that sucks like hell, I'm sorry.

thanks, man, it is soms Shit and i'm just. tryna wade through

does not help that i've been living mostly alone in the house where she died ever since, and am rarely more than about 40-50 feet away from where it happened

and also trying to wrangle resentment about the fact that we had the chickens here in the first place, because i loved them but the circumstances she got them in were deeply irresponsible and i've been having to shoulder the burden of taking care of them ever since

Oh that is awful. Hope things turn around for the better soon.

I'm so sorry, that's awful.

thank you guys for the well-wishes, it means a lot 🫂💛

[ pet death, minor-but-AAAAAA foot injury ]

-

fun updates:

a) the day after i posted this, the door i had been keeping shut to keep predators out short-term while waiting for repair-help to arrive came open in the night, so. guess the rehoming won't be necessary. 🥲

and b) yesterday, when i was making initial real headway on major cleaning-up to haul myself out of the worst of the depressive slump in time for the anniversary, i stepped on a rusty nail hidden in the grass while taking out a gross trash bag that was attracting gnats and ants. lmfao

thankfully i'm okay so far, the wound was in a meaty bit + doesn't seem deep and i cleaned and bandaged it right away, it doesn't even hurt much, but uh yeah that got delayed to today lmao. this is part of a very, very long pattern of the universe swiftly retaliating against me anytime i start to pick myself up and make real progress and i knew it was coming

i also was a hundred percent sure in my gut, for a long time, that all of the chickens would be dead somehow by the anniversary of my mom's death, and i was right. i have an eerie premonition for predicting this kind of thing even when i did not see how it happened coming, and even when it's the universe's worst brick joke

which like. does not bode well At All for the absolute dead-certain terror i felt as soon as i first walked back into this house a year and a half ago that i'm going to die here! but! oh well!

anyway this is a Lot but fuck it it's the anniversary and i am spending today cleaning up, if a random truck drives off the road and crashes into our house and kills me while i'm sweeping the living room then at least i'll be doing something to make myself happier when it gets it the hell over with

died doing what he loved: spiting the universe by listening to my tunes and picking out a coffee treat during my grocery run while it throws a screaming babyfit on the floor of walmart because i didn't take off my mask to say hello

(i don't wear earbuds while i'm shopping because i need to be aware of my surroundings, but it's the vibe)