I don't feel as though I belong here, for all the assurances of my friends and roommates, but I haven't yet decided to move back home.

I could go back home.

But it still feels as though that is the cowards way out. Like if be giving up.

I do so love it out here, even if the people I live and work with are usually more emotionally damaging than they are supportive/helpful.

I miss my family and friends in CA so terribly. And the places an the food (the food here is so different, it bears little likeness to what I grew up eating) and just... Everything.

But I would miss the people and places out here if I moved back home, too.

I just... I told someone visiting my family for the holidays felt like a dream. And it did. But that only makes this weirder, because I feel as though I'm drifting through a dream here, too.

Like the last two months were... I guess a dream within a dream. And now I'm stuck. And I don't know how to make it stop. :/

it isn't "giving up" to get out of a situation that makes you unhappy. and you've been at that job making peanuts for like a decade now :|

if you ARE happy with aspects of your life there, the important part is whether those aspects outweigh the shitty parts, really

but don't think it's giving up either way, cuz it's not

(and I don't say this because I'm biased. cuz I am. I say this cuz I do want YOU to be happy)

How do I decide? I've been trying to do just that for the last two weeks. :<

well, first and foremost, can you AFFORD to get back to CA? and second, if you come back to CA, will you be able to either get a job that doesn't require a car, or procure a car?

I'm assuming you'll move back in with the folks?

My whole family has been telling me constantly that they'd drop everything to move me back the minute I have the word, and I've been saving up for a while, so yeah, I think I might.

And the job and car... That's tougher. I know I could use either my moms car (that she rarely uses any more) or one of my sisters cars (one of which is the car my mom uses instead XD). The job... Not sure.

There is almost a guarantee of more opportunities out there, though.

that is definitely true. there are a shit ton more businesses out here to work for. may not be a BETTER job, but you'll have fewer expenses, so you can save up more

and I didn't realize your fam had an extra car. that's actually a huge boon for you.

you could have actual freedom to get OUT of the house if you needed to, if you were in a bad place or someone else was

would you be okay living back at home, do you think? you've been out a long time

I'm not sure. They have a looooot of Stuff, and I'm now used to living with more space to move around. And a brighter, more open atmosphere.

that'll be a concern, too. weigh that against your current situation with housing there. which benefits are more important to you? which drawbacks are you least able to reconcile with?

Also (we're talking little details here) I hate their shower. x.x (yes. I know. But I feel like I'm ickier coming out than I did going in every time I shower there, which is not a fun feeling.)

(that is an important detail, I do not blame you)

(if you had said so, I would've let you shower at my place, no problem )

(Awu~ ;.; ilu. <3)

would giving the shower a good cleaning help? =/

(I just feel like it's such a petty little reason to not move back home. x.x)

Not really. It's the water. It's so hard it leaves a residue on everything.

XP even.

aaaah. well, giving the showerhead a good scrubbing might help a LITTLE, but yeah. that's not something super helpful.

helpful=helpable

it may be a long-term project, considering moving back-- try looking up jobs in this area for a while, apply for a few, see if they'll do phone interviews or fly you out on their dime

if you can find a GOOD job out here, then you might not have to stay at home for long, just long neough to save up a little for a place of your own

Yeah. :/ I had a liiiiitle success using some vinegar in the water as a sort if rinse. But then I smelled vaguely of salad all day... XD

or you could join a gym and use the shower there a couple times a week... XD but that's a pain, and costs money, too

That's true. I don't know how much hope I have of finding that good a job, though.

look first, then worry about how possible it is after you've got some research under your belt.

no sense in writing it off until some research has been done

Also true. <3

and if you have a number of friends out here, it's entirely possible you could take one of them for a roommate. or even just advertise for a roommate in the area on craigs list or something

(I don't know any of your other friends except the ones from church, but I know you have them XD )

and I will admit, I am biased, you're a good friend to me and it'd be nice to see you more often. but I never get the impression you're happy out there when I DO see you

There are times when I am incredibly happy, and things are going well and I would miss those times so much if I left. But there are also times (like right now) when I wish if never left home in the first place.

what makes the happy times happy? are they things you would legit be leaving behind, or something you can continue having even if you aren't in that particular house?

Because if if never left, I wouldn't feel sad about leaving the (occasionally accidentally emotionally abusive) roommate and our other friend who moved out here from CA herself to live with us.

(not to push either direction, I do honestly want to know, since I don't hear much about them)

Yeah, they'd be hard to replace. I had been trying to live with these exact people for literally half my life. The good times are good because I love these two girls, and honestly want to spend time with them.

:: nods :: then yeah. definitely harder =/ and visiting would be hard to manage, since you only make visits out HERE when your parents pay for it.

Even the bad times are only bad because my friend who I want to spend time with is having issues where she can't people. :/

(Sorry for delay, we're doing laundry and it was time to shift loads.)

(no worries <3 I'm still at work, so)

And yeah. If basically never see them again.

(Ah right, it's not even 4:30 for you. ^.^;;; Sorry to be angsting in your general direction while you're at work!)

hey, I'm the one who tagged in and don't know if I'd say NEVER, but definitely not once a year

and I don't know how prevalent their internet presences are. I get most of my friend-fix from plurk, really, myself

They're not online in social circles much. Email, yeah, but I do terribly as an email pen-pal. :/

I understand that, I'm not great at it, either. it may be that if you leave they could JOIN a social circle or two online for your sake, but that's not something to count on

Yeah. In the old days, we'd RP the heck out of each other. Not so much any more. At least, they don't with me. With each other all the time. XD

that's not somethin' I can help with :< I only know this side of the housing equation, I've only met Lilu the once and kinda didn't get on with her, myself, so my bias there is gonna be less easy to bypass.

Yeah, she's got some issues, but they're mostly with people she doesn't know. The main problem she and I have is that we operate on different social frequencies.

She was taught to hit back and hit hard (sometimes literally when she and her mom got into fist fights x.x) and I was basically taught to keep the peace at all costs (including my own comfort). :/

the two don't mesh well.

no, I imagine they wouldn't :< I can see the benefit of learning to be a little LESS "keep the peace at all costs" but not with a really confrontational person :: hairpets :;

Fortunately the friend who just moved in with us is confrontational back at her for my benefit, and tones her harshness down for her. Bilingual, you might say.

It sorta helps, but Lilu needs a looooot of attention, so I sometimes feel left out and neglected. shrug

I know that feeling :: hugs on :: it sucks being basically third wheel

Yeah, it's rough while it happens, but afterward they try to make it up. <3