blessing. rad

anyway idk man. i was thinking about it in the car as i was sitting in the parking lot resisting state change after work

this year didn't feel good. i feel like i have done nothing but struggle with the overwhelming and constant instability of home, situation, finances etc

i've been away from my family for a year and a half now and it's not any easier. it's been that long since i've seen my mom and a year since i've seen my dad and it's really hard to be the one in the household with the least experience as an independent adult and yet also the least access to my family

but being geographically closer to them wouldn't be any easier and it wouldn't make me any happier and it frankly isn't even feasible, so. hard pills to swallow

the first half of 2023 and the second half also don't even feel like the same year or even the same decade

bc i moved again halfway through the year and it was just as hard and miserable as my other moves were, again for perfectly preventable reasons

and both of my moves before this one were to places intended to be transitional spaces so it's been incredibly hard to convince my brain that i'm actually allowed to settle in this place. i still have so many packed boxes, and my mental state re: housing isn't the only reason, but it's a big part of why i feel no motivation to unpack

and make this space more mine

bc i'm still stuck in a state of "i won't be here for long so it's pointless"

and the space not feeling very organized or personal is obviously not great for my general mental state. also i just haven't been making enough money to afford the storage space i need to properly unpack a lot of my shit lol

higher state taxes are really fucking me in that regard

my new position at the company i work for has also been more physically taxing than i expected. i think the overnight schedule has been much better for my circadian rhythm and my brain in general (for the most part), and i'm much less emotionally drained not having to do customer service all the time

but i feel like i'm in pretty much constant physical discomfort despite trying my best to build good locomotive habits at work

and i still don't feel like i'm good at this job or will ever like/fit in with my coworkers as much as i did at my old store and department

i have been holding a lot of bitterness about the fact that most of my social circle has WFH jobs that they are comfortable in and at least mostly content with while my fucked up mental health rendered me unable to function as an independent adult until much later in my life. i have been doing my utmost not to take that out on anyone bc it's no one's fault

but i do feel it and it has been quite overwhelming at times. so i think once my partner is more settled and the last of their move-out process is done in a few weeks, i am going to try to more seriously pursue different sources of income that are easier on my body

a full-time WFH job that fits my needs seems pretty unrealistic for my qualifications but that is the ideal. but i am also considering part-time WFH and commissions so maybe i could at least reduce my overnight hours

i do honestly like my overnight job for the most part so it would be cool to not have to quit. but i don't think it's sustainable for my body in the long-term at the hours i've been working, and i haven't even been making enough money to do more than tread water lol

like...i'm not in dire financial straits so i count my blessings there, but i am one emergency away from being so, and i haven't been able to build up my savings at all since we moved. and that's also not sustainable for a lot of reasons

also i need healthcare. having covid fucking sucked and having it uninsured sucked even harder so whether it be through an employer or the marketplace or medicaid, i need to get health insurance lol

AND I CLOSED OUT THE YEAR BY GETTING COVID AFTER AVOIDING IT FOR 4 YEARS likely because our landlord brought it in when he came in to fix our bathroom so that really feels like the cherry on the shit sundae of my mental state in 2023

that all said. a lot of good things happened too

like i said, i do like my new job even if it isn't really sustainable for me in the long-term. it's a lot easier to sleep and make myself get out of bed when i'm not forcing my nocturnal system to wake up at 7 or 8am just to drive at peak traffic times and cater to maniacs who need hundreds of dollars' worth of white flowers for weddings or whatever

and despite my struggles with settling into this new place properly, it has been much better for me to a) have a space of my own with a door i can close and lock properly* and b) live somewhere that i can use the communal spaces without having to disturb my roommates too much at odd hours bc i felt like a constant nuisance even just existing in the old place

* except in the summer bc it gets so miserably hot upstairs and closing the door makes it a million times worse. so that's a big problem that i am still trying to brainstorm solutions to. but overall the space is way better for me

it's not ideal but it's better

and my name is actually on the lease for this place so i will have rental history that i can refer to in the future, which was a huge source of stress in the rental hunting process for this past move

i got my first real credit card too so i am building an actual credit history. i was able to skate through most of the rental applications on a baby's first pseudo-credit card that i had for a few months, but that company didn't report to all the credit bureaus so there were some pretty noticeable gaps.

i do not particularly like having a credit card but unfortunately i do have to participate in capitalism to exist so it is better that i have one. plus if i ever do have a huge emergency, it is good that i can put any financial consequences on the card instead of having to immediately decimate my savings account all in one go

i went to therapy this year too. it was only a short-term treatment program and my therapist's approach to counseling was not the one that i think i need in the long term, but it was invaluable to have at the time that i had it and it did make me much more aware of some unhealthy behavior patterns i have

and how much my anxiety and depression actually permeate pretty much every emotion i experience

so i'm glad i did it. i think i made important progress in being more aware of how i experience emotion and how my cocktail of mental illness causes me to minimize and censor myself for the sake of not upsetting others, even when it is unfair to me.

and i've been trying to change those self-destructive behavior patterns and approach relevant situations in a way that is healthier for me since i became more conscious of that

i would really like to resume mental health treatment as soon as i get my insurance situation figured out bc i would like to continue improving and would also desperately like to experience properly regulated emotion LMFAO

i also started dating someone seriously for the first time in literally 10 years

it has been pretty crazy for a lot of reasons. before this i had only had one serious relationship and i was quite young (not worryingly young to be clear but i was 19, my brain had not finished cooking LMFAO) so it's really surreal to even be in one and i feel . underqualified, which is an insane way to feel about romance but JMFLKDSMKLH

they are also not the kind of person i imagined dating for a host of reasons. and there are still a lot of things they need to work on which could be troublesome for our relationship if they don't

BUT...we have talked about most of those things already. and we were very close friends for years before we got involved romantically. and i trust them and i'm more comfortable with them than with 98% of other people. and i love them very much and i always feel like things will be okay with them no matter what

and like. i have pretty bad anxiety. i never feel like anything is going to be okay FMDSLKGMKLH

i am a little overwhelmed sometimes by how well it's going and how much they care about me bc, haha, depression??? and i'm a little overwhelmed sometimes by the amount of talk i have already experienced about us eventually getting married/moving in together bc that's just a lot for me to process when i'm still not even used to being in a relationship

(not us talking about it but other people)

so it's been a weird adjustment with its own struggles but it's also been really really nice

the mortifying ordeal of being known sucks but the rewards of being loved rule

they actually moved this past weekend to our area (not only bc of me, their old location was no longer financially feasible and they were considering moving to MD before we got involved) and it has been a difficult process but i am already at so much more ease knowing they are just 15min away instead of nearly 2 hours and an agonizing trip through I-95

i will feel more relaxed and happier about it once things have been finalized at their old place; unfortunately there's still a little bit of packing and cleaning that needs to be done this weekend and then the weekend after that they have to go back and return the keys and i have agreed to come along for both of these things

bc i love them and want to support them. but it is not exactly going to be fun for me LOL

i also anticipate being quite involved in the unpacking and cleaning process of their new place bc again, I Love Them And Want To Support Them and they also have health issues (both physical and mental) that make big chore tasks like that pretty difficult for them to do on their own

and i don't want them living in a cramped dusty box palace for months, nor do i want to be subjected to a cramped dusty box palace when i stay over MFDLKSMGFKLGH

so. some difficulties but it is worth it to have them so much closer to me

so the relationship thing has been pretty great overall

i also got to spend thanksgiving, christmas, and new year's with them since neither of us could visit our families this year. and i still pretty much hate the holiday season but it made me feel a lot better about it to get to spend those days with them

so hopefully this time of year will get easier for me if i have them

i'm not gonna call them resolutions bc that feels like setting myself up for disappointment, but some things i would like to make progress on in 2024 are:

- better job/income situation, whatever form that may take
- health issues (mostly mental, some physical); incl professional treatment and daily life improvements
- art commissions specifically; i want to work on consistency of my art in general but that's vague and lofty and easy to let myself down on so LOL
- personalizing and organizing my living space

oh i've been trying to get back into consuming media i'm interested in too. i've had some success with that in 2023 between being able to listen to podcasts at work and pretty consistently having dates with my partner to watch/play stuff together so i want to continue in that vein

bc leisure time is enriching and enjoying/analyzing media helps to inspire me creatively too??? WHAT A CONCEPT

and i've just been too depressed to do it much the past few years lol

so continuing the list

- consume media i've been meaning to get around to
- maybe finally get back into journal RP. i've been missing it a lot lately and struggles with some of my TTRPG environments have left a bit of a hole of RP fulfillment for me, plus with my almost fully-nocturnal schedule i don't have as many opportunities to interact socially with new people anymore

and i do like meeting new folks and it's good not to put all of your social needs eggs in one basket, which. mine have been for the majority of the pandemic time so i think it would be good for me to diversify my social spaces a little again

i am actually hoping i can TDM at Silent Spring this month to get a feel for if i have the time and energy to commit to this desire... i intended to last month but then i got fucking covid so LMFAO

anyway. i guess, in summary, the good outweighed the bad of this year, even if the bad is what i have felt more acutely

it might be the first year since 2016 that i've felt like it hasn't been a continuing decline from the year and years previous? i am pretty sure in every year in review since then, i have described it as the worst year of my life (and not hyperbolically), and i wouldn't say that this year even though the hard parts were really, really hard

so. hopefully 2024 will be even better! who knows. i will do my best to try and make it better at least

i know we haven't talked a ton this year but I love you and I'm proud of you for weathering all of this with as much grace is humanly possible. I hope this year continues the trend of improvement and you're able to find something less difficult for your body especially.

I... am sorry you have had people talking a lot about you moving in with and marrying your partner ?__? I feel like that would stress me out so much KEMSMMDB like aaaaa. so I also hope that is. less. it sounds like you are doing a really good job being mindful about the future but also enjoying Right Now which is the best way to be

you deserve the best things only

if you ever wanna psl or anything too lmk, I am not in games rn but I am always down for psl stuff

and I miss your face

thank you anne i love u as always i appreciate your kindness and consideration!! i've missed you tbh but i think my ability to reach out socially dwindled quite a lot with the massive amount of change i underwent the past year 💀💀💀 so i would like to work on that this coming year too

IT IS A LITTLE STRESSFUL but i'm not mad about it or anything. my partner and i have good chemistry and have known each other long enough that i think people just feel like we've been dating a lot longer than we actually have fjsdklgmkh

plus most of our social circle has been in committed relationships long enough that THEY'RE thinking about or have already done those things so there may be some unintentional assumptions re: life stages there. i have been trying to gently tell ppl to knock it off when it comes up

anyway i would love to PSL sometime i've been thinking about dusting off sayori and have occasionally eyed the stuff still in her inbox... and i want to set up kalmiya's journal too since i have OC brainrot so

points at eyes points at u

yeah it completely doesn't sound like it's coming from a bad place, it just sounds like one of those things that would hit me in a weirdly powerful anxiety zone. but I also get just like. ppl thinking you feel like a married couple regardless bc you know each other so well dkdmsm

I would love sayori OR kalmiya tbh... I love writing w ppls OCs and I've wanted to do a bit of the same although I'm a nervous baby abt my OCs smh

I completely have had the same issue this past year re reaching out socially so I'm like. I get u. everything just happened so fucking much in 2023 I feel like everyone was hanging on by the skin of their teeth to keep from being flung off the ride

reaching out? in this economy?

but I'm really glad to hear that in spite of all the rough spots there was a net gain for you this year, cee. GOOD THINGS FOR CEE

also I will commission you

yeah the part of me that is horrified about commitment and responsibility is just like AAAAAAAAAAA sometimes abt the relationship comments HAHAHA but folks will get the picture. it's just another little thing that has made adjusting to not being single kind of weird for me LOL

it is a big adjustment in a lot of ways. it's like. wow this is great I feel so emotionally fulfilled and affirmed but also: help what's happening jsjdjs

I WILL ALSO COMMISSION U I forgot to say

i will protect anne OCs in my musebox or wherever u feel most comfortable threading with them if you want!! i've also been a little nervous about the prospect. but also i love my OCs and want them to have the unique development opportunities that panfandom RP offers? and i have a lot of anxiety but social anxiety not so much so i will make it happen

THANK YOU ORLY THANK YOU ANNE i'm excited to draw for u guys i can ping y'all when i get them open if you'd want!!

I would love that yes please

yes please!

and I'd love to musebox OCs I have a journal for malice and all of my icons ARE just amy ray for which I do NOT apologize

kalmiya would flatten malice

i have made a to-ping list for commissions so that it is extant somewhere besides my brain

kalmiya would flatten most folks but man. that's such a staggering CHA difference

they would create a CHA black hole

Good things for Cee!! Also I definitely want to thread with your sayori I have many soft muses also monika and natsuki still

i've been mostly playing all my fucked up weirdo OCs since i took my hiatus from journal RP that part of me is like "do i even remember how to play sayori" but i know if i canon reviewed a little it would come back to me JMFDSLKMGH

my sweet sad sunshine girl...