Like I said before, I want to make this place not only as a record for my negativity, but also a place to note down all the little things worth being grateful for.

As per my last entry... problem solved and yea we made it official.

I used to be very insecure if the other person is not texting me back like immediately. I’d be paranoid and start overthinking. But now I understand that that’s the personal space we should give to each other. The other person is not intentionally ignoring you

Imagine when you’re hanging out with fds and your fds keep staring at their phones, you’d feel being disrespected. If we are constantly on our phone we are not enjoying the moment. Such a waste.

Anyway, I want to note down all the little things he’s done that made me feel loved.
He called me almost every day since I was hospitalised and that lasted for almost a month until I felt better and he could almost visit once a week.

He would wake up earlier and get me bubble tea and lunch during weekend.

Since I’m pretty disabled now, it’s hard to carry my phone around the house when my hands are holding my crutches. So I mentioned once in our call casually saying it’s convenient to have a phone strap. And one day he bought the strap and went all the way to my home and dropped it to my mailbox.

I went out for concert and he just came and took me home.

He remembered I told him I like the shark toy from ikea (which I totally forgot I’ve mentioned before) and then he said he’ll see if there’s any stock left when he’s free.

He would whine about his job, mention all the little things in his day to day life, tell me where he’s going or what did he do

Who will share these things if it isn’t love?

But I’m not only grateful because of what he did. Last year, I was lost and in doubt. I didn’t where i was heading to... actually I didn’t really know who I was and I was always in the vicious cycle of self-loathing. I felt like I didn’t deserve love, and I hated myself for ruining everything.

After meeting him, I found something valuable... something worth putting effort to protect and grow together. Because I don’t want to mess up anymore, I started to reflect on myself, and how to look at life and people around me.

When we meet someone for a long time, like childhood friends, family or partner, we tend to take things for granted. Then we start wanting more and never satisfied. Or we’ll start comparing things one another. And we may want to ‘change’ the other person to fit in our idea of perfect partner.

I think that’s why relationships- not only the romantic one, but also friendship, fails.

Before we met, we’ve already had our way of living, and our own past. Despite of what magazines or social media tell you what a good fd/ bf should be, there’s no ‘should be’.

NOTHING, I say NOTHING, is supposed to be done. Every action they make is the extra effort they are willing to pay for their love for you. It’s not illegal if they don’t buy you flowers or fancy restaurants. It’s not against the bible or whatnot if they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day or whatever festivals with you.

And I do realize maybe it’s a cultural thing? I don’t see people saying thank yous or complimenting each other a lot. But a hug, a thank you, a simple gesture or ‘I love you’, means a lot. Life is tough and tiring and I want to give the people I love a bit of sweetness.

There’re few lessons I learnt, and I wanna practice.

First, always be grateful. For all my friends, for how they stayed with me when I was down, depressed because of break-ups. How they wiped my tears and loved me when I felt unlovable.

Second, be generous to people you love. Not materially, but mentally(?)
Tell them you love them, and you thank them for doing different things, complimenting for their achievements and encouraging them.

Third, learn to process your own negativity. No matter how close that person with you... no one should be your emotional dumpster. It’s our own responsibility to understand our own emotion and process it, not to add burden to our loved one.

I feel like I know myself better, moreover know who I want to become better. Confident, caring, mature, is someone I want to become.
I think that’s the positive effect of knowing him.

And
There’s no guarantee, if it’s gonna last. You know that old saying, nothing last forever... or change is the only constant.
I just hope there won’t be any regret, for all the time we spend together.