I am gonna try to keep this short since I am in a really really shitty spot mental health wise and I am legit on "burn bridges mode" and that's not a good place for me to reach out to people in

I am not in any dangerous riots or anything like that, but because of where I am located in san jose (right next to city hall) the police flush rioters this way

SWAT has been patrolling the streets, there are houses near by which have gotten hit by gas canisters and needed to evacuate

I have been hearing helicopters over my house since around saturday. nearly non stop

and then, since the curfew, it becomes silent at night.

My step father just came back from the hospital from some fairly serious health issues that hopefully are resolved? Unsure my mom still sounds shaken

one of my uncles lives right next to where the worst of the rioting was in Los Angeles.

Literally across the street

and I am here. In my apartment. by myself

Laid off and largely helpless

I am not okay

and you know.... i'm honestly tired of hearing my white friends who live in houses and have their SOs with them and have jobs and cars and actual financial security and savings and HAVE A CAR tell me that they're stressed about this current situation

I'm tired because right now I could actually use some dumb fuckign RP to distract me but lmao every one is too stressed given current events and I'm just like "well cool fuck me with a fucking lightsaber then"

Again. I'm aware these are nasty HORRIBLE thoughts

But kinda everywhere I go right now I get to field white people telling me how stressed they are about the situation and largely self absorbed.

This country doesn't want me

I've said this for years and people argue against it

but this was the same shit that happened when I was a toddler.

My mom and my dad sound so defeated

they're in their 60's-70's.

this is the exact same shit

they're heart broken and they wanted to leave this country a better place for their kids but nothing has changed

and it's only gotten worse

Be better to your black friends

We are not okay

OH AND ON THE MENTAL HEALTH ASPECT BECAUSE LMAO THAT'S A THING.

LMAO

i am officially not employed so i have no insurance anylonger. I nearly didn't get my script for Ritalin because of some health insurance bullshit around stimulants

thankfully there are good people in the world who yeeted all this shit through the system and i got my meds

So i have that going for me

And if you are someone who feels personally attacked or insulted or whatever by this plurk.... i'm not sure what to say

I'll let a fucking make up drama channel say it for me:

I Need to Say Something

If you are white and in america. It's time to get uncomfortable. I have to largely live my life by tip toeing around peoples feelings

"Oh don't actually say something is racist because you may hurt someones feelings or upset them"

"LETS NOT TALK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE WE DONT WANT OUR WHITE FRIENDS TO FEEL BAD"

If this post makes you feel a certain type of way? I can't help you with that.

As I said, I know i'm in a bad spot mentally and I am being honest here because I hope some of my friends would want to know but

Who the fuck knows

anyway

Now that i've promptly blown up probably the last tatters of my RP career!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to remain off of social media for at least the rest of today. My phone is off. I'm logged out of discord. I'm going to play animal crossing and probably buy a fucking villager off ebay after I force an ugly duck out of my village because I need

One seratonin

Oh and i did want to acknowledge. there have been people who have reached out to me with out an agenda to emotionally dump on me or to tell me how horrible this is for them and how bad they feel. they've reached out with the intention of asking me how they can help

I appreciate those people so much because I do feel very very very alone and isolated and invisible in all of this. and those people and those messages have really helped me remember the good and light in this world

so thanks to those people <3

ah here is someone more articulate than me spitting truths out here: I ain't doing this. | Ti Talks