we've been hoping that this might help get around some big blocks that I just not have made much progress on and hoo boy

since my eye-brain connection seems waaaaay strong we were like maybe this would click

and I think it super did

it was a frickin rollercoaster of emotion, but I feel calmer than I have in a good few weeks holy cow

dang, that's awesome!

yeah it was crazy

I was of course worried that I wouldn't respond or have a reaction to it but

or that my poor enteroception and emotion-identifying skills would be a hinderance

but not only was I able to notice a bunch of changes as we went, along.... I IDENTIFIED TWO EMOTIONS. LIKE REALLY CLEARLY.

just boop the names were in my head on the first try and I was like holy shit that IS what that feeling is

while still feeling it

--also hilariously, I thought I'd be really talky during it, but she found out quickly when she tried to check in and ask how I was doing and I

got half a word?? like I had the distinct thought "okay, well. that wasn't even a whole word. I still don't know what the rest of that word is, but I know whatever it was it didn't make it out the mouth-hole."

so she was like lol nevermind you dont need to talk

whatever part of my brain was being engaged, it was not where my shitty hand-assembly line for language is kept

v interesting

it was super interesting!

we basically picked a topic that I was really really struggling with and havent been able to make progress on lately with just talk therapy, and then pay attention to how I was feeling in my body about it

and then you know how you look in different directions when you're thinking or talking about things, your eyes are kind of following where the focus in your brain is going... and I guess it can kind of work in reverse

she had me move my eyes around and pay attention to how I was feeling.. and sure enough, there was a direction that happened to be close to where I look when I'm thinking about it where my physical feelings of anxiety and stuff felt more activated

and the short version is she had me hang out there and let my brain work. and it was crazy how it literally did feel like I opened the computer program on that topic and let the program fully run instead of getting cycling or getting stuck like it usually does

I felt myself go through two big venting cycles of emotions and stuff, like my subconscious background processes forced to sit with the feeling until it worked all the way through it

so I'm super curious to see if I have vivid dreams or something after this while my brain continues working through shit

and to see if this topic causes me the same kind of visceral distress by next week