that lying is the better, safer, more survivable choice. I hate feeling like my pitiful attempts to defend my sister feel so weak and cowardly.

I know that my mom loves all of us. I know I can trust her to keep my body safe. But I can't trust her with my heart, my soul. She doesn't understand, doesn't bother to try and it hurts me.

I'm lucky my partner is the good person that he is, but even so. Even after I've been mourning this shitty ass relationship with my mom for 20 years, that I'm STILL fucking mourning it.

My dad was a narcissist who abandoned me and then (when forced to come back into my life) used me as his emotional crutch. He's a man who doesn't know how love or how to be a father or how to be a decent

fucking human being. My stepfather emotional abused my mother until she had no shred of self integrity left, which then got used against us kids, because what else was she going to do? He destroyed everything

else.

My mom is this crazy creative intelligent person. She's got so much potential. And I love it. But she kills me with her lack of emotional support, her inability to actually see things through her children's

eyes. And then her insane need to start telling the story with her own edits, denying anyone else's reality.

Sure, my life's not in danger. Sure, my life's just as dysfunctional as anyone else's. It still fucking SUCKS. It still hurts. It hurts that I grew up never feeling like I had a home or a family, like I was

some kind of weird roomate to the people who were my blood relatives.

So, I'm fucking broken. I can't act like a normal human being. I can only act on the shit I figure out on my own, because the world taught me well that it's not solid land, but is a constantly shifting tide.

I'm sadistic, I'm angry, I'm antisocial. I care about people, but there just isn't very much to give. I'm a begger only able to give away scraps

and I'm so tired of feeling guilty for just trying to fucking survive.

I can't join all the movements, all the activists, all the parties, all the whatthefuckever, because if I did I'd have nothing left for myself. I'd run out in the first five minutes.

Sorry plurk. I know it's not your fault. I just had to write it out somewhere.

/rantsob

I am really sorry to hear this is your situation and I understand more than you know. big hugs

I hope you feel better having typed this all out ... you expressed it very well.

Thank you www.plurk.com/misscat . It does help to be understood, and I really appreciate it.

www.plurk.com/thatowly I do actually feel better. Weird how sometimes just daring to say the shit outloud makes a difference? Being acknowledged helps too