FIRST OF ALL, MERRY XMAS

second of all, my dad, to recap, who i love dearly, is declining and prolly gonna die in 5y, which will totally spiral my moms life outta control emotionally and financially etc

that’s the fun stuff

this part is to warn you that the tw is there for a reason

mom is a Drunk- my whole life etc

after sobbing to her about how i’m worried about helping cuz i have no money (cuz i wasn’t set up for success....)

my mom admitted something through the convo somehow that was. deeply. DEEPLY disturbing

i’m still processing it cuz i’m sad about my dad dying but....

so my parents found out i was queer cuz they found out i was fucking my Best Friend when she came over, Somehow. mom confronted me being like y’all were real loud, dad heard? so i came clean, tho i remember being puzzled cuz we were careful to be quiet

i dated her 13-16

i was homeless cuz home went into foreclosure at 14

i was Found Out mysteriously when i was at our home i grew up in, at 13

mom was like.... you know what really fucked me up

your dad...

drilled a hole.

to your bedroom wall.

when u got w cory (my ex)

and dumbfounded, though harrowingly realizing, i asked “what do you.. mean”

and she was like... some perverted voyeur shit i guess. he watched you guys. that’s how he found out

i’m so. absolutely shell shocked. i want to rip off my skin

i’m devastated my dad is dying and now i resent every kind thing he’s said to me

i’m flipping.

rrhrhgggghghg I do not have anything sufficient to say to all that except jesus christ that is a messed up situation to have to deal with on all levels

oh my god i'm so sorry. that's such a terrible bomb to drop on you and to leave you to even try to unpack

It's almost 3am I'm screaming inside?????

what's in fuck's name... MY skin is crawling!

you just don't do that

ok i’ve calmed down. i got my period this morning so i think my emotions were already spiky and then i got That information so i already feel a little calmer but i’m still. um. disturbed

definitely feel awkward in this chili’s now

all very that, yes

yeah

I really do hope things get better for you

is definitely the actual mood rn i’m just. ??????

i’ll be fine. i think. i’m just not looking forward to chewing on this indefinitely

it's such HAUNTING KNOWLEDGE

some good luck would be appreciated tho i’ve been on a bad luck streak cuz i was too lucky and too happy for too long lol

that’s a GREAT... way to put it. yeah

and like my dad is so... cognitively impaired now it’s not like i can ask. aside from that being a harrowing task in gen. and i don’t wanna ask my mom too many more details cuz i’m sure she’d also like to think about that as little as possible but i’m also like why the FUCK!! did you stay w him after that

she is pretty dependent on him for a lot of shit but i have no idea how you get around that one as a spouse and a mother. like.. ok. ???? ok mom

I don't know if I would be capable of it if I were her

I'd feel way too skeeved out

cuz even if it’s just about him wantin to watch cory which is disgusting for me to say i HOPE so cuz that means the alternative is i was part of the. show. in terms of enjoyability.

right??? that is your TEENAGE CHILD he is spying on with his weird secret wall hole???

or teenage child's teen friend

it’s like. if it was just about cory then it’s still like. you were watching a 14yo girl all the same

either way, fucked up

yeah it doesn't matter

yeah. like. i’m also worried cuz my mom found out but like. when. and also

i’m worried if my dad is like. fuckin attracted to me if i was part of that act??? and also?

that hole was still there when cory wasn’t????

y. yeah

did he ever watch me when i was ALONE?

even if a parent drilled a hole to spy on their child in the privacy of their own room that's overstepping bounds and a good way to lose a child's trust

I mean even if it were just that

^^^

yeah definitely i mea like

privacy in my opinion is a fundamental right

there's not a point at which it isn't freaky as hell

i asked my mom why he drilled the hole when cory started coming around and maybe it was clear we were gay

cuz i was like maybe he was like i don’t trust these dykes

whatever

but my mom was like i don’t know. like a weird voyeur thing i guess

so i guess i should consider she could be wrong but this is why i gotta ask her more questions

did she at least make him stop??

yeah

good...

she made him fill it and was furious w him for months but. idk. weird

at least there's that but. still, jesus

I can understand not wanting to tell your child that

yeah

but it's hard

my friend sean was like i really don’t think she should have even told you that.

like it could have fucked you up even harder then

and i was like better to know than to not. but then i thought about it and i think i’m wrong and sean’s right LOL..

like ... i can’t even talk to him... about it. why did you just put this fucking unresolvable curse on my brain

it's up for you to decide in the end but just. what a fucked scenario. like you know now but also... what can you even do about it, with your dad as he is now

yeah... I was thinking to myself if I were you would I have preferred to have known the truth or live in ignorance of something like that

yeah. that’s my general philosophy tbh but i think in this specific circumstance i’m like. maybe not. lol

and yea exactly

I have a similar situation that isn't as abjectly horrifying and I think I'm glad I was told about it rather than not but... learning about it is always traumatizing

oh sorry i meant my general philosophy IS to know rather than to be mislead

yeah... god i’m still sorry tho. icky

it’s kinda fucked up to say but i would prefer it be literally any other member of my family than my fuckin... dad....

hhhghfhdgsghh

cuz i’m close w him af and now that all feels. tainted. but he’s also dying and i’ve loved him my whole life so it’s not easy and i don’t want him to go lonely and unhappy

but like without knowing his intentions then it’s hard to know how to appropriately... feel.. and to what degree... you

- you. wtf ok phone

sittin outside and having a long think w my tea and chainsmoking.. slept like 4h.. uterus is screaming

merry crisis indeed

hang in there

i am. i do feel pretty ok rn, my brain just feels kind of. sideways

it's going to be complex and you'll deal with it in all its messiness... either way I know you will get through it

this trip has motivated me to get my health right tho. at least there’s that

yeah, understandable. like, just wishing you massive good luck with dealing with it all and hoping the new year is better for you

I'm in your corner and would also be glad to talk to you if you ever need a soundboard for those feelings

i def will, always do. bleegh

thank you guys so much, i appreciate that offer and also your kind words

you're welcome! I obviously can't fix it or make it better but I know having someone listen and offer sympathy can make it a little easier to mull over

definitely, just talkin w folks about it has dialed down brain crisis mode a lot. it was just in the moment that it was really rough

it's a LOT to process

a lot of good stuff has happened too, and there’s some good news. so i’ll do a follow up plurk w the positives as well

prolly when i’m home. or in the airport

i leave tomorrow so at least i was told at the tail end of my trip

glad for the good stuff at least. take care of yourself in the meanwhile, yeah?

definitely!

That is so fucked up and I'm sorry you had to learn about that. I am def on the side of "better to know than to tread on through ignorance/being mislead" but that doesn't make this shit any better

yeah.. like knowing isnt. productive. but the idea of me not knowing makes me just as sick. i guess both are at play in reality

i didn’t know for so long and now i do so i have a taste of both..... i know what i prefer but i also now know i would super resent not knowing

if i found out after? he died i think i’d be way angrier.... somehow... like i was effectively fooled

idk..... god it’s so hard to figure out how i feel. it’s all real muddy

anyway ty dyrk

i’m just. confused. which is rare for me. fhrjfjeh im usually very decisive about my emotions AND thoughts ffs