud that it shook the house so . I think. I will procure gasoline tomorrow WJENFNSNGS

LMFAO YEAH stay inside

that's a before work chore

I have to be doubly cautious bc I've bout a 20-30 highway drive between work & home lol

OH NO... stay safe 😭

but this time of year it's dark when I leave and dark when I get back so if I have to get gas on a work day, it's cold no matter what lmfao

(that being said I do aim for the afternoon hours vs. morning. even if it's dark it's a bit warmer than the morning!)

yeah I'm lucky that my store is literally right next to a not-shady gas station because working 11p-5a is just. it's Always Dark, Forever

and I do like not being mugged while I get gas

yeah.................... yeah

only just occurred to me that my headache is probably not dehydration but my sinuses being absolutely furious about this massive storm

which means there is not much I can do for it but nap and hope some painkillers have any efficacy at all

oof... sinuses please be nice to cee

they will never. my head holes are so fucked up

through the power of hyperfixation I have finished my reread of the hunger games series

my fuckign stomach hurts so bad and I have so much to do at work!!! oguh

I should get up and feed myself and call my dad but the sleep debt siren still calls to me

finishing the apartment today took way longer than anticipated and ran up against a prior social obligation so im at partner's for the night without my overnight bag and i feel like absolute shit

i just wanted to go home and rest and be done with this so I could have my brain real estate for myself again but now I am not gonna have a night to myself until thursday

and I have work tomorrow

i'm so sorry cee. want you to be home and rested. :c

thank you... im disproportionately upset but I just hit my fucking limit

you've just been getting hammered nonstop, you have every right to be upset as you are.

it's just too much.

straight up I feel like I haven't gotten to actually rest since I got covid near the beginning of December

crying brought back my covid cough. cool

i wouldnt blame you if you hit your limit from today alone, let alone everything else in play i'm so sorry hon. i hope you can find a way to get some peace, quiet and rest in there somewhere

thank you hon have not rly managed it today and I've been in a pretty bad hole and unfortunately I have a few things I need to take care of after work

but. hopefully before d&d

I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate

i had to drive home on icy roads and my chest still hurts from the anxiety it never ends

tonight in d&d i very badly failed a sleight of hand roll to pocket food from a buffet, but kalmiya is such a freak that she filled an entire pocket with banana pudding and the bouncer decided that having a pocket full of pudding was enough of a punishment

so she got away with it. and walked away with pockets of pudding, nuggies, AND tots

you know what i think the bouncer was right there

the bouncer would have been right under most circumstances, you are correct

but kalmiya longwillow is a freak who doesn't care about her clothes smelling like pudding, and also has prestidigitation which can be used to clean soiled clothes

so there are basically no meaningful consequences to filling one of her pockets with pudding.

oh i love that. good for her

i was mostly thinking about like. well what if you forgot you had pudding in your pocket. and just stuck your hand there

splorch

splorch!

i was thinking the consequences were wearing that type of material and having the pudding slowly soak through to my skin personally

she also wears gloves. and put her hand in her pudding pocket on purpose to bullshit the bouncer about having done it in a confused drunken stupor. so it's fine probably

once again, you would be right in normal circumstances

but most of Kalmiya's food pockets are in her outer layers JNGNJNVNSMF

also lbr she midori and ernest probably ate all the pudding on the way back to the hare bnb

oh okay

then i hope they enjoyed their pudding LMAO

u fuckin know it

kalmiya slipping everyone pocket tots before bedtime

tummy hurts and im sad for unknown reasons

worried about going to work tonight... the sun is melting a lot of snow rn but im worried it's just going to become ice by the time i need to go in

safely made it to and from work but we're supposed to get more snow on Friday, when I am scheduled again

I am anticipating needing to call out bc the main roads were basically fine but our neighborhood was still pretty icy even after all the sun we got yesterday, and that's gonna be a million times worse if the sun doesn't finish melting and drying it today

and I live in street parking hell so if I lose control of my car I'm absolutely hitting another car

and part-time retail don't pay me enough for that

every part of the road that was shoveled or plowed is COVERED in slush which is definitely going to be ice by the time I would have to go to work (and if not then, absolutely by the time I have to come home) so ya girl is calling out tonight they don't pay me enough to risk it

I mostly cleared off my car just in case we need a car over the weekend but. for now I soak my weary peets and listen to GDQ

maintaining relationships with other humans is so hard and tiring

dude, real

you're right tho

im right!!!

the rewards of being loved rule but the mortifying ideal of being known... exhausting

when ppl know you then they Know you and See you. fucked up

SO FUCKED UP

and you have to like, communicate. regularly. in THIS economy?

how on earth are you supposed to do that when you blink and 3 weeks have gone by

bruh fuckin mood af

unsustainable!

the depression is so fucking bad dude sighs

CW emeto came over to my partner's place on monday and was gonna go home ytd but my period started and the pain was so bad i puked so i'm still here... dreading going to work tonight

don't feel as bad today but certainly don't feel good, lads

got put in two of the heaviest (literal) aisles in the store and my organs spent a huge chunk of that shift revolting in protest

absolutely terrible time to end up back in the pet aisle after literal months

i still got all the live done bc i am powerful and full of spite for this horrible flesh sack but jesus god I feel horrendous

uuuugh

aw man, i'm sorry dude glad you made it through despite that

idk when you were planning to go to the gyno next, but i think it would definitely be worth bringing up how bad your periods are when you're there ... there may be a way to not suffer like that

literally have just been waiting on my tax forms to come in so i can send them to verify my income for my healthcare eligibility application, and they finally came so I am going to try to have that sorted by the end of the month so I can begin going to doctors again

they were never this bad when I was on birth control so I would like to go back on it and preferably have milder periods less often ☠️

honestly it hasn't been this bad in months but they get pretty horrific when I've been under a large amount of stress for a long period of time (my periods the first couple of months after I moved out from my dad's place were some of the worst I've ever had), so I am pretty sure that is what happened here

oh good, i hope you can get back on it soon then!

stress do be makin periods wonky and horrible u_u

tummy was less of a problem at work tonight but my head is KILLING me

presumably bc it's suddenly 60 degrees and raining and I was working in the frozen section for the first time after finishing my assigned aisle

my head did NOT enjoy the temperature fluctuations

more signs of depresso bad: i have so many messages sitting that i need to answer and i just Cannot

weirdly nauseous and off-balance last night which has continued into today, i am wondering if i'm having a rare episode of vertigo

my dad gets these real bad much more often than me but it has happened to me occasionally in the past... ough

was rly anxious about d&d and it was a very emotionally intense session tackling something i've kinda been dreading for a while, and my brain spent most of my shift at work eating itself thinking about how on earth i'm going to swing the resulting negative chardev so that it isn't fucking miserable to play for the next indefinite amount of time

at least i get to see my partner tomorrow (today)

have been in an absolutely miserable headspace for trying to socialize online which is why i have not but i am going to try to get back to some messages after work tonight i think

incredibly sorry if any of those messages are yours depresso bad