I'm doing my best to just sHAKE OFF the lingering bitterness that I had been telling her

Since last... August that "I don't think anti depressants are working"

"Oh lets try another immediate dose of wellbutrin that you take when ur feeling extra bad"

"It's not working"

"OH well you're stressed out why don't you just keep doing wellbutrin"

"It's not working. It's been a year and I have met zero of the goals i want to meet when I started treating my ADHD."

a specific example being: I want to be able to clean my room. at all. Period

"You'll need to go to therapy to accomplish those goals. Or maybe have drastic job change"

"We could try sticking you on an SSRI to deal with your anxiety! (ALONG WITH THE WELLBUTRIN I'M ALREADY TAKING)"

I was about to straight up switch doctors when she said that and then corona happened

and i'm sort of just like

I KNOW I couldn't have stopped this from happening but woweee it feels like I could have been a more integral part to my team if I had had my ADHD under control. Especially with a huge project which spiraled into a fucking DUMPSTER FIRE because of so many fucking attributes that were put on my shoulders even if it waSNt ThE cASE

I am honestly half expecting this to go "Well I don't want to stick you on stimulants because now that you're let go you should use this as a chance to really examine why you behave the way you do" ORS OEM shiT

and for the people who are (and aren't) following along. She literally did look me in the face when I said that I was having trouble meeting any of the long term goals I was setting for myself-- AND GAVE THE EXAMPLES OF CLeaning my room or paying my bills on time- AND SAID I WOULD NEED TO GO TO THERAPY

I think she misunderstood me as saying I wasn't feeling "fulfilled" when it really is like

"Bruh my room looks like a nuclear bomb hit it and I cannot keep it clean"

Which yes. it can require therapy in some cases. Hoarding is a big thing that needs to be dealt with in therapy

But this isn't a psychological dependence on having these things or a fear of throwing anything out

This isn't some delusion about keeping an object because throwing it away means throwing away a person or a memory

I've dealt with those thoughts. I CAn CONTINUE TO DEAL WITH THOSE THOUGHTS

THis is, it literally takes all my energy to clean one small portion of my room in one day and then I become a vegetable and then I decide "oh i can do another part next week" but then it's two months later and the mess IS BACK

Or simply paying bills on time. shouldn't be hard

IT SHOULDNT BE

Except

if a bill comes in

If I don't pay it that very instant I see it

I'll forget it

"why not pay it the instant you see it"

Sometimes I can't get to my computer, sometimes i am waiting for money to come in from something, sometimes I'm falling asleep/about to take a shower/about to DO soMEthing

and I forget it

there is no amount of therapy that can deal with that properly

Rather. there is no amount of therapy that can help when the very chemical process of my executive functioning is HIJACKED

Just like how I would make so much progress in therapy in dealing with anxious or depressed thoughts but I would get knocked back again and again and again

And maybe it wasn't as bad but I was still treading mud because if you have been depressed since you were 10 years old

and you're currently 25-26

You cannot understand what not being depressed is

You cannot, your brain has tread that self hate track so long that it is the one it keeps returning to over and over and it's just like breathing

I still struggle with "Don't hate yourself!!" because lord have mercy what does that even MEAN some days

AnyHoW

When I went on antidepressants for the second time after a complete meltdown so bad that I had an out of body experience

IT TOOK A WHILE

But there was one day when I woke up and realized I didn't have that underlying constant negative dialogue in my head

Literal "stupid piece of shit" episode from bojack. It was gone

THAT

THAT was the moment therapy was much more effective

Right now, I don't even know what it's like to be able to concentrate on one thing or stick to a schedule or not need to have ayoutube video going on in the background as I draw, browse reddit, play animal cross, sew, WHATEVER

I cannot comprehend my budget because I cannot keep shit in my brain

I will write schedules. I'll make calendars, I'll do all of that

But it all falls apart the FIRST time I trip up

And I am not trying to be a self defeatist asshole this is just facts

I have to actively avoid trying to put that shit on myself right now because you know what drums up anxiety and self hate????

Failing. Again. At trying to keep consistent and be 'neurotypical'

All of this to say

I'm massively frustrated that it's going to take this fucking effort to tell my doctor to shut up and listen to me

and I am also massively frustrated that a chunk of me is like

"Shes not going to take me seriously and i am never going to be able to do anything with my life"

Anyway

That's why I'm not on plurk

i just wanted to get my goddamn ADHD treated and this has taken four years of my life and it's so frustrating that I want to cry about it

shoulda jsut gone to an adhd clinic in the first place i guess. But i had some trust and faith in doctors

yeah, no amount of therapy can fix broken executive function; you know what you're supposed to be doing!

like i don't want to sound egotistical but I'm like

How does therapy fix adhd????????????????????????????????????

also I'm sorry Wellbutrin isn't working for you; it made me WILDLY productive but I never slept and ended up having an allergic reaction.

I've done a good amount of therapy.

I mean, it can teach you some extra methods of coping IF they're an ADHD-focused therapist

Wellbutrin worked when I wasn't stressed out! and when things were NORMAL

but if you know what you should be doing and can't make yourself do it, therapy isn't gonna do jack.

see also: me rn.

But yeah like I've done a good amount of therapy. I have gotten tools to deal with a lot of the negative symptoms of ADHD

EG anxiety and depression, sometimes impulse control especially regarding emotional disregulation

I don't need therapy I need fucking adderal

BUT YEAH that was the way I figured out something else was wrong because I was like

"I'm managing??? My depression??? And my anxiety???? But I still can't clean my room???? It's WORSE????"

"Why am I bleeding money???? I was able to save when I was really depressed???? What's different now???????????"

yeah, my ssris are like... barely limping along but I can't drag myself through the adhd stuff.

"I'm able to draw??? But I can't draw my own things with regularity?????"

normally I can just drag myself through it but lately my brain is like, no, we're gonna do what we want, forget anything else.

Thus why I had to drop the therapist I loved and adored because of her insistence that this was anxiety and I was just making up the ADHD thing I guess

bleh

Because EVERYONE IS LIKE ME

Looks at my entire class i graduated with and how much most of them are very much not like me

because they have discipline and don't procrastinate as much and you know

are more neurotypical

AND This is to not say that i couldn't benefit from therapy. I could

my anxiety is ALSO out of control which just means my focus is shot

This is to say that the biggest issue I am having cannot be fixed with therapy and discussing that with a doctor will be an exercise in frustration as I have to explain to a new therapist that my executive functioning is shot and this is not anxiety

yes

I'm procrastinating calling the therapist my one adhd friend recced to me

because I know I'll just end up being like

~it's fine

Yeah my anxiety is MOSTLY?????? OKAY? Right now it isn't but these are extraordinary circumstances. Thus. Understandable. AnD right now I AM procrastinating and hesitant to start on anything because of my anxiety

Because my anxiety knows

that this is what's gonna happen

"LET ME DO THIS THING"

DOES THIS THING

GETS HYPE

Brain: Cool you got the good chemicals for two days. now i've decided to stop because i refuse to comprehend any long term goals

every.

Time.

I know this feel

So right now my anxiety is just telling me to not becaus eof that

Which i'm honestly in agreement with until i at least make an attempt at a different medication

I have learned so many new skills to the point of completing one (1) thing and then being done forever... after I bought 100 supplies

If I could just clean my room and see the floor i would be

so happy

it sounds so fucking simple

It isn't

I've been sloooooowly working on that

the only thing that helps is honestly having my husband come in and be like DO THIS ONE SINGULAR TASK every so often.

and it's the most frustrating thing ever because my room being a mess has been knocked into me as being a personal failing and showing physically how fucked up i am

ACCORDING TO MY MOM LMAO

ugh tell your mom to shhh

Like adhd isn't seen as a mental disorder or a chemical imbalance

it's seen as a character defect

one that i spent the majority of my life just accepting

I just need them to bottle executive functioning

I'm lazy. I'm a procrastinator. I don't live up to my potential. I'm stupid. I'm playing dumb.

I'm a trash person who can't do anything because of my own character flaws

CERTAINLY

I COULD USE THERAPY FOR THAT

BUT I cannot defeat those thoughts if I still have these fucking traits because of a faulty brain wiring

because I can build myself up and do things and be like YES I AM MOTIVATED AND INTELLIGENT AND HARD WORKING and just BE THAT THING.

And then guess what

That projects left aside

my room is messy

I'm let go from my fucking job that I actually really loved and did my fucking best at and it still wasn't enough

which everyone can say "It wasn't personal and not your fault" and on one hand they're right

on the other hand I know i dropped the ball several times.

I know during this pandemic? I was getting NOTHING done

Not because there wasn't work but because my brain just couldn't adapt

I'd sit and stare at my screen and go "DO TI" and it was like "nah"

I broke down in tears a few times

no amount of to do lists or mindfulness or WHATEVER helped

So

anyway

there you have it

I'm doin my best to not be kinda mad and frustrated because of all this but

I AM

A LITTLE

KINDA

also lets not get into my brains anxiety talk of saying i'm going to take the meds and they are just not gonna work because i've actually been making all this up and i am a lazy stupid trash person who has been deluding herself into thinking she is anything more than that

Because that is anxiety brain and she is Plump with external environmental circumstances that are out of my control but prove everything she says right

I wish you all the luck and I hope you are able to find something that works for you

lmao thank you. I know my parents will help me if this does go the way my anxiety is saying it will go but

Health care is frustrating enough when you do have insurance in america

and I'm about to not have insurance anymore so i'm like

end my life

I can only hope things will get better fast. And I can Hope anxiety brain issues can shut up for like five minutes. Please.

same

we'll see thursday

I'm saying thursday because I may be an emotional basket case at the end of tomorrow

Seeing my office for the last time

the worst thing is we all had to SCHEDULE time slots

and we can't over lap

So we have to go in by ourselves

I want to write my team members cards, but I'm not sure if I'll be allowed to leave anything??? I'm going to try and slip them in and at least leave them at my leads desk if I can

... Well... That's definitely a thing. Good luck and try to rest as much as you can go see if that helps any.

i got a plan. My desk is right next to my leads so I can like TRIP AND DROP MY STUFF AND THEN JUST SHOVE IT INTO HER DRAWERS

LMAO

My only worry is that I'm afraid if someone else gets let go that they won't get the letter

WHICH I DONT WANT TO HAPPEN

BUT

lets be honest

they told us they had zero plans to let anyone go

And in case anyone is wondering, i've connected with others and one of the people had been working at the company for FIVE YEARS

Basically this means no one is really "safe"

and so they held another all hands meeting saying there were no more lay offs planned

and its like

That now means nothing

and especially given how corporate they handled this, which i 100% understand that they were probably forced into handling it like this but

Zero of us got the chance to say good bye or anything and???? that's really shitty for morale

i just don't see this working out well for the company as a whole

which really sucks. I kinda wish I knew more behind the scenes of what they're being told because this was just such a bad way of handling it.

this is the shit that makes people leave jobs

and holy fucki still need to take my meds and feed the cats SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MY UNSTRUCTURED ADHD LIFE

also i found out yesterday that there is infact an asian lady who is feeding the cat mafia

She was worried because one of the cardboard scratchers got wet and saw me in the window and was liek "IS THIS YOURS" I was like 'ye its cool'

I appreciate her want to help tho. AND I APPRECIATE SOMEONE NOTICED THAT THE NEIGHBORS WHO HELPED FEED THE CATS ARE GONE AND WANTED TO HELP AS WELL

as you can see I adhd'd right out of this conversation but it was mostly because my son started asking me for 500 things and I forgot about my phone

Oh that is a nice thing to hear.
Again seriously all The luck for the next few days

speaksincolor: but is the child screaming

NOT TODAY SATAN

she screamed all day yesterday

and then today she actually has been good and is now napping

we're pretty sure she's growing her last molar on the top hence all the shrieks