(by today i mean yesterday)

it was crammed full of double-layered boxes that i put there 6 years ago when we moved in, and haven't touched since

also contained 2 backpacks: one untouched since my last day at WGC (May? 2010), and one somewhat untouched since we moved to NZ (September 2006)

what I have discovered from these time periods was that i was clearly suffering from deep depression and a great deal of mental illness

i was unable to let go of the weirdest things

there was literally just ...trash... in my bags

used gum in paper, empty candy wrappers, crumpled up bus tickets

and there were boxes of this stuff too

i asked my parents about why the hell i conciously packed this stuff when we moved house, and apparently they asked me at the time and i got upset and said it was important

i kept everything

in my school bag there was a brand new magazine from 2008. but i left school in 2010. i'd been carrying this magazine around for 2 years and i don't even recognise it??

also there was a rock in my bag. like a giant rock the size of a fist

i think maybe it was from WGC, from that little garden area behind the drama block? that's a guess though

there was also a buttload of notes passed between me and all my lovely plurk friends over the years. no schoolwork. hell knows where that is, whether i still have it, or whether i ever had it

it seems pretty clear that i only went to school to see my friends and talk to them and pass notes

the few pieces of school worksheets i have (yr 13 classics & geography) are both incomplete, just a few lines on blank paper

i see stuff like this and frankly i'm bewildered how every Grown Up Adult in my life just thought i was lazy/didn't care/was faking illness. the evidence of mental illness was everywhere

in hindsight it was the physical illness causing the original symptoms, but the Grown Up Adults' reaction to my illness that produced the mental illnesses.

i just couldn't cope with their expectation that i should be able to function normally and get good grades and be able to concentrate. those last couple years at school, i must've just been floating through

i wasn't even really a person then. i just existed to do what people expected of me and suffer while doing it because i couldn't cope

failing everything and dropping out of school was truly the best thing that could've happened to me

my mother's still obsessed with the idea that failing is bad because it's failing

but i disagree completely. unless i'd failed so completely i wouldn't still be alive right now and had the chance to actually develop a personality.

all the stuff i kept was just proof that i was trying to be a culmination of the people around me (there's more stuff in my bag written by Andromz and Wilfred_Humbug then there is written by me)

and i was just so ...numb to everything

i know Andromz in particular was going through a hard time back then too. i have notes from you saying "I HATE YOU, YOU'RE A FUCKWAD" and my response was "I love you too, and thank you, how lovely"

and as much as i think that contributed to Andromz once asking me why the hell i put up with all the shit, i think that really just reflected how little i really felt in the way of anything

(Andromz i'm still glad i said that, and i'm glad we've remained friends for the best part of a decade)

anyway

in conclusion, depression sucks, i'm glad that dark part of my life is over, and i'm ALSO REALLY GLAD MY WARDROBE SHELF IS NOW EMPTY

i have a bunch of things i think Andromz will like, incidentally. we gotta meet up so i can give you some stuff~

I probs meant that in jest??? Ily. Lots and lots.

I really love reading your Plurks. Sorry I don't comment all the time, but I'm ALWAYS reading

I definitely knew you had depression but I remember you claiming that you weren't because you were "happy". It was a terrible time for sure

I feel regret I never talked to you much about mine or anyone really. But it's a "as we get older" dealio

I should have dropped textiles and photography. It was far too much for me. But I passed at the end of the day

But w/e. Here's to bring better again!

Wilfred_Humbug if you like reading my plurks then you'd maybe like reading this tumblr post too idk Tales of an Injured Fog Rat *:･ﾟ✧ Cockles?!?!? | how Cockles save...

captjock: I thought being happy =/= being depressed because that's what Mrs. Bowbyes told me. in hindsight, she was a shitty counsellor and a manipulative person and she should've been fired.

I confided to her my passions (albeit those passions were yaoi and slash fic) and she encouraged me to get rid of it, purge it, burn it, and never touch it again. I lied and said I did, and then began my career

she was also part of the team who tried to emotionally blackmail me into coming to school by saying things like "other people menstruate every day or have cancer and yet you can't get to school"

She was a terrible counsellor

Remember the "mediation" meeting we all had with Charlotte in her office..? shudders

Thank you, Almaas. I really did enjoy reading that. I love your mind, and I love your honesty. I love you, Elm Tree. I'm here for you, and I'm so excited to see you begin healing

I tweeted that post out. Idk if they'll see it but I tried!

And Yesss she's fucking awful