there are far more of you than I’d like, and my barometer for whether that number is normal or not is a bit skewed by mental illness and trauma.

I’ll try to brief, which I’m not good at, but here goes: I’ve likely been diagnosed with many more things since I knew you - ex: Bipolar 2, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, sleep apnea - and I’m fighting the American healthcare system to get treatment.

treatment for any number of these things could drastically improve the quality of my life. I just have to keep fighting.

I won’t make excuses for however and whenever I hurt you. I may not have fully been in control of myself, but the behavior and words and actions were still mine, so I bear responsibility and consequence both. the latter, losing you, is far more painful. sometimes traumatic.

however long ago it was and for whatever much it’s worth: I’m so sorry. to Pana, to Di, to Leah, to Raquel, to Robin and Eliot and Ana, to Naki, to Katie, to Hope, and I don’t know or remember who else…

I’m sorry. I still love you, even if the feeling is muted w/ pain & distance & time

to Jack, my soulmate and the love of my life: I’m sorry. so sorry. but I’m also so, so grateful. your final email answered questions that I’ve been asking for years. I got the diagnosis of BPD. it’s not a happy thing, but a good thing. there’s effective treatment.

I can’t undo how I destroyed our relationship when I wasn’t in my right mind, but I can do everything within my power to not harm someone like that again. so I’m going to a mental health residential treatment center for a few months. it’s by the beach. you’d hate it.

I don’t know who I’ll be when I come back out, but I hope that I’ll have the tools to not repeat what I did to you. I still love you, and I always will.

to all of you: I hope that you’re healthy and happy and safe. I hope that you’re successful, however that looks to you.

I won’t ask any of you to forgive me, Jack least of all. I accept that forgiveness may not be possible for some of you, though considering I hurt some of you in the 2000s, I hope that the hurt has dulled over time.

my greatest wish is that you heal from whatever harms I inflicted.

please be happy, be healthy, be safe. may you linger more on the beauty of the world and its people than the ugliness.

and if you ever want to talk, I’m not hard to find.

with all of my love,
Sammy