I decided to go through mom's recipes this morning because I AM COOKING MORE AND I CAN DO THIS

I am sitting here, laughing at some of these poorly written note cards. and missing her.

she had a recipe for black eyed pes....and I will never make them because I always hated black eyed peas....

but I've never actually made Thanksgiving dinner before. she has recipes for a few things...

and it just reminds me that she isn't going to be here for any further holidays. my kids aren't going to get to shrivel their noses at black eyed peas at grandma's house.

she won't be there for any of it. and...it makes me really sad.

most people my age still complain about their parents being a bit overbearing. being worried. you know? people go visit their parents and sit outside the screen window to just chat.

bun's sister face times with her mom every day on the way to work (d a n g e r....she is a danger. but very nice. but also makes me fear for my life when I am in the car with her.)

but...yeah. I have a lot to be grateful for. mom and dad definitely left me and my big brother comfortably, but...id give it all back to have them back.

I hope that doesn't come off as ungrateful. I just...idk. I never get mad at people who focus on money because up until three, almost four years ago, it was all I could focus on, too.

barely scraping by and working all the time. feeling bad that I didn't have money to send gifts to people at the holiday season...

but...looking back, I wish I would have made more time for memory making. for giving my parents hugs. watching more football games together. sitting through mom's insanely descriptive and terrifying crime show sprees.

she would say "Aren't you happy you got an amazing mom like me, and not a crazy homicidal murderer mom like that person got on TV?"

like......mom pls holy smokes.

idk. They're weird memories. the main reason I keep Facebook is because there's one video that I took like...ten years ago. and I can never remember what day it's on and I don't want to miss it

we were jokingly recording something for a friend and my mom and dad were sitting together on their bed saying "I love you and you're always welcome here. we love you so much!!"

God, and it makes me cry. its making me cry right now.

blehh. just...when people say 'be grateful', don't forget to be grateful and show gratitude for the people who brought you to where you are. and everyone has a different relationship with their parents....but family isn't always blood related.

just don't forget to love. my therapist tells me that grief is just love with nowhere to go. give your love a direction. an open field to run in.

I love you guys. happy heckin' monday.

i love you squish

grief is so difficult

and youve come so far

I love you, Squish. I'm so sorry for your grief.

i love you honey. your parents raised someone so amazing. i'm grateful to them and proud of you <3

hugd