Just really doing bad mentally

In pain and woke up pouring sweat from that and all I could think at first is now isn't the time and that I need to tough it out

Getting this "want to just not exist for a moment" feeling pretty strong

Not... unlife stuff just

god I'm tired

there's nowhere to just take a break and we can't find my xanax and mom keeps lying to me and so many family hate me

it's been super rough

and sometimes family happens to be full of assholes unfortunately

mom keeps jumping up without saying anything to go do random nonsense stuff or to go to the bathroom and I'm exhausted and in pain so chasing her down and having to stay alert is... too much

I am physically and mentally not okay enough to stay on the alert to jump up but I'm the only one who thinks to

actual nurses are just.... rarely around now and I haven't really slept in going on 3 days I think?

I think it'll be 3rd day soon yeah.... lmao

I'm seeing stuff now and losing track of train of thought so idk what is gonna happen to me at this rate

I don't know if you saw it on your other plurk but please take time for you and to take care of yourself. You can't take care of mom if you aren't well enough yourself. You can DM me if you need to.

thanks

yeah, I'm here as much as I can be. hell if you want you can sleep in the car and I'll stay here

i know it's hard to tell since i get up so little but i could not physically get to the car lol

there is a reason i don't.... get up

Ugh, that's rough. You should not be responsible for looking after your mom while she's literally in the hospital.

i only didn't fall earlier bc there are handrails in the bathroom and i nearly had to pull the corr

cord...

yeah one of the fucking nurses just was like

to my mom

"yeah if you need the bathroom next time I'll leave it to one of them "

without

.....

talking to me

me, her child, with possible Parkinson's, as I've SAID...

What the fuck

That is literally your job.

Err. The nurse, not you.

I guess we're volunteers now

literally told them I'm not physically well

I'd love to know what they plan on doing if you had to leave.

The hell you are. They need to step up and you need to rest before they end up having to admit you, too.

yeah I wish some of this place didn't seem to have the assumption that family = caretaker

Maybe it's time to find the number for a patient advocate?

Or whatever the service is called in that hospital.

They're gonna have me pulling the cord yeah

i might call her case worker to see if she can guide me through making it clear that I AM next of kin, but I am DISABLED...

I'm trying to do the best I can but yeah I'm also hitting the seeing things level

Whatever you need to do to not have to do their jobs, I encourage it. Seeing things bad.

and yeah you're not even blood this shouldn't fall on you just bc I can't jump up constantly

but yeah took them over 10 minutes multiple times to get in here when her bed alarm was going off

what if she'd really fallen.......

yeah............

i know she is a lot to deal with bc she has the mental capacity of a child in some areas but jfc

still their responsibility to do their best

God, I fucking hate that. Too many times I've been in the hospital and pressed the call button because something like my IV line is going off and they're just at the nurse's station talking. WTF

So yes. it's their responsibility. That's why they get paid more than Vet Assistants (like 10x more) Still bitter even though I'm not in the industry anymore lol

What the actual fuck.

I was already annoyed bc in the ER area there was a lady playing a game on her phone and she seemed SO annoyed bc I was asking for legit things

like... blankets?

and i was asking for help getting her to the bathroom lol

her like

"well someone is already headed that way!"

me: i... didn't see them?

her: they're headed that way

there was nobody in the hallway and we were in a room nearby and I was on little sleep heh

but was thrown off by the attitude ifwndnw but my god

like after that the nurses were great just. occasionally shitty moments on top of dealing with the stress and physical challenges got me super down

Honestly just tell them that at the moment, you don't feel safe leaving your mom in their care on her own, but the two of you need rest. So they need to figure it out so you two can leave at least for a few hours.

Yeah if I can just... shove earbuds in and sleep in this chair as long as they all understand that, I might do that

then yeah negl I wanna rest enough to be able to walk around to get a mental break from this

mom asking me questions that reminds me how far gone she is permanently becoming thanks to possible dementia is........ /rubs face

i can put on a good, reassuring act for her for only so long

she already keeps asking if I'm okay

despite how crappy she feels and how much she keeps forgetting stuff, she always has that "my baby isn't okay" radar heh

and my emotions stretched too thin for that

okay took something for stomach acid and waiting on food

I think the second biggest source of stress right now is... money

helping mom with bedbugs and needing to help her with food and having water she can safely drink and... god so many other little things here and there she's needed on top of hospital visit related stuff...

we aren't even gonna have money to get home now

At least if she goes into assisted living, it might help some of that?

and I'm just ready to cry all over again at the thought of needing to ask for money again

I could do it instead if that would make it easier