I keep switching from being numb/working on autopilot to having it all hit me at once and I'm crying and struggling to breathe. I can't keep this up

I just keep finding things that remind me of all the plans I had to spend time with her in my new apartment this year. the couch she was going to sew new cushion covers for is still in storage, the room that was going to be my living room/art studio still totally empty. except for the easel that I was going to use when we painted together.

I hid all my posca markers away because the last time I visited to paint with her she saw them and wanted her own so I ordered some for her. I only gave them to her like a month before she got covid, while she was going to the hospital for tests, so I don't know if she ever used them or opened them.

There's a digital sketch of a tree she drew in my Procreate app the last time I went over to paint with her on her balcony looking out at the farm. We weren't in the mood for getting the paints out that day so we played around with digital art on my iPad instead

then there's the total loneliness of people not getting it when I say that my aunt died, because apparently people are like "oh okay she was just an aunt"??? I don't know, but in any case I have no desire to explain my whole family history to make them understand that she was more a parent to me than anyone ever was, because that won't help me anyway

She was so healthy and full of life, she took such good care of herself and her health, I really could have sworn I'd have her for at least 20 more years...

I just hate that everyone expects me to be normal rn, like I had a friend call to tell me about her engagement and I really congratulated her with as much enthusiasm as I could muster and she was like "are you not happy for me?"...like?? I told you what happened a week ago sorry that I'm not screaming crying tears of joy rn?? I did the best that could

I'm part time teaching a few online classes at this school rn and this was the principal's response to the news. I know I didn't make it sound like a big deal but not even a simple standard "my condolences"? nothing?