I'm....not looking forward to it per se

but I'm going to grab dinner with Sean who is picking me up from the airport

it'll be nice to see him, circumstances aside

I'll be glad to meet rose irl and michelle

I'll be glad to see Eleni as well

I am sincerely concerned about pana's mom

I am sincerely concerned about everyone listed above but pana's mom worries me most

I am packing all 3 travel tissue packs

I am not prepared for how much crying I will be doing

....shit I should pack ibuprofen speaking of

the way I'm pulling this off is doing a red eye Wednesday into Thursday and basically going right to work

I'm sorry I can't make it but am hoping to be on the stream and to maybe attend in Chicago in June(?)

skeletone: no need to apologize. and the 40 days ceremony is mid May I believe

i'll be thinking of you all tomorrow

try to think of all the funny stories you're going to tell tomorrow about her, and keep those close

ah services are on Wednesday. tomorrow I just get in

thank you though ❤️

Love you lots, and so glad you'll have Michelle there too for support. I'll be there on the stream but I hope dearly you're all able to grieve as much as you need to.

yeah her mom is...I have concerns

I hope there is a way to get her the support she needs and limit the damage she causes to those around her in her grief

ah my flight is half hour delayed already

which is annoying

because it's already gonna be late when I get in

Hope I can freaking sleep for a nap on the flight

how you doing leah?

I hope you can get some rest on the flight.

heatherberry: a mess lol

Heather you were in a picture during the slideshow

it was a really beautiful service

it really was

It was a stunning service.

it was, I fucking lost it multiple times

I hope I wasn't visible idk the camera angle

I was also crying a few times over here but no, I so no Losing It on Camera. You're safe <3

But also, tbh, its ok to lose it.

omg thank you for telling me that - I was on a plane and couldn't watch

yeah, it was a beautiful

sean's words were especially something

y'all that was. so hard.

I can't believe I touched pana's casket

just still this utter disbelief

multiple people told me Pana loved me so much and I simultaneously am so glad but also can't bear it

and her mom told me she was so proud of my work as a doctor

fuck. I'm on the plane as it's taxiing and just. tears streaming down my face

I win the prize for reddest eyes on this plane

Sending you a lot of love.

Phew. I hate this but. I still don't feel better. I don't feel a sense of closure

it might take a long time, friend

if our grief is the love we can't give that person, i know you must be feeling a lot of it right now

and you know, it wouldn't be unquestionable to talk to someone professional about this sort of personal grief

she was far more than just a friend to you

I think....at some point I might want to write what would amount to my own eulogy for her

I couldn't do it at the funeral. I don't regret it

but I almost feel bad like. did people expect me to be together enough to say something?

I was awake far too long last night thinking about it

Sean had told me the day before that if I wanted to speak, I would be able to but

I even told him I don't think I could

I'd need... a lot longer than that to really get one together

I was in no state to do it then. I think I'm worse off now

Now that I'm separated physically from all the people who loved her as intensely as I did

I'm also now second guessing what I put in the memory book. There's no way for words thought up in that much time to encapsulate what she was to me and what I hope I was to her

anyway I'm really looking forward to chicago so I can see people again, including Rose and Eleni hopefully

and just spend some fun time together with other people who pana loved dearly

it would also be SO NICE if I could get through ONE DAY without crying

would those of us who never met her in person be welcome in Chicago, or is that staying smaller, because it's much much easier for me to get to than LA but I absolutely do not want to intrude considering what Sean was willing to open up to rp friends already.