I have some new people on here so jic any of you are in here, my current RL status is Very Bad bc I found out the one family member I've always felt closest to and has supported me completely since the day I was born went downhill really fast

I'm doing.... better(???) than I was when I first found out, and it helps she's still okay enough to poke around on FB since I get updates mentioning that

She hasn't been well enough to hold a conversation via text and I can't call her bc she struggles to breathe too much but... just seeing occasional comments every other day or her liking someone's picture has been the one thing keeping me together for now

But bc I didn't bring it up before, part of why all of this hit so hard is it happened almost right alongside my sister losing her son bc she just... lost her shit and I didn't mark this for alcohol CW so I won't say more on that

But my baby sister was always the more... stable one of the four of us? So it felt completely out of left field for everyone

But I have severe PTSD over

being ripped from home

And then forced to live with abusive people

And my nephew is currently with a woman (my sisters' aunt - we have different fathers, so it's even easier to not claim her, heh)

who just

Like she... tried to bash my oldest little sister with a large textbook once

She tried to run over my aunt - the one mentioned up top

She tried to hit me bc I didn't adhere to her OCD dishwashing standards

This woman is just. BATSHIT, basically

But bc she managed to declutter her house and Alabama is a mistake in general, she was able to take in my nephew

Who's being forced to sleep in the same bed as her and her husband even though he's MORE than old enough for his own bed

And then there's ... my mom being diagnosed with Parkinson's and me learning from my doctor that I actually do, in fact, show early signs of it

And am on meds for that now

/rubs face

For the record I'm in my! Thirties!

you have a rough time going on

I am gonna be officially tested for it, but the fact that the medicine for my restless legs is legitimately improving all those signs is.... not promising, for me

I wish I could give you a real hug.

leans against you both

you know I'm here for distractions or listening.

It means a lot since tbh today is not looking good, mentally. I woke up from horrible dreams then spent the first 30 minutes fighting flashbacks

hey, i have the unfortunate ability to maybe relate--feel free to message me on disco if you want an ear or to vent. thinking of you and sending you love.

whitespire: That means a lot. I'll shoot you a DM later, maybe once I'm a little calmer since one-on-one convos tend to be harder for me

of course! and no pressure one way or another. just an offer.

Always feel like stupid social anxiety makes communication way too damn hard for my liking I just wanna be able to talk to people kljasdhs

But it means so much whenever one of you guys poke me, just as an FYI. Even when anxiety is bad it just... sometimes just getting a DM from someone, despite feeling too anxious, is enough to help kick over a brain weasel

you know I like to send you all the things. XD

It's hard to admit this, but I get super lonely, esp at night, but reminders that people want to talk to me is usually more than enough

Just an uncool fact about me sldjkds

<3 I do, Xae. TY for being here

I missed you.

I have The Trip coming up and trying not to fixate on how much I hate traveling, but every time I have a trip down to the south, my mind slams through all the bullshit that has happened down there + is happening

I'm gonna add...... dark TWs for murder, prison, and abuse as a heads up

nod

So.... my mom's husband is in prison

he murdered his girlfriend at the time - while still married to my mom, yes

Like mom knew, they were already separated, but mom was still in love with him

But said girlfriend was like a second mom to one of my sisters

So that kind of legitimately and understandably fucked up my middle little sister. So she's still a mess to this day and seeing her always sends me spiraling hard bc

Well.... same hat with death-related PTSD, tbh

Unlike me tho she isn't like. Trying very hard to get help or heal, at all. She deals via some of the habits I had in highschool so!

Yeah... seeing her is gonna be

REALLY rough

But I can't bring myself to just be like

"Well I don't want to see you"

or even just "seeing you would be too hard"

So just one more thing that has me stressing hard over the trip

god, that is fucked up about him. is Rui going to be with you whenever you're with her? maybe that will help

Rui is gonna be there the whole time, yeah

My emotional support person

And I do finally have Xanax so I think that'll be a major help

Xanax is literally why I'm able to type this, I think lkjfhsdf

ok, maybe you both could have some sign that you need to leave the room for a moment?

Oh that's a great idea

ruipressed for when she's up for coming in here, makes it easier to get straight to it

yeah, that way you can get away and use that time to try to refocus yourself, talk to her if you need to.

Yeah, good idea. Like... last time I was down there, uh... I ended up shutting down so hard from all the triggers that I rarely left the bedroom and then that led to a HUGE cold war between myself and my sister. She was hurt from not knowing why I was like that, and I wasn't on meds at that time, so

Trying to explain just... couldn't happen

last time I was down there as in, during the time I actually tried sleeping over at that sister's house

Which won't be happening this time, thankfully, assuming something doesn't go horribly wrong and that's the only option we have left...?

yeah, a non-verbal sign would probably be the way to go

if you think you could do that before a full shut down

I will probably make the signal me just. Asking where my medicine is?

Or like. Asking Rui where the medicine is, and then if she can show me

Since tbf if it's getting bad enough for Code Escape, I will just need to take one to calm down

yeah

Oh, reminding me I wanted to update my GFM post and then the boosted Plurk to let donators know the finalized plans

or maybe asking Rui to get drinks if at the hospital

Good one, too. Will see what she thinks would be easiest for her to remember as a signal

cool plurk, getting the e-mail notif for this two hours after i actually got pinged is super helpful

but yes, a code word/phrase for "let's fucking blow this joint for a bit" sounds very helpful

a little difficult for me to focus rn bc of noise buuuut. all these are good. and i can help brainstorm a bit more once it's less chaotic lmao