i keep stacking things one after another and they're all POINTLESS but i really don't like missing deadlines (yet i miss 100% of my deadlines and just move them every time)

and i've now come to the end of the year and i'm like I HAVE 5 THINGS TO DO BEFORE THE END OF THE MONTH WHICH IS 2 DAYS AWAY

obviously that's not gonna happen but yeah

first thing: finish this supernatural/harry potter crossover fic that's currently 85k and will probably be 100k when it's done

second thing: finish editing the fic i only signed up to illustrate but edited just because i couldn't bear to see all the typos and grammatical grossness

third thing: finish the fic that was due like two months ago, because my posting date is in one month and my betas really need to help me with a fuckton of crap and they can't do that if it's not done

in the meantime: gotta update that fic about fairies that my sister keeps asking for more of, she sits there at dinner re-reading the same three chapters over and over because apparently it makes her happy??

also in the meantime: finish my 1940s AU that I paused to write my HP/SPN AU

then i need to immediately begin a christmas fic

THEN get back to the commission fic that my friend commissioned like two fucking years ago oh my god

THEN GET BACK TO ALL THE OTHER STUFF I PUT ON HOLD

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONING THAT I NEED TO SEE DOCTORS BECAUSE MY HEALTH IS ZERO

and also this summer i want to do up my room, finally, after so many years

my mother had to clean it last week because something died in here and we couldn't find it

and it's so clean right now and i love it

but anyway

all the things listed above, except the commission fic, need to be done before the end of the year

what is that, 63 days? 64? NOT ENOUGH DAYS.

oh and i failed to mention that during this time, i also need to write a few shorter fics because i haven't updated in a month and my goal for this year was to update every 2 weeks

which i've mostly kept to, except when i pause 40k fics to write 100k fics

i have a problem

i love this problem

this is sO MUCH FUN

generally people seem to have difficulty making their word counts go up, i have a problem keeping mine down

That is the best kind of problem - too many words that want out of the brain

(Also wow that's a lot of writing!!!)

body = 0/10 ; brain = 200,000/10

mental health = 5.10

i had a random tantrum like a 3-year-old the other day because my dad wanted to borrow my laptop for an evening to do a presentation at a meeting

could NOT handle that idea

screaming and crying and rolling around on the floor until i felt gross and had to take a shower

and by that point i was just laughing because what the fuck??? emotions???????/

and i was researching autism today for my current story and yet again i'm reassured that 100% of this is caused by my being hella autistic and being incapable of handing change in routine

handling*

i cannot quite understand why it took 21 years for me to figure out BY MYSELF that i'm autistic?? why has the health system of 2 different countries failed me so, i wonder

but i will note that my mother remained calm and smiled throughout that entire tantrum, which made it easier to deal with. we went to a seminar thing about panic attacks a few weeks ago

and she learned that the best way to calm someone down from a panic attack is just to act calm

and she apologised for that time i had a panic attack and she spent the whole time yelling at me

and she was great this time. i mean i threw a water bottle at her but she picked it up later and washed it and brought it back and i gave her a hug

she's so wonderful, i appreciate her ability to learn stuff a lot

also i really probably need to see someone about this

eh.... hhehhhh

Your mum is pretty cool <3

Whereas mine is trying to force me to exercise and give up sugar, while simultaneously denying she's ever called me fat

Plus she's not going back to work next year so that means approx 6 months with her around home...

If I don't get a job and move out, I am going to come seriously close to violence or at least a screaming match..

your mother is

Uh huh

This morning was a repeat lecture featuring a new point (of bullshit) about how I "need more of a social life"

Along with the "why don't you take pride in yourself? Why don't you seem very happy at the moment?" bla bla bla

Well hmm let's see, probably because I can't share my actual hobby with her (writing) because she'll scoff and tell me it's stopping me meeting people

like what if I don't want to meet people atm? Nope, apparently not an option...

ranting mutters