I’ve been doing better recently. Even though sometimes I still fall into the downward spiral of self doubt and anxiety, the episode doesn’t occur that often. I feel more at peace right now.

I’m trying to get myself ready to be in a new relationship with a new person. But at the same time, sometimes, I feel insecure. Maybe because he texts less or he doesn’t reply to me for hours or the way he texts ‘change’, or he doesn’t do anything.
Or I’m afraid of his past is actually a sign of his incapability to sustain a stable relationship

But he can say the same thing to me as well. But we couldn’t change whatever happen in the past. The only thing counts is we admit our mistakes and we start working on ourselves so we wont repeat the same mistakes again.

So instead of judging him because of his past, I should look for the things he’s been doing. Not even the things he didn’t do or say, but the way he treats me. Look for facts, not over interpretations the little things.

And actually he’s been honest and open with me. And he’s willing to share his life, every little bit. The small details and casual stuff. No one will do that to someone they are not interested.
He’s willing to spend time with me, asking me out, being patient.

If he’s being honest with me, I think I’ll need to be honest with him as well.
A healthy relationship between two mature adults should be about open communication. I’ve tried to sort things out by myself and try to ‘change myself’ to adapt and it didn’t turn out well. It won’t be a sustainable relationship if either one of us fear to talk about our feelings

So now I have concerns and bad feelings inside my head, and I start to feel insecure. Instead of guessing why he did that or why he didn’t, and then blame him for the reason I made up in my head. I should just voice out my feeling tell him this is what you doing or not doing, the result is me feeling in this way

Maybe it’s all in my head and my insecurity is driving me crazy. Or if he really have anything on his mind, I’ll never know if I never ask. It’s better to sort things out earlier than wait till it’s too late. I treasure the time we spent together and I value this person. So I want to make effort to make it work.

I always look back and reflect my action. The lessons learnt is how immature I was, and how I should be afterwards. Talked with a fd who’s battling with anxiety, and it’s inspiring (as always)

There’re a lot of things in life we can’t control. We can’t even control our emotion. No matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ a deal is, sometimes we’d just flooded with the emotion. And there’s nothing right or wrong about it. Suppress it or deny it is unhealthy.

What we can do is to let it flow through us. Understand where it comes from, and establish a protocol to tackle it. Not to run away from it, but to face it.
To be healthy, we should be able to work with our ourselves and learn how to take care of ourselves

Admit that we all have fragility and seek help when things get out of hand. Seeking help for the sake our getting better is not shameful. It’s self care and meaning that you’re being responsible with yourself.

Haha I was planning to note down the good stuff but now it becomes like a therapy notes or something but never mind haha

I think I’m doing better. Maybe because I want to be healthier mentally so as to make it work.
Another friend also inspired me a lot, with her attitude towards relationship

Couples can get divorced after getting married. I broke up after 6 years while everyone thought him and I were meant together. There will be accidents and all the unexpected changes happening over and over again until the day you die. If we keep worrying about the things that haven’t happened and ignore what’s going on in the moment, it’ll be such a waste

So the point is have fun while it lasts. As long as both of us enjoy the time we have together, and we get to understand ourselves a bit more, and gets better then that’s all that matter. Don’t leave scars and regrets.
Most importantly, enjoy the ride.

C’est la vie