Popular conception is that you dream about whatever you think about last, even subconsciously, which can often explain the sometimes odd things you experience.

Nowadays, I don't remember most of my dreams unless they make a significant impact on me and sometimes I can have extremely vivid ones due to the medications I'm taking.

After years of not having one, however, oddly enough I had a dream with my father in it. I didn't do, this year, what I normally do. Whereas, there was no journal entry to him or about him, there was no

outside recognition of either his birthday or his memorial day (the latter of which was last week). I don't have a reason as to why.

At first I thought it might be because I feel like none of that really helps me. I appreciate him and love him and miss him, but my heart doesn't feel any better, even if I was to scream out at the top of the

world that I thought I had the best father. I suppose the other part that comes into it is that it still hurts, and I know that it's always going to hurt.

His wife got engaged earlier this year, around June, and it made me wonder how she's handled everything to be able to make a decision like that. Time doesn't just stop when you lose someone, no matter how it

may feel that it does. I know that. But I also think that if I were genuinely in love with someone, I could very well do the dove thing and not want to live without my mate. I envy and admire Annette's will

to continue on and make the most out of her life.

Whatever the case, I suppose that is all something else and not my current aim of topic. I thought it was undoubtedly strange that after years of not being able to dream about him (i.e., trying to force dreams

of such), that it would just randomly come up. It was sort of like a mix mash of the life I left behind in California (minus Jei and the others), and the one that I gained here in Ohio.

So why is it that now, of all times, I'm dreaming about him? And I thought this could be attributed to stressing. I have been stressing recently about the same thing I've been stressing about for months (which

a financial situation that I've kept very much to myself and should, at some point, discuss), and consequently have spent a lot of time cross stitching as it seems to genuinely help with keeping me calm and

composed, so I don't fall into an immensely deep funk like I did throughout August to October.

Dreaming about my father has always been something of comforting and uncomfortable at the same time, and I imagine that's because I've spent years trying to figure out the extent of my emotional attachment to

him. (I don't think I really ever brought it up on plurk, but yeeeeears ago, back when Livejournal was still a thing, I had written a very long entry analysing the concept of daughters naturally viewing their

fathers (that are present) as their 'princes' or whatever have you.)

I am admittedly still stumped over where I fit into the category of such things, but I'm beginning to think that mayhap that doesn't matter. Only that the sentiments were there and that I respected him and

wanted to take good care of him, in the way that he respected me and wanted to take good care of me.

I still get angry over the lack of closure with that part of the family. I still feel a significant amount of weight on my heart from it, but it isn't something I can change. Things may not have had a reason

for why they turned out as they did, but all the same, things happened as they happened. I don't have much of an alternative, but to accept that.

I want to enjoy the dreams that I do have of him, and maybe, it is a sign of good things to come. That's what I want to believe anyway. That my father is a good omen.

And that I have something to look forward to.