up until 5 months ago that was really the primary purpose of blogging and now i'm pretty sure my primary purpose is shitposting and watching youtube

i'm not sure what to do with this information

my sickness has screwed up the lives of everyone around me. amara was finally going to start uni in a couple months and i'm pretty sure after today she's going to put it off for another year

i'm just such a fucking mess. i should not be this much of a mess but i am,

and tbh i can blame this on exactly two people. my doctor and my dad. and the reason for that is that they were the two primary people in my life who DID NOT BELIEVE AND STILL DO NOT BELIEVE that i am sick.

*my old doctor

idek what my emotions are. i don't think i'm angry. or sad. or anything. i dunno. i'm just bothered by the fact that right now i don't know why i'm crashing

the gluten free diet was working up until now. at the three-week mark i got a little better, as my doctor said i would - which immediately resulted in a crash because then i had my first period in like 6 months

but at least that was a sign something was happening

then i got a little better for a few days and then i crashed again

i don't know what the fuck is going on

i can't predict anything about my nutrition needs, can't plan meals ahead, can't know what my energy will do, can't think, can't predict my emotions, can't control my emotions

i find myself becoming increasingly jealous of people who can leave the house and do normal things like go shopping or buy shoes

i was never jealous before because i brushed it off as "that's not something i can do so they can have fun without me" but now it's "i should be able to do this but for some reason i can't"

and it feels more and more like people are flaunting their abilities to be normal in my face even though they're not

and i know they're not, and i know it's just my own brain not being able to do stuff

idk

guess i'm just frustrated

i can wait 6 months, but i feel like i need to /know/ if it's going to be 6 months so i can work things out in the meantime

winter's almost here and i need plants in my room or i'm going to get depressed again

but i can't go buy plants because i'm too sick

it's the most horrible vicious cycle

need to do x to feel better but can't do x because i don't feel better yet

i need other people to help me but i can see the resentment in their eyes whenever i ask for anything

it must seem to my mother that i ask for so much

but she never sees all the times i don't ask for things because i don't want her to look at me

it hurts that people my age are adults and i'm essentially still 13

and for that matter i missed all my teenage years. and my childhood. i'm basically only just becoming a person now and i'm not yet sure what kind of person i actually am yet because i keep changing

i think i'm having an existential crisis maybe

i missed every trend when i was young because my parents wouldn't buy anything popular, and i had no friends to share things with me, and i was literally too uncool to be friends with the uncool people

i had no cultural input whatsoever until these last few years

and i know what i like now but i keep discovering new things and getting upset that i didn't find them when i needed them as a child/teenager

all these music bands and fashion articles were in my peripheral vision when i was maybe 12 years old, and i loved them but i had nobody to share them with me so they were unobtainable

and i realise i've been stuck in a cycle of unobtainable things all my life

i constantly remind myself i have everything i need to live and be happy, and i'm in a supportive environment, but due to my sickness all of my cultural input is in fact just output

i create things in order to learn things and enjoy things

and in being unable to write or create i'm just blurring out into an amalgamation of other people and i'm not sure who i am any more

it's a really weird feeling

also... i've kind of found that i don't really want to talk to anyone online. internet friends keep messaging me and i don't want to respond. i like watching vloggers on youtube talking AT me not TO me

because i seem to be craving social interaction on a massive scale but lacking the energy to achieve it, so it's nice watching people talk

14 hours a day for 4 months

5 months? i forget

every time a video ends i just find another one because i just need more people in my ears and more friends who don't need me to respond to them

i think i just miss people y'know? you guys. plurk friends.

i can talk to my sister and she watches with me for a few hours before bed

it makes me dizzy to think that she, my mother and my dad are the only people i interact with every day, day in and day out for YEARS AT A TIME, with maybe one day every two months when i see someone else

I WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE

honestly i want to move out. i just want to live with my sister somewhere and go to outside places and see things and do things

i don't know what life is like

i know what the internet is like

that's all

that's so crazy

and to think that until i was 12 i thought the only thing i could do on the internet was play neopets

i dunno. i have huge goals for my life and i want to be so much, but right now i'm so little that i worry it might never change despite my best efforts

i'm a little scared maybe

time passes too quick but things don't change fast enough

my grandparents are gonna die and i haven't published a book they can read yet

my mother wants to start a business but she can't because she's endlessly doing all the chores i'm supposed to do

my sister needs to start uni but if she goes ahead in life without me then i'll never catch up, i need her to support me

my dad is jealous i get to stay home all day while he goes to work all day

i don't think anyone understands exactly how much i HATE not being able to do the things i should be able to do

and i'm just typing to plurk at 4am because i don't have anyone else to talk to

i'm grateful for so much in my life, it could be infinitely worse, and i know that, but how good can life really be if you're always so aware of your potential and are unable to do anything to achieve it??

i know what i'm good at and what i enjoy but the longer i can't indulge in those things i lose my skill and my love for it

i don't know how to end this stream of conciousness. maybe just say i hope things get better quickly because i'm not sure how much more of this i can take.

(but what's the last straw? i swear i've hit my lowest point 10 times already. rock bottom just keeps getting lower. neverending cavern of doom.)

looked up "existential crisis".... yup, this is definitely one of those