gonna do my best to talk around this because i feel like if i'm too specific the two people in question are going to actually take this shit to wank gate to try and drag this out and drag my friends in

but there were two people i had friendships with recently who i had felt relatively close to. one vanished and I was like 'lmao kinda weird but you do you boo' and the other

lmao

i found out that they made an anon post on plurk about me threading with someone else more in the middle of the BLM riots

when i was confiding in her about how stressed and anxious i was. how i was scared for my life, scared for my family, how i had an uncle who was in the middle of some crazy shit because he lives in los angeles

takozu can attest to how much he was in the middle of everything. she lives near him

truth
dtla yo

I'm not going to justify why i threaded with someone else more during that time

Because who the fuck cares

this person took issue with it, they complained about me on a platform they knew i didn't use at the time, and i know for a fact that they flipped the script on a situation they literally put me in the middle of

friend A came to me upset because of something that cropped up. Friend A was feeling that their reactions were over the top and needed help coming back down to earth because we suffer from many of the same disorders and issues

Friend A never brought anyones name into it. their focus was on themselves.

I had a feeling about who the conflict was with, but i decided i was not going to reach out to this other person in question

They solved that issue, made it clear that they felt Friend A was over reacting, they brought their name up specifically and then got really dicey about shit when I called their shit out and essentially said "You were being rude becaus eyou resent this person"

which has become blindingly true because lmao they went and told someone else that I was "yelling at them".

and then after i made my post saying "hey i'm sick of people with more privilege then me complaining to me rn" (AKA not half black, employed, not living on their own and probably living with a partner)... that's when I started to notice them pulling away

call it a fucking victim complex

call it what you fucking want

if you haven't noticed i'm still not on plurk a lot. I'm trying to keep up with RP but it's kinda hard since i basically got bitch slapped in the most underhanded microaggressive way possible by someone who i had a lot of enjoyable threads with

I'm also literally afraid for my life

and I'm afraid for my brother

My cousins.

My uncles.

My aunts.

All my friends of color. All my friends who lost jobs.

I'm afraid because my city was a covid hot spot

because my city couldn't condemn or fire a man who was on record shooting at protestors and calling them bitches

not to mention they grievously injured someone who gave them bias training

Lets not even talk about the fact that literally blocks from where I lived tear gas was been shot into houses. SWAT trucks were patrolling the streets for a few days. and shit was pretty shaky

now you'll note "Naima that's all from june/july COME ON"

cool i'm glad you got over your trauma that quickly

Next time you find out one of your friends who still has their job, lives with their long term partner who they could marry to get health care INCASE they lose their job, who asks you to pull out the emotional labor to walk them through how to ask for mental health help and how to navigate the system, and lives in a house--

And then starts to pull away from you because you simply vocalized "HEY YEAH THATS COOL, BUT I AM IN A WORSE SPOT BECAUSE SYSTEMATICALLY SHITS BUILT THAT WAY" when you are in the middle of a literal traumatizing event that you can't escape for fear of killing your parents, getting infected by the virus yourself, and lmao Also. You can't really run anywhere

because everything is fucking closed

next time you have a friendship fall apart under your nose because of that

you can tell me i'm over reacting

if you think you know who i'm talking about. you probably do. if you wanna talk with me more- i'm pretty sure i've linked everything already

I'm making this plurk to say: I'm sorry. i'm not going to be on plurk. I'm sorry for being disappointing. I'm sorry for being black and just not having the fucking spoons to deal with the caucasity of privileged RPers who are way too fucking old to act like this

I'm sorry i've been difficult and preachy and completely inconsistent

Know i've really wanted to reach out to talk with people more and say "I miss you and I miss talking with you and I wanna show you this stupid shit I'm working on.. hey also can we do a thread or rp???"

but I-- lmao

FUCK ME I'M CRYING

I'M REALLY BEN SOLO Y'ALL

I have been feeling invisible, unworthy, untalented, uncreative, discarded, disposable, and completely like i'm gum on the bottom of someone's shoe.

Objectively i know i'm not these things. and I'm not doing awfully all things considered. but you know

Between me trying to avoid this shit and running head first into it anyway, racism, trump, losing my job, everything

it's not been easy

So parting words. Treat your black friends better

part two: Whenever I come back, if i see anyone in my friendslist has remained friends with the people I have alluded to (and i am 100% positive you will know who i am tlaking about given how small this fucking community is)

I'll be unfriending you immediately

Honestly. both of em are kinda fucking racist and I need to say that with my whole chest

I suffered through enough microaggressive bullshit. I'm done with this shit.

If you want to remain friends with them, if you think i'm exaggerating or lying or being a dramaqueen. Your prerogative and I don't want you to be my friend either tbh. But also know. that's kinda racist

Watch that entire fucking video i linked and memorize it before you argue otherwise

I'll see y'all on november fucking 4th. Unless the cheeto wins. then like who knows. wheneevr I find a space ship to mars

OH OR UNLESS LITERAL CIVIL WAR BREAKS OUT OR SOME WHITE SUPREMACIST SLEEPER CELL WHICH COULD BE HIBERNATING AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE DECIDES TO GO OUT AND JUST SHOOT A TON OF PEOPLE ON THE STREET

which i am like man I long for the day that that sounds like a joke again

treat your black friends fucking better

oh and if you seriously don't actually know how to contact me. discord: nainai#8088. I'm probably online but invisible because it makes my anxiety feel a little better right now to be invisible. I will see your message and I'll try to respond back

and bruh if you don't know about any of that drama shit i just talked about or have no clue i fucking envy you like man how did you just avoid that shit?? lord have mercy i want to go back to that. thats why i stepped away from plurk in the first place

oh and if you read this far and actually heard me out i do appreciate you in totality.

<333 personally i'm rooting for pluto instead of mars (this is me saying hi i read this far and i'm sorry that rp related things added to the fuckfest that is 2020)

Oh and In a fit of adhd let me address "being put into the center by this person" very quickly in a way that will make sense

Friend A will be called Sakura
Person In Question will be called Eriol.

Sakura came to me upset with her own behavior and her own emotions. She felt she was overreacting and needed someone to just vent her emotions to independently of the situation. Instead Sakura wanted to address how she was suffering from serious abandonment issues and she needed someone who understood to talk with her about those feelings

Eriol came to me an hour or so later essentially saying "Um just so you know Sakura may be upset about something that happened"

I know that Eriol had issues with Sakura because of other conversations I had with them when they felt that they were deliberately excluded by Sakura and it was obvious they were angry about how many people Sakura was friends with. Eriol had a right to their feelings in that regard.

So Eriol explained the situation to me in a way that it was fairly obvious that they were seeking my validation and continued to try to get me to either agree that what Sakura did was wrong or to just drop it because they couldn't face the fact that how they responded to the situation was somewhat influenced by resentment and jealousy.

And the fact that their reaction to the situation was to come to me to "tattle" on Sakura for how she handled the situation and also looking for validation vs Sakura coming to me and wanting to air out her own emotions and not looking for validation for how she responded in the situation

Made it fairly clear in hindsight that Eriol had put me in the middle of this conflict to consciously or subconsciously make me "pick a side". Because my being friends with Sakura was unacceptable because they feel inferior to them.

the reason I didn't realize the extent at the time was because I did bluntly call them out and basically said that they were reacting from a place of bad faith and they could have handled the situation in a way that de-escalated the situation more immediately. However they chose their words and actions in a way that it was fairly clear they wanted to hurt -

Sakura.

Eriol pushed back and tried to say that they didn't want to be forced to friend Sakura again and I Had to continually insist I wasn't asking for that. But that they needed to acknowledge the shitty reasoning behind their actions.

They seemed to take it maturely ( ) and accept fault. And they came to me the next day to ask me for the emotional labor of walking them through how to talk with their employer about their mental health issues. And that is actual emotional labor, because at that point they held resentment towards me and it is emotionally taxing--

to have to walk your friends through their depressive thoughts and how to manage them when you are not a health care professional. If you do not think it is, then you are hilarious.

Especially considering I had made it plainly obvious that I was going through a fairly aggressive depressive spell myself since that was fresh off not just being laid off but a job rejection

So i mean. just to make it clear. They put me in the middle, the asked me to perform emotional labor, and then they blew me off and wanted to insist i wasn't a friend and i shouldn't take it personally so you know

I repeat: You remain friends with these people, you do you. Remove me from your life.

if you think i am exaggerating or over reacting or looking far too much into this, examine your own biases. watch the video and leave me.