Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T20:31:03.000Z
so I'm going to take Beth's name when we get married... but my dad doesn't know
latest #37
KnotablyMe
2018-02-19T20:34:27.000Z
I'm REALLY excited about this. Your dad will deal- you do you.
polka_dots
2018-02-19T20:48:23.000Z
thanks pretty cool. any particular reason, if you care to share?
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T20:57:03.000Z
yeah! sorry I'm at work, got distracted. SO:
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Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T20:59:07.000Z
My dad is basically a gigantor piece of doodoo. parents divorced when I was a baby, he was doing drugs when i was around, never paid a cent of child support, my mom was too prideful to take him to court over that, he also 'abandoned' me at my house in the middle of the night once when he dropped me off at the end of the summer (a drive from NH to NJ)
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T21:00:17.000Z
and basically fucked off into the night, another time, at his 1 room apt, I was on an air mattress at the foot of his bed, and he brought over this woman and fucked her in his bed with me 'asleep' at the foot.
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T21:01:37.000Z
his weed dealer and the dealer's gf visited once and after they smoked a joint and left, my dad turned to me and suggested "that's waht you should be doing, going out and making some money, getting laid"... I was like 14 or so, the dealer was 17...
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T21:02:20.000Z
He basically ignored me the whole time I was there, letting me wander around and do whatever I wanted with little to no supervision or attention.
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T21:03:34.000Z
and in general, that whole side of the family, while we like each other well enough, we don't very much keep in contact and that's straining on any relationship. Especially with my father's past...
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T21:04:22.000Z
besides, he's just a real tool, like you can gather a lot about his personality by judging this particular book by it's cover, at least the back cover summary.
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T21:10:41.000Z
oh and then there's the time when I came out as Bi on facebook and he commented that he still loved me but immediately contacted me privately and wound up calling me "half a fag". so...
Mister Anderson
2018-02-19T21:10:43.000Z
So TL;DR, I don't have a very strong connection to his last name and would honestly like to not have it anymore. I mean even my mom finally took her maiden name back.
polka_dots
2018-02-20T01:02:05.000Z
woah. I didn't realize the story was that deep. thanks for sharing. and good for you, taking matters into your own hands and not being associated with negativity like that anymore
Rachel, RN
2018-02-20T01:16:26.000Z
Awesome! It's relatively easy once you have the marriage certificate, though I wonder if you might get some strange looks doing it as a man. Start with social security :-)
Mister Anderson
2018-02-20T01:19:58.000Z
tigerxsocks yeah it's a lot..

whisperedkiss I've already got a few weird looks haha. also in NJ is it really that easy for a guy? I've heard otherwise
Rachel, RN
2018-02-20T01:21:49.000Z
I did it in PA and I'm not a guy so I don't know :-( but I know someone who did it (they both changed to a new name) so I could reach out to them. There are websites where you fill out your info and they basically autofill all the forms for you and give you instructions on what to do but they are geared toward women
Mister Anderson
2018-02-20T01:23:53.000Z
Ok! so far there are only 9 states that allow the name change to be easy for everyone (following marriage) apparently, and NJ wasn't on the list BUT maybe it's different for marriage?
Rachel, RN
2018-02-20T01:26:17.000Z
Rachel, RN
2018-02-20T01:26:39.000Z
In general changing your name after marriage is way easier than a regular legal name change
Mister Anderson
2018-02-20T01:27:46.000Z
I'll check that out, thanks!
KnotablyMe
2018-02-20T02:33:00.000Z
Um, wow. Do you even need to tell him?
Mister Anderson
2018-02-20T02:54:06.000Z
bananab I'm worried about his reaction, with me being his only child and not carrying on his name. last thing I need is him making a scene
gremlin wife
2018-02-20T03:04:41.000Z
Your dad sounds like a scumbag. Good on your for making this hard but meaningful choice.
Mister Anderson
2018-02-20T03:05:54.000Z
He is, no doubt.... but I still somehow find myself even wanting to invite him to the wedding to avoid being rude.. what's wrong with me
gremlin wife
2018-02-20T03:08:35.000Z
Nothing's wrong with you, there's just a lot of expectations and weight and pressure around marriages.
gremlin wife
2018-02-20T03:10:11.000Z
You might find it helpful to browse this advice column, I know she's answered several letters about drawing boundaries with toxic family around Big Events
gremlin wife
2018-02-20T03:11:14.000Z
Check out the Family and Parents tags too
Mister Anderson
2018-02-20T03:11:42.000Z
He didn't even attend my high school graduation... He came to my boot camp graduation but even more important to me was that he didn't attend my promotion to Sergeant. that was huge... no brownie point for that one.
Mister Anderson
2018-02-20T03:12:11.000Z
Oh! Thanks!
Beth
2018-02-20T17:25:27.000Z
man some of the stuff in that advice column is hard to read
Beth
2018-02-20T17:25:42.000Z
I was looking because I basically don't want to invite most of my mom's side of the family
Beth
2018-02-20T17:26:30.000Z
I'm definitely not inviting on particular aunt who I don't like and who can't not fight with my mother when they're in the same place
Beth
2018-02-20T17:26:34.000Z
and one cousin
Beth
2018-02-20T17:27:15.000Z
but the rest are up in the air. They're just all halfway to a mess and I don't know if I want to worry about them being horrible at my wedding
Beth
2018-02-20T17:28:05.000Z
but like one of them is my grandmother. And idk if anyone remember some of my rambling stories from college but gramma's only gotten nuttier. And more argumentative
KnotablyMe
2018-02-21T01:18:41.000Z
If you think it's likely that their presence at your wedding will cause you more stress than joy (or more stress than their absence), then don't invite them.
KnotablyMe
2018-02-21T01:19:40.000Z
I know it's not all that simple, but this is a day for you to enjoy and celebrate, and that is an important goal to keep in mind.
Beth
2018-02-21T02:08:42.000Z
Yeah that's what I keep thinking
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