[rl/rp update - mh/mute @ will] hey everyone - I'm sorry for not being around, for not being active in rp or any other way.
as some of you might have already seen or known at the beginning of the month, i was struggling with my mental health. we watched the barbie movie and it... dragged up some very specific trauma re: my mother i cut off ties with in 2020
as some of you might have already seen or known at the beginning of the month, i was struggling with my mental health. we watched the barbie movie and it... dragged up some very specific trauma re: my mother i cut off ties with in 2020
the short version is this: i knew the movie delved into some existential topics.
i definitely cried a few times through it but overall had a good time. then, "what was i made for" played again in the credits
i definitely cried a few times through it but overall had a good time. then, "what was i made for" played again in the credits
we were chatting about all sorts of things about alan and scratch and scratch's identity crisis at ryslig about who he is without being a copy of alan wake and laughing a bit about how a song from the barbie movie was on scratch's playlist considering he's an evil weirdo
and then, as i thought about this, i remembered the reason my mother had told me she had me
she wanted children she could play with and dress up like dolls a boy and a girl each, ideally. when my grandparents took my older brother and sister to care for most of the time because they thought my mother was unfit to care for her children. so, she sabotaged condoms and all other sorts of devices one uses to prevent pregnancy b/c my father didn't want
to have more kids. she had my second older brother, and me.
i first came out as trans to my mother when i was 8. the way she went around discouraging and manipulating me to convince me not to think about it anymore was extreme. she made all of the choices about how I looked and dressed until i started to become more defiant and fighting back for my own agency.
my extended family all told me that i was an awful child and person for this.
when i came out again, she tried to discourage me again, saying things like "but i was so pretty, i was so good at being a girl"
the thought that i had only been born, been made to be a doll, a toy for others' amusement hurt, because in a way it's true.
and before all of this, i was struggling a lot with my sense of self-worth. the idea that my value as a person only stems from the entertainment and pleasure i can give others. so.
you can imagine how being faced with both thoughts... made things worse for me
you can imagine how being faced with both thoughts... made things worse for me
I've been trying to work past all of this and have the courage to come back, to keep things going and return, and I've struggled
fear got in my way
fear got in my way
ironically... watching vin play through Alan Wake 2 has helped, a little. I can't say much about it because it's spoilers but
You can't get out of The Dark Place alone... is the most vague way I can put it.
I'm... scared of asking people for help, for people to talk to and listen when I'm hurting, because i hurt a lot, so much, in a way that sometimes feels near constant and I know that it's hard to be around someone who seems negative all the time. so when i start feeling this way, I retreat away from people. i know i shouldn't, but I do.
anyway.
yeah
yeah
that's all of that
i don't want to do it, but aside from boomeranging something for AC, I might need to discuss handwaving and dropping old threads and starting with a clean slate for 
going into November
going into November
hugs glad to see you're back! i can relate - not the specific trauma, but movies triggering some buried stuff (Frozen 2 did a number on me)
for some quick threads for AC, Mayas Meet n Greet Network post might be a good option. Sigruds one there too and I got plenty of time Captcha Check
ty 
yeah, as I've been catching up with plurks, i saw that was a thing so I'm thinking about tagging into it
yeah, as I've been catching up with plurks, i saw that was a thing so I'm thinking about tagging into it
Heeey, good to see you back!
thanks!
can u @ me on this post later bc i have something to say other than im so sorry youre going through this
sure, yeah. and ty for the sentiment as well
ty i just don't wanna lose it
I'm sorry the movie brought up hard associations for you but thank you for sharing and I hope we can help you get back into a place that's healthy and good
thank you 💕
I'm so sorry you went through all that. You shouldn't have had to, and it's genuinely hard to reach out for help you've been trained not to expect. Glad the game is giving you a better message.
ty, i appreciate the sentiment very much
also idk how much of later is an appropriate amount of later but here is an @ as requested ARCHlVlSTE
okay thank u I'm gonna take a second to gather my thoughts but tl Dr i read what you said about your mother and not only am I horrified, I kinda hope she self combusts
I'm not 100% certain I can in any way compare (and I'm not!) but like I understand you so so deeply because recently my situation with my mother has been just as aggressively "expectant", like, the only relationship I have with her is essentially her asking me for things & money, all leading to violent behavior when I say no
reading the pain you expressed here made me feel far less alone than I did before, and I admire you having been able to cut off your mother the way you did, that takes serious balls
im just sorry something that wasn't meant to be harmful, dredged it up so bad
thank you. yeah, my mother has never been violent in a physical manner but the level to which she has been emotionally abusive and manipulative to myself and other members of my family has been extreme. eventually I just couldn't forgive her behavior anymore, and apparently from what I've heard from my siblings she has had a wild downward spiral
(she's become super religion-obsessed and is convinced the rapture is real and sent everyone in the family, including me and my partner, bibles for xmas last year. even after i cut ties with her, or maybe especially because i did, idk)
but in any case, thank you for the sentiment, and i'm also sorry that you've gone through it with your own relationship with yours. I'm glad that you feel less alone though
that's important to remember for us all when things get dark
absolutely, i just wanted to extend you a hand of companionship and support
ty <3
"Uses control over other people to self-regulate => they escape => dramatic downward spiral and escalation of scary behavior" is such a hard thing to have to survive from anyone, not to mention a primary caretaker.
They try to drag everyone else into the dark place they're hiding in and hoard them there as a shield against the feeling of having to process other people as other main characters and not their dedicated NPCs.
It's painful and sad and awful and guilt about it is one of the tools used to pull people back in.
Cutting off ties can be the only healthy thing to do.
nods, for sure. i was reflecting on it all the other day with vin and was like "damn, i really think i was the voice of reason in my mother's life since i ended up the only person not afraid to give her a reality check, b/c she really started to go off the deep when i moved away and then even more when i cut her off"
which like, as her child, i should not have had to be that
yep
one of my therapists was like "sounds like you were the actual parent in your situation" and i was like "whoa what" and after that i started to realize just how much she had messed me up lol
mine also nosedived into isolation and paranoia when her kids became independent enough to have other things in her life
*their lives
she couldn't develop regular peer relationships
which is what she should have done as an adult
oh yeah, that's always been a major issue she's had. she'd try to make friends, something would happen, and then she'd place all the blame on the other person, and start putting all of the emotional burden on me again
instead of the "safer" feeling of dumping everything into the parent-child relationship in which she the held the power
...same
it feels so bad and I'm so sorry she's been like that to you
thank you <3 i am sending the sentiment right back to you
<333
it's hard to break out of that example of retreating away from peer relationships, especially with the added feeling of having had your needs trivialized by the person who should have been the safest, but you're worlds ahead of her just in the fact that you know it's okay to reach out, even when it doesn't feel like it
you're good, you're accepted, you're wanted, you're loved
and we're glad you're here 
💞