You know that saying people tell you when you going through something difficult?

"You're not alone"

I never understood if they meant that there were always people to listen and help or if it meant someone knows what you're going through

One isn't very comforting and the other is just bullshit honestly

I don't think I need to claraify which is which

but I know people are there to help

and there are people to listen

but

does it mean they really care? Like how many people honestly care 100% about someone who needs help

in my experience it's always been them making sure to talk me out of or down from whatever I did/was going to do

and they'd check on me the next day

I'd thank them and say I was fine

and that was it

never heard from again

and yeah I get it it's not something that's thought of

but I mean

if you're able to talk me out of doing something like suicide or something it means you've gotten through to me and I trust you enough to believe you when you say it gets better

and then you stop talking?

it makes me feel like you were doing that because you had to

not because you thought I was worth it

All my life I've had one friend who actually cared about me and what happened

I haven't seen her in a year and the last time I saw her it was only for two weeks and before that we had gone two years

and that shouldn't be anything

people get seperated from friends all the time

but I'm sixteen

hardly an age we're losing a friend (my only friend) is an okay thing

and it means I was thirteen when she moved

I had known he since I was 7

and we were best friends from the time I was nine and we still are

but it's nowhere near the same

she's 18

she has somewhat of a life away from me

and it's fucking scary

my best friend

my rock

the person who kept me sane through everything

isn't by my side anymore

after five years of being inseperable

we were seperated for a "vacation"

thirteenth birthday we find out she isn't comeing back

what a fan fucking tastic birthday that was

Back then we had hope

she would convince her mom

they would come back

as if nothing ever happened

that hope is gone

hell

any hope I've had is gone

on anything

To quote the amazing Spencer Hastings "Hope breeds eternal misery"

And damn if I don't agree with that by now

I went on one of my "I miss you" moments with her earlier

and you can tell she was trying to make me feel better

(shes got aspergers so it doesn't always work...Sometimes it makes it worse)

but she goes on to say

she misses me too and she hates how her mom pulled her away without talking about it

and she says good things have come out of this too though

she's gotten a cat

shes gotten to meet her boyfriend

and now the only thing I can think is "Yeah YOU'VE gotten good things out of it"

I didn't realize it until now

but there hasn't been a single good thing that's happened to me that wouldn't of happened if she wasn't there

and that's fucking selfish

I should be happy for her

but I can't make myself

I'm sitting here at three in the morning

wondering what the fuck has happened to me

my life has seriously sucked since she moved

nothing has ever gone right

and when something did

it didn't take long for it to get ruined

or overpowered by something worse happening

She has people up there

sure her mom isn't around much

but she has people that want to hang out with her and she has her boyfriend who lives with her for fucks sake

like

the people who want to hang out with her aren't really good people

but fuck it I'm jealous

I have no one

literally no one

I'm questioning how the fuck I've lassted this long

no one thinks I'm good enough to be around

no one but her but that's besides the point

shes not here

so as much as I hate to say it it doesn't really count

sure theres my mom

but I question if she talks to me and everything only because she has to

If I wasn't her daughter would she still want to be around me

I doubt it

I just want my best friend back by my side

I guess we don't get what we want right?

Cause happy endings are just stories

and stories are just that

stories

and life isn't a story

That was the last picture of us before she moved

we have a lot of pictures together

but that my favorite

I can't make myself smile like that anymore

it just doesn't happen

I miss it

It's not even a full smile

those I can manage

but its really genuine like theres no fakeness to it at all