i never said anything before i left! i didn't tell you guys at all if i was alive or not and i'm really sorry about that, i'm sure you guys were wondering where i went

initially, i was getting really stressed out and rp was a vector for the stress (not the sole vector - the world's been crazy, y'all), so i stopped.

i'd been planning to take a break for a week during the first week of may and i want to emphasize that i did only mean to be away for a week

wb buddy

i was wondering about you

but, uh, inertia stuck my ass outside of rp for a few months (and i have a few excuses for that but nothing that is like... directly relevant or anything that y'all should be worried about)

!!! /hugs on

again, i'm really sorry and i should have checked in much sooner uou

it's okay <3 so good to hear from you tho!

as for concrete tasks, here's a list of things i do want to do in the next few days:

as long as youre doing okay

I hope yo're doing okay now?

it's good to see you!!!

i'm glad you're doing okay

LKJSDF lol y'all.... god y'all are so good, i really appreciate it

omg hello! yes I'm so glad to hear you're ok

!!! I'm glad you're okay! I was thinking about you recently

omg///

um the no frills version: i don't actually know if i'm doing better, but i realized that one stressor that's been building for the past couple of months was the fact that i hadn't checked in or communicated with you guys in ages?

i think i was trying to avoid the problem and that just made things worse so this is me doing some basic problem solving

i'm glad to hear from you dude <333

i have... no idea if this is actually the problem, but i want to see if it's a step in the right direction (and also regardless of my dumbass brain chemistry y'all definitely deserve to know if i'm alive or not)

anyway, action items!

-take stock of my current rp situations and alleviate my load, whether temporarily or permanently
-check in with you guys
-decompress

rp isn't on the list because my anxiety is still pretty bad and i don't think it's a good idea to start any new threads while i'm still figuring out why i'm in such a bad way

i do want to emphasize that rp is great and i do eventually want to pick it back up! i miss y'all omg it might just take a few weeks for me to get resituated and figure out what the fuck went wrong

take however long you need

rp can wait

in the meantime, i'm not really looking for reassurance or anything? i would definitely love to know what's going on with you guys and your threads, but please don't feel the need to reassure me, i'm good

nah dude, that's valid, one step at a time

you guys......................

just tell me what's up and if you need anything specific from me

i'll be available for the next few days to chat about these things! my availability will be regular, but i'm going to have to cut things off short if i need to go to bed uou i'm trying to be a bit firmer about this

absolutely, one step at a time. it's so good to see you around <3 ITN is still check-in only so if you do wanna hold that spot, you can do pop in and check-in, and then sit on it s'more to see if you're still interested in sticking it out

definitely wait and see how yo're feeling. I know it's been a difficult few months, you're not alone in needing to take a step back

god you guys hung the stars AND the moon thank you so much

i will check in tomorrow!! i know that the deadline is very very VERY soon, i just am literally in bed and need to close my eyes for my own sake

you sleep :3 deal with shit in the morning

in the meantime, thank you and good night, see you in the morning

thank you thank you thank you i will be back i swear

get good sleeps

YOU GOT A COUPLE DAYS you'll be fine SLEEP WELL

life happens sometimes, dude. wraps gently around you.

rp can wait for whenever you're ready

have a good sleeps!!!!

mawiiiiiii I'm glad to see you dude!! But yeah absolutely take care of yourself and have a good sleep and we'll be here whenever c: even if you're not up to RP it's always good to see you around (and I was legit just thinking about you yesterday and thinking about how it had been a while and I was hoping we'd hear from you soon so good timing??)

mawiiii i'm glad to hear from you again!!! i'd been thinking on and off about you and wondering how you were doing lately haha, i'm glad that you're managing (or have ideas to manage) that stress. and yeah, it's uh, wild out there, so like. i get it. i hope you get a good rest and take it easy!!

stepping away from rp/plurk is valid if you need it, i'm just glad you're okay

AH...! take care of yrself!

Glad to hear from you mawi...! Missed you a ton. Take care of yourself!

AAAAAAAA attaches myself to your FACE mawi!!!!! it's so good to hear from you!

looking at this plurk through a sheet mask.... warm fuzzies..........

i'm gonna check in at itn pretty soon!! if y'all wanna chat w me i'll be in and out for a few hours and i'll be around to do longer chats in the evening

you guys are great i miss uuuuuu

Glad to hear from you, I was just thinking about you the other day <3

same i def checked your timeline a couple times to be sure I didn’t miss anything

HELLO!!! i'm going to be here for a couple of hours because i made a terrible mistake and took a two hour nap when i meant to be awake this evening

oops well I hope it was a nice nap!

i am patting every single one of your faces individually, you are so patient and loving and i really really really appreciate it

HI GAIL

it was a lovely nap!! i think i may have had a stress dream but it wasn't a nightmare so i think we good

ugh stress dreams

unu it was a little unsettling but fortunately not terribly scary... i don't remember what it was though, and i think it's better that way

i have checked in at itn!! i'm going to be popping in and out of plurk between organizing my spaces feel free to ama, although my answers will probably be "im good" and "i have just been putzing around as well as i can"

i am going to take tonight to sort of... monologue about what people have been telling me and trying to get one (1) duck in a line?

1. i really have been thinking of you guys almost every day, and not in a stress way! definitely in an "oh god i cannot disappear on them again way, i am NOT doing that again"

i'm going to be around! i'm going to be better about telling people when i'm going to be away, but i do do this and it's not at all y'alls fault - i think of you guys fondly, i do

i have problems but i am working on them constantly, or i like to think i do anyway nothing to worry about, y'all are fine

2. i need to keep telling myself that my decision not to put three more games on my plate two months ago was a very good idea!!! like i feel bad for not doing them but mostly because i was very much looking forward to playing in new games with my friends i do have slight shiny new game syndrome, and any step toward not overloading myself is good probs

i don't... think that was the reason why i ended up getting super stressed out, but i will definitely put a pin in the idea that i need to be firmer about my boundaries and not talk myself into fun things i don't have enough hours in the day to do, even if that's... all i can think about when i want a fun thing

tbh two months ago is when Covid Happened so like

literally nobody can blame you for falling off the wagon

if you're still at all interested in cancry its finally officially opening apps in july but if not i completely understand, pls take care of u!!!

.... tbh i am still INTENSELY interested in cancry that's another evaluation on my list of things i need to define my boundaries on, but like, i did make looong term plans to get in there, and i'd still like to

i just need to heavily measure my expectations of what i want to do against what i am factually able to do

and seriously, I had no hard feelings at all about Midpoint :B a LOT of things fell apart, and it's a super casual non-app game ANYWAY so like. it's really little and slow and I am super behind anyhow

gosh i'm glad midpoint survived! you have no idea how much i still think about it like... what if...

gently wraps in a blanket

i am just hype you are around again bc you are one of the coolest ppl i know

covid started in march, didn't it? we're actually near the end of month three, mid month four... god it feels like just yesterday and forever at the same time.............. why is time like this

SLKJDF batty... pats your cheeks so gently

because we're all stuck at home with nothing to help MARK the time and also really stressed out tbh which doesn't help

i ain't no thing but a chicken wing... just struggling along like everyone else

but yeah, Midpoint is still alive. kinda XD I am like a week late with getting the latest round posted

omg it lives... im happy it is but i hope modding isn't too stressful for you or anything

3. speaking about having enough hours in a day - i've been spending a lot of my time like... living life like a person who actually wants to have nice things and so far it's been okay? i've been cleaning up and throwing out a lot of things and making things... like a person who does creative things for a living,... wild i know

what that means for rp is that i'm trying to feel out when and how i might have time for rp in between things i also want to do... semi-professionally and among other hobbies i have, and i think that there might be an ebb and flow as my freelance opportunities and spare time fluctuate

that's something i've been feeling out and i'll probably have a better picture of what that will mean in a few weeks, but for right now i think that will mean... maybe not less rp, but much more scheduled rp uou no more threading past midnight unless it's a very special occasion (or i've planned it)

i've been writing lists of things i want to do and so far it's... a whole lot, and i want to be able to do it all at least to get it out of the way so i'm not thinking about it anymore

(a lot of it is just random art and sewing projects that keep cluttering up my apartment because i always think i'm going to get to them later - i think later is going to have to get upgraded to "now", especially now that i have the time)

one thing i think may help is setting a deadline for a return to rp? i don't think i'm going to set it tonight, but i do have several projects and stuff that i don't know if i'll do if i DON'T have some sort of deadline to hit, and setting the deadline to start doing something that i really, REALLY want to do will help, i think

it's.... an incentive? for me to actually do my tasks?? what a concept

completing projects usually helps me clear mental hard drive space so i can like... focus on other things i should probably learn to multitask

that being said, clearing tasks from my brain motivates me to finish projects, which is good because it's SOMETHING motivating me to do things and also gives me... finished projects... again, what a concept

why am i learning goalsetting so late in life, this is BALLS

this is all very big picture and conceptual and i don't really like spending so long staring at my own navel, so here's where i pivot to things i am going to do tomorrow

(I LEARNED GOALSETTING LATE IN LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD AND I ONLY STARTED MEDICATION LAST YEAR, I NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF )

- crawl back onto social media without actually looking at my timelines because i have realized that i am, like, deliriously happy not knowing what's happening to fandom at large, or any given thing happening at any given moment

(seriously, i'm only on social media because i'm a huge busybody and worried about everyone and i need to stop burdening myself with concern about things i can't change immediately)

mawi i love uuuuu

HEWWO

HEWWO i missed u...........

i missed u too... how are your video game sketches going... i keep trying to make visual novels and i think of u every time.......... and how you're so pro.........

- ummm i should also probably... at least get a list?? of every game on my radar. not to say that i'll app at said games or remove them from the list, but i do want to get those particular ducks in a line so i'm not thinking about them anymore

I MEAN we're doing another jam already after doing the other one but that one released if u want! DOGSTRUCTION DERBY by Vulture Party, RainbowCemetery

and we're still.... pecking away at the others........

i am doing my best,

OMG... that was so much fun...

i had a little trouble with the camera but that was 100% because i was playing on my ipad and i only figured out the controls halfway through the round

fortunately i had my keyboard hooked up what good doggos...

it was honestly pretty slick and i'm always so amazed that you do such cool shit jawsome....

- i do also admit that i got into like three new fandoms (??? stories?? what do you call consuming media joyfully without participating in the wider culture around it) while i was gone and now i have like. so many characters i'd like to play. so i need to KILL THEM

(i can't play them at a proper game, full stop, but they're in my headspace now and i need to figure out how to peacefully let go of them or at least make sure they stay in one off threads and museboxes )

i think the list needs to stop there... i need to make room for doing other things... live a balanced lifestyle....................... bake some chicken or some shit

oh also i have been drawing obsessively but finishing nothing so that's both good and bad i should probably put them somewhere but i can never get a feel for how finished something has to be for me to feel okay with posting them,... but that's an evaluation for another time

i think that's... it for tonight if you guys want, please tell me what you've been up to for the past couple of months! anything important or even not important, just let me get a feel for how you've been

YEAH SORRY ABOUT THE CAMERA rainbow is still new to 3D stuff so he's slowly getting the hang of it but but we mades dogys for u....

god "what do you call it when you consume and enjoy media but don't engage with the fandom" what a MOOD

that's such a healthy way to do it tho, fandom can be such a stressful curse

ecojak THEY WERE GOOD DOGS!!! and honestly the camera reminded me of how i would use the camera in the first kh game so it was no trouble once it clicked

i had fun and y'all should be proud of yourselves, i had a fun time and i think i got in a bork or two

CaptainPlanette LIKE I... LISTENED TO A COUPLE OF FICTION PODCASTS?? and finished watching a playthrough of a short horror video game, and continued playing a longer rpg, and i made fanart and stuff, but i'm like.... happy to read a bit of fanfiction and enjoy the fanart, i don't know if i want Conversation with anyone but people i already know

that's the true definition of fandom tbh

i'm very occupied with the idea of Making My Own Comic so the idea of trying to engage someone else in a conversation about something we both like is both very fun but also something i just... need to balance (because i will talk about what i love for literally an age)

but i proud of u.............

i feel like i do a lot of fandom activity but actually v little of it happens anywhere but on plurk with my friends lol

also hell yeah!!!! making your own comic!!! making shit!!! fuck yeah!

covid started in mid-march, yeah, but i think the lockdowns were still in progress until april when we were All Locked Down

ecojak "no YOU'RE awesome" comment duel AD INFINITUM

meme voice, its been 84 years

CaptainPlanette i should probably use some... social media where i have fun very quietly in my corner and don't engage with anyone but my cool friends who i like, but i'm invariably eventually like (ariel voice) i wanna be... where the people are

lksjdf you're honestly an inspiration?? iwas like.... lisa did it... i can do it!! i can make a short comic about something that makes my heart do the persona social link rank up jingle and then i can do (whispers) Big Things

goodluckmodes three months... i don't think i've been melting down because of covid, per se? or at least it's not the sole reason, i'm loving the social isolation unironically i just think there's a general malaise among people whose lives have been unmoored and i am nothing but the type to worry about others

but like... three months... my dude, what has this year been, exactly....???

i feel like we've been living in some weird virtual reality since 2012 and it's just getting bizarrer by the second

sleep time now i think but tomorrow... at least one action item will happen

good night!

;A; being called an inspiration is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. If you ever wanna talk abt making comics and shit I'd love to!!

i think even if you're cool with the isolation the whole like

looming specter of Possible Death has been rough on all of us

good night mawiiiii

CaptainPlanette LKSJDF oh wow... i would love that......... although i don't know if i'd have questions or topics to get to you offhand 8^0a mostly i just like have Ideas and i am constantly struggling with my own brain thinking they're stupid

but i don't want a cheerleader... i just want to DO it... ad infinitum

goodluckmodes i either think about death so little that the possibility of death hasn't hit me quite yet or i've thought about death so much that my anxiety about dying is approximately the same... which makes me crazier than average either way

anyway, enough covid talk, i said i wanted to mark off an action item and i meant it!! so.... let me choose one

i think the list of games i'm considering or are just on my mind would be the easiest... low hanging fruit...

itn: i'm staying!! in what capacity i don't really know at the moment, but i do want to get back in it once i feel stable enough. this is probably the only definite game on the list

midpoint: probably... not? unless my life takes a drastic turn, i don't think i can do a longterm murdergame no matter how casual or sandboxy it is... which makes me super upsetti because i have like three characters who would be so good there and i would really enjoy it

the one game where your character gets kidnapped by the fae: I'M SO MAD ABOUT THIS ONE because i have two characters in mind who i'd REALLY enjoy playing there but this is also not a game i was planning on seriously... it's such a cool concept but i need to put this idea to rest, it's not gonna happen

cancry: this is hanging at a very shaky 60% possibility! i need to make a note to myself to check out the activity requirements and i also need to figure out at what capacity i'd like to play sky there, but i did make plans and i do want to follow through on them! i feel like following through on plans is good for me

aefenglom: (stares at my 100 unfinished apps) it's an interesting game but it's not gonna happen no matter what, i'm not committed to any of my character concepts other than like a vague interest and a direction, and a vague plan is a recipe for me flaking out at some point

any other games/psls: i think... i am bad at psls, but if i ever find a structure that interests me and i have the time i'll ping someone who's also interested!! mostly i have an oc from Fallen London i'd love to play somewhere (ironically they'd fit in best in aefenglom, i think), but they're a very special child and i don't know if i'd be able to Commit

aw yay ITN is sticking around <3

and seriously, not worries on Midpoint. it's cool

they are........ very untethered and i want to make sure that they have a space to only be a huge pest in a fun way, not an "okay you randomly murder people that's great but NOT FUN" sort of way

cacopheny i am latching in at itn and not letting go i am very serious about committing to this sad death town!!

i am just super sad about midpoint because SOLDAT.... GRABBY HANDS

someday... if it's still around by the time itn goes...

maybe someday XD if I manage to keep it up /prods the gdoc she needs to make new logs in tonight. but you get Soldat in ITN so it's not like you are missing out :3

you can do it!! i believe!!!

and itn soldat is something i can get behind this is what i want

NEW CHARACTER CONCEPTS that i need to say goodbye to because it's not healthy for me to keep thinking to myself "i can't app this character BUT I NEED TO but i can't" ad infinitum... i'm going to see if getting them out in text alleviates my need to think about them so much

lee kangto/basically anyone from gaksital: god i love kangto and the entire gaksital universe but i'd mostly be apping him places because i just love... 1930s era aesthetic... and koreans in 1930s aesthetic.... and i don't think i can write on the power of aesthetic alone unfortunately

kangto is very intense as a character too! even though he does have his goofy moments he is constantly like... on? unless i apped him at sort of a slow-paced game, he'd invariably get neck deep in whatever overarching plot is going on and i don't have time for that

big sigh.... korean zorro.................... im so sad i can't app him

(i would have apped him at itn/tnn or aefenglom!)

sung shiwon/kang joonhee/other folks from r97: I JUST WANT TO PLAY (grips fist) KOREANS

omg I want to enable you to do this!!!

I mean I know you can't

but it sounds very cool

LKJSFD lauren god i wish!! i wish!!!! my passion for gaksital is INTENSE

stay strong... only do what you can really do... but I know the feelings of dreams

omg this is really off topic now but I had a Craving so I ordered some acorn powder and now I can make acorn jelly and my life is complete

he's such a doofus and he's basically V and Zorro and Batman except he's also a bit of a shithead with his whole head on backward and he's as dumb as fuck god... god i love lee kangto!! idiot man!!

YESSSSS

MAKE THAT JELLY omg

get the good ganjang and make a meal of it shlorp

ANYWAY my main problem with the r97 crew is that i want to app them literally everywhere but joonhee is a gay disaster and shiwon is That Kpoppy

and i'd need to put in a lot of elbow grease to have them fly anywhere and again... i don't really have time for that

I SCHLORP

shllloooop

(i would have apped both at aefenglom, and shiwonnie at itn!)

i also laugh because r97 is... a comedy... but it's so intense and tragic that they're oddly really well suited to pretty much any genre of game i think it just has to be a game where shiwon is allowed to say fuck

momiji souma: he's my favorite boy and i want to play him somewhere and yet i've never been able to make him able to work so i just sit here and seethe because i love him so much but i just can't figure out where he goes!!!

(was deeply considering the fae game for him!)

benzaiten steel: i got into the penumbra podcast in the past two months and I Love Death Optimism Boy Benzaiten Steel

he's so sweet and obnoxious and oh god my preferred genre of character is "very much believes in the good in others despite all evidence in the contrary" isn't it

anyway i can't play him because tpp is a podcast so i'd have to either draw the icons myself or nab other people's fanart and i don't have a good feel for nabbing art without asking and both will take way too long smh

(was also very deeply considering the fae game for him!)

(AND ALSO TNN BECAUSE BENZAITEN STEEL IS A DEAD BOY AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH)

peter nureyev or juno steel from tpp: they're both very good beans and they make me happy in different ways?? peter nureyev is more my brand of character (affectionate, gay, cheerful, gorgeous, korean, non-existent self-esteem, immaculate make-up, murderer), but juno is also on brand for me (prickly, bitter, depressed, clever, idealistic, has a deathwish)

idk i think i'd have fun with both of them, but like... on the flipside......... i don't have solid plans for them and their canon is ongoing and i don't want to deal with canon updates i don't fucking FEEL LIKE IT

(was definitely considering tnn for both, but both pete and super steel would be quite good in aef actually)

(OH GOD JUNO IN MIDPOINT... he'd just whine the entire time and it would be very cute)

du meishin from devotion: literally a 12 year old child from a horror game but listen... she is a good 12 year old child and i love her SO MUCH

i'd send her to beacon so she can have a mildly less horrific relationship with adults and POSSIBLY MAKE FRIENDS WITH KIDS HER OWN AGE

and i have like... specific characters i'd like to toss her at in tnn so not apping her is like... HELL.... but in order to app her i'd really want to do some good research on taiwanese culture in the 80s and i don't think i have the time to sink into that unfortunately du meishin rocks and i love her!! i LOVE HER!!

(she may... actually be pretty good in cancry, actually? i'd enjoy playing her there, anyway)

let's see, i've already mentioned my fallen london oc....

i would have apped them to aef because i think that might be the only game that can handle their feral energy but also i do not want to inflict them on the good citizens of the glom

so that's out unfortunately uou sorry voir du etoile another time maybe

every kamen rider character i've ever thought of: listen, heart roidmude deserves life and miu kazashiro is objectively the best, but i CAN'T APP THEM EVEN THOUGH I LOVE THEM

and i think that was everyone bouncing around in my head?? i was thinking about taako from taz balance and some other characters with feral shithead energy, but i didn't put a lot of thought into them and i think i need to shut the door on myself while i can

OH WAIT HOLD ON ONE MORE

quanyii and/or damien and/or lord arum from tpp: THESE ARE VERY DIFFERENT ENERGIES but feral monster witch, ocd knight who experiences a major crisis of faith, and a big sexy lizard are ALL my brand

okay, exeunt... for tomorrow, i... figure out on a big scale what i'm doing rp-wise? and i'll leave it at that

baby... steps.....

oh wait i do have a passion for jake peralta but i literally cannot app him anywhere because he's jake peralta and i don't know if i can handle the responsibility

WE'RE GETTING THERE!!!

wait ONE MORE

FREESIA GRANBLUE FANTASY: PLEASE LET THIS SAD LESBIAN BE HAPPY

(probably tnn but she'd rock aef p good)

aef apps are closed and switching to a queue system under a game cap anyway so dw about it <33

I'm just here to say I'm glad you're alright, all things considered!

I just learned that you popped back and wanted to come YELL HI ATCHU

I've been ????????? all of June but aaaaaa I'm glad to see you're okay and around <3

(June and... into July... look, time isn't real)