I am a 30yr old Male, lost in his own mind with the way life is running right now.

Bored of the same things again and again. Where it should be an adventure at this point, it's nothing more than a bland circle of life.

I realize that I am not in the best shape(in body or mind)

But I would like to have a few see what my mind goes through as I process each decision each day. How I plan for a somewhat calm and hopefully peaceful day

If I was to look at you face to face and say " No worries I'm okay" That would be lying right there. And odds are you would believe me as wel

The past year has brought a bunch of challenges to live each of my days. Including mental health struggles, relationship issues, work issues and so on

Everyone chants about how each day is a new page, a new slate for an addition to their lives. Mine is more of a repeat of said page in a malfunctioning printer.

I wake up tired, trying to figure out what to do with my day (not working currently, so it's pretty bland) i fight with myself to even get my feet out of bed because I know it will be the same regardless of what I do

My anxiety usually sets in after an hour of being awake. Making me self aware that I am no good to anyone or of use to anyone.

Meaningful connections have, just up and vanished

The ones I have managed to keep, well they hold to tight a spot in my heart. Regardless of where our lives lead us

I'm your typical "if you are happy, then I am happy" kind of guy. And I repress myself and my feelings because I feel like I would just be in the way of anyone that has me in their lives

I could use my last relationship as an example really.

I make a deep connection to the woman. And things don't work out. But I shove all that i want to work on and try and fix down so that I can watch her grow and be happy with her life vs mine

Don't get me wrong, I like people. The way each individual thinks and processes things. How they perceive the day. I find that interesting

But I'm socially anxious and awkward. So I tend to stay indoors

I keep the friends that make an effort close (some of you bypass that effort because of history and well you all suck but I love you)

I struggle with mental health issues. And I am an em-path. so being a part of my life or in a relationship with me... I will feel each emotion as you do, and re convey it out.

I think that's why the last relationship ended up failing... I was too emotional as a person and being in a polygamous relationship did not help where Jealousy and anger and sadness played major roles

Don't get me wrong, it was fun. It also helped me in a small way to control my jealously, and not be so afraid of the unknown.

But when that finally came to an end. So did my job at the same time. my life is in shambles from all of that still

If I was to say I never thought of or attempted suicide. Well I am a liar.

I failed when I was alone living in windsor

I failed here when I moved closer to home

I think it's easier to be gone from everyone, vs struggle and get no where

I find life boring, there's no.... there's no meaning to it for me anymore

Broke my windshield last week with my fist when all my walls came down from drinking. But I didn't hit anyone so that was a surprise. Most of my moral standings stayed in place no matter how bad I was crying or willing to

beat the shit out of someone

Right now I am unpredictable. even to myself...

I want the woman i fell in love with back, but I know i can't have her. and I'm at the top of that fucking hill

but just can't get past the tree blocking me.

Trying to NOT break the keyboard rn.

to say the least. the last 19yrs of learning and developing myself going through lofe.

Had it's great moments

that's for sure. but

but what's next

who knows. maybe the mental ward downtown. a drunken mishap

not being around even

Ive had almost 3 months to work on this all and it.. it just hasen't moved

even with therapy

To each of you who know me and have been a part of my life even in the smallest of ways....

Thank you